


The Distance Between

by usghostfire



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Evil Dumbledore, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:24:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 51,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usghostfire/pseuds/usghostfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Halloween 1985, Remus can't make it another day, Severus is haunted by his choices, and both wonder what good had they actually managed to bring to this new world? Will Severus be able to help Remus back from the edge or will the whispers of the gay plague claim one of these two men? Can love survive a lifetime of hell?</p><p>Drugs, sex, violence, and punk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moments

**Author's Note:**

> Strong themes of suicide. 
> 
> In the US 22 vets a day commit suicide a day. If you're hurting reach out. Even if it's just online. I'm here if you have no one else. Even if you're not a vet.

CHP 1: Moments

“No one expects the rug to be yanked out from underneath them; life-changing events usually don’t announce themselves.”-Slash

It’s often said that the moments that change your life aren’t the big ones, like graduation, they don’t come with big signs letting you know; but go by with a simple whisper mostly unnoticed, like the sheer luck of sitting in a train compartment with a group of boys who would turn out to be some of the best friends you’ll ever make. If you’d asked Remus if he had thought that joining the Order of Phoenix with those same boys, then young men, would have changed his life in such a manner he would have to admit that this too was another of those moments where he failed to appreciate it for what it was. Sure he knew it was important but it’s one of those funny things where he couldn’t see just how important or how it would all seem when it ended. He was merely trying to change the world after all-to make a stand. But even now 4 years to the day after that fateful night where he lost that entire group of friends in one go; two to deaths’ cold embrace and one a traitor and locked away in Azkaban. He couldn’t come to grips with the idea that the single moment when they swore their wands to the cause that such a thing would happen. It’s always been the way of man to easily risk his own life than that of those he loves and as such it always comes as shock when that is exactly what happens.

Today would have seemed no different, small moments going by unnoticed an owl at his window tapping with a letter in claw. Though not common not so unusual either that he thought anything of it until after it had dropped off the odd shaped letter and flew away. It was such a small decision really that when faced with it he wouldn’t have even said he had made a choice so much as just ran through the familiar motions of opening the window to let an owl in. The shape of the letter though, that gave him some pause. It was the same size as those ran through the muggle post and it left him to wonder at its origins. The return address:

Law Offices of Baxter And Stanton  
14910 10th ST Suite G  
Berkeley, CA

Now here was that big sign, the, ‘Hey you!!! Your life is about to change!’ message. He could not open it, he could leave it sitting on the kitchen table, burn it in the fire, shred it with his wand and perhaps his life could stay the same, but was that what he wanted? Not that a letter was going to do much in the way of changing his life; it wasn’t after all his Hogwarts’ acceptance letter. None the less, staring at the return address he mulled this over. Did he really want his life to stay the same? It was a manageable life but a lonely one, aside from the few owls and occasional fire calls from his two friends still around, well one really would be considered a mentor and the other,… well the other tolerated him out of loyalty to the same mentor. Remus liked to delude himself into thinking this other man might one day see that he was different than his past group of friends had been, that he could also be his friend as well. He had a lot of life left to live he’d like to think he’d have someone to share those days with even if only in a friendly manner. Remus had long ago let go of the idea of falling in love getting married and starting a family, he was tainted; that didn’t change his longing to matter to someone, to be counted on. With a deep chested sigh he slid his finger into the envelope and opened the letter once again forever changing his life.

Dear Mr. Remus Lupin,  
It is with our deepest sympathies that we are informing you of your 7th cousin’s departure from this earth, leaving behind one son, a young Binxley. As you are the closest next of kin, by muggle and magical law his upbringing falls to you.  
We are requesting a meeting between you and us to set up the details and go over what raising Binxley would entail. If you feel unable to raise him we understand however, due to the unique circumstances that surround young Mr. Binxley, we believe that if we cannot place him with you we will not be able to find placement anywhere.  
Please fire call us and we will come to you. If you plan on raising your 8th cousin you will need a witness when we sign the documents and transfer guardianship over to you, and a G/dparent who may be the same as your witness to ensure that adequate care is given to Mr. Binxley.  
Once again with our deepest sympathies,  
Baxter, Teeney

To say Remus was shocked would be like saying Voldemort was bad, but beyond the shock Remus wondered at how this letter seemed to answer all the longing he had just listed. If he were to take his cousin Binxley in he’d matter and be counted on, and he’d no longer be alone. His heart started to glow, though he had thought he’d never get a chance to be a father, had thought the closest he’d get was with his friends’ children as a surrogate Uncle, he’d always wanted to be one. For a brief time after Lily and James passed he’d hoped they’d give Harry to him, but… And that’s when his heart turned to ice again. Once these lawyers found out his furry little problem he wouldn’t get Binxley either.

He slumped down into his chair the defeated feeling that had haunted him almost his entire life wrapping tightly around his chest, tears sliding from his eyes. He would always be alone. He was worthless. To those who have never felt that kind of emptiness he would be hard pressed to explain it and to those who had; well no one really ever wants to talk about it so much as just wanting someone there just in case the words wanted to come out. This darkness took him over as it always did slowly and then suddenly, and really even before he realized the shift; he went from being content to miserable.

With a quick gesture of his hand a bottle of fire whiskey zoomed to him. It wasn’t often he drank, but tonight he really didn’t care, his friends were dead or locked up, poor little Harry was being raised by his muggle Aunt. It was Halloween and while the rest of the wizarding world celebrated the defeat of the darkest wizard of their time he sat in mourning at the life he lost that dreadful day 4 years ago. He should have died helping to protect them that night too, but Dumbledore had sent him off on a hopeless mission to keep the werewolves from falling into support of the death eaters. Taking a deep pull on the bottle he wondered for the first time if Dumbledore hadn’t seen that such a thing was going to happen. The old coot may be a little crazy but he was crazy sharp too, he’d of had to have known they had a traitor in their midst close to BOTH Lily and James. He took another drink, and another, and another. And with each drink the angrier and drunker he got. Worst of all the farther into the darkness his mind fell.

Soon enough that bottle was empty and he was working his way through its brother. He looked around his home, the same walls that had comforted him when he was a child now seemed to mock him. Telling the story of the little boy who grew up to be nothing; his clothes mended so many times his mends had mends and his furniture slowly falling into disrepair. On other days he’d have said his home showed it was loved and lived in but today it screamed to him the state of which his life had become. This home had once held laughter, love, and the smells of home cooking but no longer. The longer he sat there the more alone he felt. All he was doing was surviving, and for what? He had fought for the downfall of the dark lord but for what? This brave new world he had helped see brought about, that he had risked his life for was the same as the old one for him; he was still a second class citizen and he felt it in his whole being that he always would be.

As he drained away the last of his second bottle his blurry eyes went to his kitchen where they landed on his knives and in an instant one sat in his hand. He saw it all clearly now there was no reason for his being. He offered nothing to this world and his true friends were waiting on the other side for him. It was so simple he wondered why he had not realized it sooner. And in yet another life changing moment Remus Lupin took the blade to his arms and with an exquisite white burning pain he waited for the world fade to away.


	2. Sorrowful Hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus hates Halloween, will this one be any different?

CHP 2: Sorrowful Hopes

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Severus was rarely in a good mood these days, in fact it could be said that in the past 4 years there had not been a time in which he had been in a good mood, and why not; the day Voldemort fell was the day he lost the love of his life and his best friend, his first friend ever. Today while the world celebrated, he mourned. If it were possible he usually spent his hours not in class on this day locked up in his quarters wallowing in misery at the loss he helped to create. Sure in theory the world was a better place now, but he was still a second class citizen, still a suspect on all accounts. A half blood who’d found himself in Slytherin and yes, he was indeed the example of what a Slytherin could be; the taint that had been laid upon his house and him could not be washed away with the passing of time. Nor could the blood on his hands. When he closed his eyes he was haunted by the faces of innocents that he could not save. Today, the 31st of October 1985, only served to remind him of all his failings and he’d rather be alone with those then put on a good face for the students and staff. 

The last of classes had let out for the day and Snape had no greater desire than to spend this Halloween as he had spent those before it; alone. But he was not to be so lucky, he never was very lucky. Not that his lack of luck really bothered him, he figured he’d used up most of it when fate had graced him with a friend as true and noble as Lily Evans. If only things had been different, but that point was as moot as any and though when he was younger it would have brought him to a dark place as it had when his mother had passed away, he had found an inner strength in himself and with the help of the back and forth banter now occasionally shared with someone he would call at best a colleague those dark days were fewer and farther apart. They were not friends but their few infrequent conversations often brought him a small bubble of hope that at least one person still living could see him for all that he was and didn’t flinch away.

He had been a foolish boy once and had made mistakes and with the exception of one, he liked to think he’d paid his debt. Sometimes this person even managed to make him forget that he was directly responsible for the loss of the Potters. Snape wasn’t sure what to make of his feelings in this matter, and as result he simply kept them to himself. He liked feeling good again, but then he would remember what he had done and the joy would flicker and die to be replaced by a gnawing guilt that he had let himself forget. He was not yet prepared to forgive himself. He did not want to push what little luck he had left and lose the one person he might someday be able to call friend. He was quite certain no one knew that he had any of these feelings he wore his mask well and more often than not forgot he even had a face behind it.

So with mask firmly in place he entered his quarters ready for a night of solitude and a slight headache from attempting to grade abysmal 3rd year Gryffindor/Hufflepuff potions essays. Some of the students in this class were smart enough that if they simply took the time they could make passable potions students, none showed the skill to come close to reaching a mastery level but they could at least stop blowing his cauldrons up. He decided he’d start with those he considered hopeless’ homework. It seemed best to get the worst out of the way before moving onto the irritatingly lazy ones. He was thankful that there were to be no classes tomorrow, Dumbledore was still being soft on the students and felt they deserved a sleep-in day to recover from the festivities. “After all, my dear boy, all of these students remember what it was to live in fear that they might not ever see another day. They need this day not just to celebrate but to get a sense of closure on that awful chapter in our history. Many of their older siblings and parents are no longer with us because of Voldemort; they need to see the world is a good place again.”

Even now that conversation made him want to gag. The world was not a good place again; the world never had been a good place to begin with in his opinion, only difference now was the enemy wasn’t quite as clear as it had been and he wasn’t exactly sure that was a good thing. They still should fear that a soft posture would only lead to more trouble in the future. They needed to be prepared, but could he get Dumbledore to see that? Nooo. He simply compared him to Mad Eye and said he should learn to have a little fun too. If it wasn’t beneath him to do so Snape would have rolled his eyes right then and there and even with all his composure it had been a close thing. Sometimes he wondered if the old man would ever see him as an adult and not the boy he had been when he himself had been a student here. But then Dumbledore also trusted him with some of the most serious Order business there was. At least he had the man’s trust; it felt good to be trusted.

Turning to his desk he went to sit down when he noticed a letter in the old man’s familiar scrawl. Scanning it quickly he looked to his pile of homework waiting to be graded and sighed knowing he’d likely not get to it tonight. He walked over to his wardrobe and pulled a few needed items placing them in his satchel and went to his bedroom to collect a few books. The person he was going to see tonight was always good for a book trade or two. It was a nice way to get a fuller view of literature plus some of the books he got gave him ideas for potions that could be used in defense of some nasty dark arts. Contrary to popular belief he did not consider himself the end all be all of knowledge in the dark arts and was always interested to discover some new or rather really old forgotten bit of it that someone like Voldemort might pull out of his creepy bag of tricks. This person seemed to think on similar lines only going for a more traditional defense in counters and anti-spells. If Severus was a man like Dumbledore and knew what he knew about this man he would have said he was quite brilliant when it came to defensive spellwork; he however was not Dumbledore or even Dumbledore-like and so simply appreciated insight into the others’ creative mind.

Satisfied that he had all that he may need even his travel potions kit, he grabbed his winter cloak and strode over to his fireplace. Tossing a dash of floo powder into the flames he spoke his destination and stepped into the green flames. The swirling and nearly knocking into the bricks making up various peoples’ grates was never his favorite part of the journey but as Hogwarts would always have certain protections it was the fastest way to get to where he was going. Landing firmly in the fireplace he felt an odd chill go over him, and out of instinct he drew his wand. It wasn’t a feeling he liked; as if he’d walked into the middle of someone else’s conversation, and while he knew this person had guards and defenses up he wondered if perhaps a former death eater had tracked this fellow down. With his guard up he gingerly stepped out of the grate and almost immediately saw what had caused his feeling. 

Severus stood motionless; indecisive for the first time in a very long time as how to proceed. It wasn’t until he saw the knife on the floor that he knew there was no intruder left-if there had been an intruder to begin with. But there had to have been an intruder. There was NO way he was seeing what he was seeing, someone put the man in the chair like that to make it look that way, because the man he knew would never have done such thing. At least he didn’t think he would have. He rushed over to him, searching for any sign of life and almost uttered a sigh of relief when he saw the man’s chest raise and fall. And since he was certain the man would not hear him, “Thank Merlin, I don’t think I could have lost another friend.”


	3. Insights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is neither here nor there, but somewhere between.

CHP 3: Insights 

“Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason.”-Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

The world had already been blurry, but now it was even more so and there was a great amount of pain coming from his arms accompanied by the feeling his body had partially shifted to his wolf form which he couldn’t figure to save his life, the full moon was ages away. At least he thought it was. But slowly, the pain faded and he found himself wandering in a grayish sort of place. It wasn’t all too bad, but it also didn’t seem too great either. 

“How did I get here?”

“Well, mate you made a bit of an idiotic choice, didn’t you?”

Remus jumped having not expected anyone to reply, let alone his late best friend James Potter.

“James? Wha…?” He was at a loss for words to say there very least. “Am I dead as well?” He finally managed.

“Well not exactly, you’re sort of in a waiting place. Frankly, mate we’re not ready for you on this side yet and the world isn’t ready to lose you yet. I always knew you were special.” James’ familiar grin was more than Remus could take and he walked up to the man. James seemed to have a solid form… He touched his shoulder. It was there. Then Remus did something James was certainly not expecting as he pulled his arm back and slugged him.

“Like the world was ready to lose you, you arse!?”

James only smiled which made Remus all the more mad and he tackled him.

“Relax, Mooney, first off I didn’t choose to die. You really think I would have left my son alone in the world? You, what were you thinking? The Mooney I know would never have tried to end it all. You’re not that mellow dramatic.”

“I’m sorry life was never that simple for me. Why should I stay there have you seen what my life is now?”

“You’re whole world is about to change, just trust me. I mean you can choose to stay here, but you’re not going to like it mate. “ James’ eyes had a shadow cross over them that made Remus’ hair stand on edge and a lump form in his throat. Still tangled up with James from his tackle he felt two very separate emotions pass through him. He didn’t want to leave James again. He felt as if he had come home, but the other part of him knew even if he stayed it wouldn’t stay like this. His cheeks flushed and James breath ghosted across his face as he whispered, “I know mate. I know, but there’s a lot you need to know and see and you need to go back they need you.”

“Who?”

“I can’t say all who needs you exactly but the wizarding world as a whole will need something only you can give; how many times have I got to tell you that you’re special? Padfoot never needed any convincing.”

At that name Remus looked at him stunned, “Padfoot, but he… he betrayed you and Lily!”

James just shook his head, “Like I said we have a lot to cover in a little time, but only if you choose to go back.”

Remus swallowed over the lump in his throat. “Alright, how do I choose to go back?”

“You just did.”

James smiled at Remus again and sat up to a more dignified posture. Remus laughed and tackled him again. “You are not going to get away looking all scholarly on me, that’s my bit.” His breath catching as he stared into his friend’s eyes.

“Have it your way then.” The familiar grin pulling on Remus’ heartstrings like nothing else ever had, well almost nothing. And he remembered the other person still living who he hoped would one day be his friend. “That’s right mate, think of those people who might still need you it’ll help you get back. Now look.” James pointed to what looked like a big sheet suspended from midair playing what looked like a muggle movie. What he saw there was an even bigger shock than that of earlier today which had lead him here. 

When it was done, James stood and reaching helped Remus up. They stood chests almost touching, and James laughed, “Damn Mooney did you go and grow on me too, I remember being taller.”

“Really, that’s what you’ve got to say after all of that?” James just shrugged and then quite unexpectedly placed his arms around his friend pulling him close his cheek resting atop Remus’ head.

“Remember mate, I love you you’ve always been one of my best friends and there is nothing you do can change that.”

“I love you too Prongs.” Remus croaked out as he felt himself becoming overwhelmed by tears again. He closed his eyes trying to keep himself from a full on sobbing jag. It was in that time with his eyes closed that he felt the briefest whisper of moisture pressed upon his lips, but then he was being pulled back into the grayish blurry world.  
Had James just kissed him? Or had a tear landed there and his friend merely wiped it off or something more explainable?

The pain was still a murmur dull and achy as if he ran for his life, which in way he guess he had. He knew instinctively that there had been a change from when he had lost himself from reality. For one thing he was certain he was now lying down and for another he wasn’t alone, but who could be there? It was then he heard a familiar voice that he couldn’t quite place yet, but it slowly came clearer.

“Dammit Lupin, don’t you dare die on me now. You’re the only one in this world I know who understands what it’s like to live with this taint.”

Though he understood the words he couldn’t believe he was hearing them from that voice. And then he heard his own voice broken and disjointed sounding, “Snape, Harry…Harry… is a… is…a…Snape, Harry… is… is”

Even he knew what he was saying didn’t make any sense, but he needed Snape to understand about Harry, he wasn’t entirely sure he’d remember all that he was shown once he was fully out of the spirit realm. Even now as he was returning to the world of the living the memories were fading.

“Shh, you idiot, you don’t have the strength to talk yet. Harry is safe.”

Remus’ eyes fluttered and he took a deep haggard breath. James had not mentioned that just because he had chosen to come back hadn’t meant a guarantee he was going to get to do so, he was fighting for every breath and now the dull pain was screaming and the only thing his mind wanted to do was run from the pain in the dark recesses of his thoughts. He was fading again; he knew it and he wasn’t sure he could fight it again. He knew his chance to at least fix one thing was slowly pulling from his grasp. Snape needed to know. And in his mind’s ear he heard, “That’s right mate think of those who might still need you. Find your way back. We’ll be here waiting when it’s time for you to come back.” 

And in his actual ears he heard, “Oh no you don’t Remus, you stay with me. Take another breath. NOW!” He felt a his nose being pinched and head tilted back and for the second time he felt moisture pressed to his lips only this time he felt the rush of warm breath afterwards going down and filling his air starved lungs. Then he felt like he was going to puke.


	4. Unexpected Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus faces a lost love.

CHP 4: Unexpected Visitor

“Solitude has soft silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow.”-Kahlil Gibran

“Snape, Harry…Harry… is a… is…a…Snape, Harry… is… is…” Severus couldn’t think, one second he had thought Remus had been lost but now here he was rambling something about Harry. It was all he could do not to jump back in surprise when he had heard his voice. It didn’t seem possible that the man could go from not breathing to talking, even if what he was saying didn’t make sense. He knew Remus shouldn’t be talking; he had lost too much blood he needed to save his strength.

“Shh, you idiot, you don’t have the strength to talk yet. Harry is safe.” He regretted saying it in such a cruel way when he noticed the other man’s strength failing him and looked on in a quiet horror as the sounds of Remus’ breath became even more labored and with a wet guttural quality he remembered all too well. It was a death breath, the body was about to make one last attempt and when that failed Remus would be gone.

“Oh no you don’t Remus, you stay with me. Take another breath. NOW!” Severus went back into rescue mode and without thought pinched Remus' nose and he leaned over placing his lips over the others' and let the air in his lungs pass from him to Remus. The last bit came out a little stronger than he meant. Severus didn't have time to worry as he heard the familiar wet gurgling of vomit making its way out of the other man. He rolled Remus to his side not quite in time to spare his own robes, but it sounded as if the other wasn't choking.

"Oh, Remus... what happened? I can't believe you would do this to yourself, why would you? You're one of Dumbledore's golden boys." Snape couldn't believe that Remus would have done such a thing. It just didn't make sense, Remus wasn't that kind of person. He was that kind of person, and he simply didn't see that dark emptiness or torment in the man now lying before him. Remus was, well, maybe he wasn't exactly happy, but he wasn't alone. Well, now that he thought of it he was kind of alone, but Remus had, had... He had him, if he wanted him. 'Not like he knows that you idiot' an unfamiliar voice shouted in his head. He was surprised when he felt the other man's hand grasp his. Severus' first reaction was to pull away, but he caught himself. Maybe even after all this he wasn't ready to be those kinds of friends, he had seen how physically close the Muraders had been with hugs and arm punching. All that was a little much for him, but he had to reason, right now Remus was trying to hold onto life not him.

Sighing to himself, Snape waved his wand and cleared away the mess the other man had made, and with another levitated him placing him as gently as possible on his bed. It was then after he was certain of the other man's stability to breathe on his own he strode to the kitchen placing a kettle to boil. A calming cup of tea was just what he needed. It was as he went to pull some tea from the cupboard that his shock started to ware off; his hands shaking in such a way that he could not work the handle for nearly ten minutes. Indeed by the time he managed the usually simple task the kettle was screaming at him. It was as he moved to remove the offending object from the heat that he once again he felt the all too familiar tingle. This time he was certain he was not alone and in a split second, the kettle was on the counter and his wand firmly in hand. 

Spinning round to the place he was certain the other would be, he nearly dropped his wand. Indeed, were it not for years of training he very well might have for he found himself face to face with a silver doe. He knew that doe, and as far as he knew there was no other living person who's patronus appeared as that. He felt himself sink to the ground almost as if in slow motion as his knees folded under him. There were no words he could think to say, this had to be some very sick cruel joke. First Remus and now this... And then the doe spoke, but it was odd as if coming across a windy moor the voice distorted making the once familiar tones sound strange and unknown. Even with the unfamiliar qualities, the voice that now reached him seemed to to transport him to a simpler seeming time when his heart already hardened from the harsh reality of an impoverished life and a violent drunk of a father, had found a safe haven. He could remember how he had once loved that voice, how it had nurtured his beaten and battered soul, had filled him with hope; he remembered how he had grown to hate that voice as when it sounded it reminded him of all that he had thought he'd lost; he remembered the last time he had heard it shortly before the wedding announcement; he remembered when he found out that voice had left this world and he truly knew what it was to lose the only one he had ever loved.

"I never stopped loving you Sev."

Nearly in tears, Severus responded, "Then why did you leave me, why did you go and marry...someone... someone else?" He couldn't bring himself to say the other's name.  
It appeared as if the doe shrugged, almost giving the sense that the choices it'd made in the past really couldn't be explained, as if what had made sense at the time no longer did; it was moot, however, and the reply was not what Snape could have even began to guess at. "Dumbledore had a plan, and I wasn't about to raise my son in a world where fear ruled our daily lives."

Snape looked to the doe with a fresh and raw pain. "You knew about Harry before you got married, you knew that last time I saw you?"

The doe looked quite sorrowful at that moment, "I wanted to tell you, I wanted to explain, but Dumbledore-"

"Dumbledore," Snape internally raged, but his words came out barely above a whisper, "since when did he become the supreme ruler of the universe, what did it matter what he said? I deserved to have heard about all that from you."

The doe chuckled then, but promptly stopped when it looked into his eyes, "Even then Dumbledore had forgotten the pain of the individual; he's been caught up in the big picture too long. Sure, he may have cried for us when we died but it didn't slow all his planning. He's a good man, but there are some things he should have no hand in deciding." Then as if that was the whole point of the conversation, the doe turned around and faded out of site.

"No, don't leave yet." He called after the doe, but it was no use it was already gone. Slowly he found his feet and returned to making his tea and with the kettle and cup following behind him he took a book from his bag and went to sit with Remus the day's events having torn his nerves raw. He was greatly bothered by how much leverage Dumbledore had come to have over all their lives. He knew that was something that needed to be changed, but what could the spirit have meant exactly about things he should have had no say. His mind wandering to the name Lupin had said, ‘Was Harry’s placement what the spirit was talking about? That Petunia was always a pill but why then had neither Lily nor James specified a guardian in their will?’ Severus wondered as he settled into a reading chair near Lupin’s bed.


	5. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus grows a backbone, maybe.

CHP 5: Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”― Martin Luther King Jr.

His stomach was agonizingly empty after he had puked... puked, 'Oh carp, I just puked all over none other than Severus Snape.' In many ways he found this funny but in reality he was more embarrassed and deeper down beyond ashamed. Also, even though he had chosen to come back, had fought hard to come back and even though James had shown him many reasons why he should come back and that he mattered he still didn't believe he could do it. 'How can I make it? How will I ever be able to look Snape in the eye now? How can I ask him to help me after he's seen me do this to myself? I bet he'll just laugh in my face before chucking me in St. Mungo's.' Remus mused to himself all the while making himself if possible more depressed. 

At some point he realized he must have fallen asleep, because he became aware that he was no longer in his living room but lying on his bed with a blanket loosely covering him. Furthermore his kettle was letting out a piercing whistle which he first mistook for a muggle alarm and it was only when he tried to reach out and found he didn't even have the strength to open his eyes did it all come rushing back. Including all the pain he noted grimly, but he thought, 'At least that's something to focus on.'

It was as he was lying there taking stalk of what he had the energy to do that he noticed voices talking in his kitchen. Both were familiar, but he couldn't make out the words so he was left with just a comforting feeling of his home being warm and full of life again. He was reminded of when he was still a young boy and had to spend days in bed recovering from his full moon transitions and his parents would be in the other room talking. It had always made him feel safe and loved. Even though he became a monster every full moon he was still their son and they would always love him. This feeling slowly filled an aching void that had grown inside him. The world was still a hard place but this memory was a start for him. He still didn’t have a clue as to how he was going to face Severus. He hoped that at least he could convince the other man to keep this event to himself; Remus really didn’t want to think about what it would be like if he had to face the world knowing he had tried to take his own life. He had tried and failed but only because someone else had tried and succeeded in saving him.

He was feeling better when he heard the other man’s footsteps head his way and had he been able to open his eyes he still would have left them closed. Being honest with himself, he knew it was fear that made him thankful to put off talking about today’s events awhile longer. The other man’s sigh as he settled in a chair caught him off guard; he thought Snape was merely coming in to check on him, not sit with him. This small gesture filled the man with gratitude towards the man his friends once tormented in their school days, and he realized he would give a great deal to be able to have his apology accepted. Even talking through the haze his mind was now floating in. He laid there thinking, trying to come up with a decent version of an apology, but all he could think was how he had been such a coward then and didn’t stand up for what was right. ‘Even today I’ve acted the coward.’ He loved his friends and was scared of losing them, but that was a poor excuse for turning his back on what was right. Even now he held some fear but it was that in doing what was right now and in apologizing his words might fall on deaf ears. It might already be too late.

Sighing to himself, he felt his resolve strengthen; he had to do this the man was sitting there showing a compassion if only for his life that no one would believe. He owed Snape that much at least. His first attempt at clearing his throat served only to remind him that he was parched beyond reason, but then he did puke all over the place. His second attempt was more audible and he heard the other man shift from his seat. 

“Remus?” Snape’s voice was a whisper his breath crossing gently over his own face. He moved his lips trying to form the words that needed to be said but nothing came out. “Here, take a sip.” Remus felt his head being gently lifted and a straw being placed between his cracked lips. The water was lukewarm, but was the best tasting thing he’d ever drank in his life and he had to work hard to keep from gulping the whole thing. After a few painfully small sips the straw was removed from his reach and his head placed back on the pillows which had been rearranged to leave his head somewhat propped up and he found that he could open his eyes. Blinking slowly at first to let his eyes adjust he looked up only to see that Snape was no longer at his side but had returned to his seat as if he’d imagined the whole exchange except that the other man’s eyes were intently watching him. ‘Now or never,’ he thought to himself.

Looking the other man in the eye, he almost lost his nerve. He was seeing much more behind those dark eyes than he had ever seen before and it frightened him a great deal, but he would not be a coward this time. “Snape, I… All those years ago…” This was not going well at all he had to say it. “I was a coward. I should have stood up for you, I should have stopped them. I’m sorry.” There he had said it and he found that while he cared greatly about how the other man would take it he felt lighter all the same now. The guilt was still there but it didn’t weigh down on him so greatly now. At least Snape had listened, had heard what he had to say, and maybe he wouldn’t be granted forgiveness now but perhaps someday Snape would see the honesty of those words. ‘Sometimes I guess just admitting our failings to the ones we’ve wronged helps,’ he mused, ‘perhaps its apologizing to him I’ve taken the right steps to forgive myself.’


	6. Happy Sad

CHP 6: Sad Happy 

“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”-Winston Churchill

Snape was leaned towards Remus as he spoke barely above a whisper. The man seemed truly remorseful for his lack of backbone as a younger man. Not that long ago the other man’s apology would have been scoffed at but as he remained next to this other battered warrior broken by a world that would only see him as monster he found he had forgiven all of them a long time ago. If the other man hadn’t apologized he might not have ever realized it and continued to carry anger in his heart for many years to come. Now he was free from that anger and what would have surely turned into misplaced hate. Now he needed to figure out what to do with his freedom. 

“It was a long time ago Remus, we all made mistakes then.”

“You’re right, but if I hadn’t been so scared I was going to lose the only friends I’d ever had I might have been able to see the friend I might have gained. Now it’s too late, you’ll never be able to look at me without seeing my failings, but I will do my best to make the future right.”

Snape had no idea what Remus was on about now. How was he going to set the future right? It hadn’t happened yet. His gaze landed on the tea and with a wave of his hand he warmed it up and poured the other man a cup.

“Here you need to drink some of this.”

Remus lifted his hand and took the proffered cup it shaking slightly from the weakened state the man was in. After taking a few sips Snape continued. “Lupin, what happened today? Dumbledore sent me here to talk with you about trying to make a potion to help with your problem, but when I got here you were bleeding out in a chair and whoever had done this to you was long gone.”

Snape did not miss the slight jerk in the other man as he mentioned earlier today, but wasn’t sure what to make of it just yet. He couldn’t tell if it was fear or guilt.

“I… I… There was no one else here today. I got an owl and then…” Severus watched as the other man struggled to finish his thoughts. Remus seemed to be unable to meet his eyes and concern overpowered what was left of his reserved state. Snape knew what the other man was not saying.

“But why Lupin?”

“It’s stupid really.” He said with a shrug.

“It’s your life, it’s not stupid.”

“I felt hope today.”

“And that drove you to do this?” He wasn’t sure he could understand any of this, but if he was going to help he needed to listen at least. If it was too much for him he’d tell Dumbledore even though the thought made his lip curl into his familiar Snape frown.

“I felt hope and then felt it die as I remembered what I was and what I could have. I want my cousin to come live with me but once they realize I’m a werewolf they’ll never let him be placed with me.”

Now Snape was really lost, how did his cousin have anything to do with this? “What do you mean?”

“I got an owl today from America, my cousin died and her son has no closer kin then me. And I thought how great it would be to finally open my home up to someone, to be able to be a father. I always wanted to be one but never thought I could. Then I remembered I was a werewolf, no one would allow a child to be placed with me kin or not.”

“You could have a family, there were plenty of girls who fancied you in school and even now knowing who you are there are still some. Bright wonderful women, and if you and I work together on what Dumbledore has asked I’m sure we can at least find a way to prevent any chance of the disease being passed from you to your children.” Snape had thought this would be good news in some way if at least to give the man something to work for but it seemed to fall a little short.

“No, Severus there will be no women in my future.”

Snape didn’t really want to argue with that point, if the man didn’t think he could find a wife then that was his own fight to overcome, but “Ok, no future wife, but maybe your cousin. See the people who sent you that owl. You’re registered so they must know and still they think it best to place him-it is a him?-” And with a nod from Remus, “they still think you are the best man for the job.”

Snape looked at Lupin in the eye and he saw something else there, a glimmer of a broken man trying to put himself back together, but it was quickly lost by an overflowing of tears which deteriorated into sobs in the blink of an eye. He sat there in shock watching the man in front of him fall apart. Then he was transported back to another time and place.

***FLASHBACK***

He was crying sitting on the floor of a seldom used dungeon. He was lost in his own sorrows and never even heard the door open or the footsteps that stopped short. He was lost to the world until a set of warm arms wrapped themselves about him. At first he tried to fight it but the arms gently held him pulling him closer his head resting on a shoulder as the tears still continued to leak out. It wasn’t until he had nearly passed out that the other lifted his chin and looking him in the eye. A soft voice, telling him, “I’m here, it’s okay, you’re safe.” He didn’t believe it, he thought for sure he would pay dearly for this later, sure word would get out, but then when the other’s lips landed softly on his forehead he felt safer than he ever had at any time in his life.

***END FLASHBACK***

Remus looked so fragile almost as a small child. Severus didn’t have to think about it. If he had thought about it he would have talked himself out of it. He crossed the small space that was between them and was holding the other man in his arms before a thought crossed his mind. Once a thought did finally go through all it said was, ‘this is right.’ Remus didn’t resist him, which surprised him and made him happy at the same time. Slowly Remus’ breathing evened out and Snape realized the man had fallen asleep, not wanting to wake him back up he slowly settled himself lower into a more comfortable position on the other man’s bed and closed his eyes. It had been a long time since he had felt as desperate as Remus had felt today, but he hadn’t forgotten it in the slightest. The mistakes he had made were like scars across his soul and those were the ones he was more scared Remus would have to carry alone.

Snape sighed, his arms were a testament to his own stupidity, not only was the dark mark still there but beneath that proof of his own self-loathing. The visible scars hiding older ones; some from “accidents” his father helped with and others by his own hand. When he was younger it had been a release, something he could control, but then it became an addiction something he couldn’t stop whenever little things tipped the scales. Then when his mother had passed away and he had been left with Tobias he didn’t even try to release his feelings he just shut down went to such a dark place he had forgotten what light looked like. He found himself in a prison of his own making where he thought his only way out was death. 

He was lost in thoughts which slowly shifted into troubled sleep, his arms held ever carefully onto Remus as if he intended to save this man even at the cost of his own life.


	7. Musings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has an embarrassing moment and gives Severus an eye full.

CHP 7: Musings

“It’s often safer to be in chains than to be free.”-Franz Kafka

Outside the rain started pouring down darkening the room where Remus Lupin and Severus Snape slept and Remus woke with a start as lightening tore the sky. His left arm completely asleep as it was pinched under a rather heavy object which he realized as his wits returned was none other than Snape. His own head was resting on the man’s right arm; his face an inch away from the man’s chest. Though very strange it was greatly comforting to have this man’s arms holding him. Remus’ other arm however was wedged between their bodies and it was with a slow dawning horror he realized where his hand was resting, even more horrifying was that it seemed he was having a little morning stiffness which was pushing firmly into the sleeping man’s thigh. His only saving grace was that his body was separated from Severus’ by his sheets.

Trying to shift away to at least get his offending member from pushing onto the other man he felt the arms encompassing him tighten pushing his hand deeper between Severus’s legs. Panic overtook any attempt at stealth and he jerked his arm up yelping as his stiches caught on something tearing. His yelp waking Severus who swiftly sat up letting go of Remus. His eyes finding Remus’.

“What’s wrong Lupin?”

Remus broke eye contact flushing, he did not want to tell Snape where is hand had just been. “Err… My stiches, they must have caught on something.” He looked down and saw that he had indeed ripped them open and blood was getting all over the place. 

Snape lit the bedside lamp and grabbed up a bowl that Remus had not noticed earlier and gestured for Remus to put his arm into the light. Remus shifted pulling his sheets off him and placing his feet on the floor and his arm on the table with the lamp. He watched as Snape washed his wound, wincing slightly as it was tender still but he figured he deserved it after what he had done. Snape’s movements stopped and he raised a single eyebrow. Remus was at a loss as to what Snape was looking at until he followed the other’s line of sight.

If it was possible for Remus’ face to become redder than a tomato it would have as he realized his stiffness was now sitting out in the open and Snape was looking right at it. There were a few moments where neither one moved; both staring at what was poking out of Remus’ boxers.

Then finally, “Well Lupin, it looks like I’m going to have to put three stiches in, I’m sorry I can’t magically fix these but I’ve only started practicing mending spells and if I don’t do it just right it can go rather badly. Do you want me to grab anything for you?... For the pain I mean.”

Remus’ eyes still glued to himself shook his head. Clearing his throat, “Could I just,… You know have a moment?”

Smiling for just a moment Severus replied, “I’ll just go wash my hands.” Letting go of Remus’ arm he walked out of the room.

Remus shifted his very hard member under his waist band. Sighing he had a feeling this was going to require some actual attention, but he needed to get his arm taken care of first.

Snape returned, wiped his arm off and replaced the torn stiches with quick deft movements. Snape looked up at Remus, “You should probably go get cleaned up yourself, but you’ll have to keep your stiches dry so it’ll have to be a bath.”

Remus was thankful that Snape hadn’t mentioned anything about his earlier peek-a-boo moment. “Yeah, um… there’s a guest bedroom upstairs if you want to get washed up yourself.”

“I’ll take you up on that offer.” And with that Snape stood and left Remus alone in his bedroom.

Remus made his way to his bathroom and started filling up his tub. It was an in floor sort made of wood. He believed it was called a Swedish style hot tub. It was a normal tub that could be used as a hot tub also with a bench seat about halfway up the tub. He put a towel on the floor and sat his feet on the bench and he looked down again. Slowly he grabbed himself, rubbing gently he inhaled deeply and laid back. 

Closing his eyes he continued his rubbing, his mind wandering thinking of how crazy it was to go from actually wanting to die to this; his mind wandering further until it found a train of thought that suited this purpose. He remembered Snape’s arms wrapped around him, his gentle touch contrary to the callused and worked hands that were touching him. Remus’ breathing quickened and he felt the build-up.

Snape was clear in his mind’s eye as he remembered the feel of his lips on his own and even though it hadn’t happened and he had never felt it before he pictured Snape’s lips moving down his body until they were on where his hand was moving back and forth. He felt those full soft lips kissing his tip and then taking all of him into him. In a few quick audible gasps and hip movements Remus felt his release throughout his entire body.

He let go his eyes fluttering open. Once his thoughts finally caught up to him he slid into the tub. ‘No way.’ He thought to himself. ‘Not only am I a freaking werewolf, I’m… I’m gay. I think.’ He had never really considered what he was as far as sexuality went. In school he had been so caught up in just trying to keep his secret and his friends he had always figured he didn’t have time for any more serious relationships, after school there had been the war, and then there had been no one. ‘Maybe I’m just lonely and Snape has been the first person ever to really hold me who wasn’t related to me.’

The more he thought about it; however, he realized he had started to like Snape before today and there was always James, the man had a smile that could almost always put Remus in a good mood. There was something about both men that he felt just connected to his own soul and brought him alive-really alive- for the first time in his life. ‘Well, now what?’ He was fairly certain that even if Snape liked him it was in a “friends only” way and he needed to figure something out. Gay wizards weren’t socially acceptable, so those that were kept it hidden at all costs, but London had a growing community, maybe he could go out to a pub that was for people like…’people like me… really fate you didn’t have enough fun with me already you had to make me gay too?’ Not that Remus thought that being gay was exactly a bad thing in itself, but society saw it very differently and that was a bad thing. It seemed like life just didn’t want him to ever think he could be normal. Sometimes life was just cruel.


	8. Dinner and Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus and Remus have dinner together, can Remus keep his new revelations to himself?

CHP 8: Dinner and Discussions

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”-Walter Winchell

Snape found his way to the guest bathroom and got himself washed up using the shampoo and conditioner there. His shower was much less eventful than Remus’ but relaxing and worry free. It was as he was towel drying his hair that he noticed that his hair seemed to be silky and smooth rather than its normal grease layered self. He had tried for years to combat the effect potion making had on his hair. He wasn’t entirely without vanity and the grease ball status hit him deeper than just how he looked. This was wonderful; he’d have to ask Remus where he got it.

Once dressed Snape headed down to the kitchen, and looked at Remus’ excuse for food. Deciding he needed to contact Dumbledore anyways, he sent for Tulipa one of the Hogwarts house elves. She was loyal to Snape as her family line served the Prince family which Severus was the current heir, though Snape had never considered himself the type to ever have his own personal house elf it was nice to have someone who would keep his secrets. Before calling her however he wrote a short note telling Dumbledore he would need to stay here over the weekend.

“Tulipa.”

A resounding crack filled the air followed by a younger house elf appearing before him, “Yes Master Snape?”

“Ah, Tulipa would you be so kind as to deliver this note to the headmaster?” He handed the folded parchment to her.

“Yes, Master Snape, would the Master be wanting anything else?”

“Thank you Tulipa, yes I’ll be working here this weekend with one of my colleagues who doesn’t do much in the way of grocery shopping would it be possible to have you bring us meals?”

“Of course Master Snape, I’m certain if it is Hogwarts business the headmaster would insist upon it, and even if he didn’t you are much too thin. I shall bring back a fine late night dinner right away.” With a short bow and another crack Tulipa vanished.

Severus began getting the table set as well as cleaning up the kitchen in general. It took only moments and looking around he decided a fire would be a pleasant addition to dinner. He hoped Remus was doing alright and he was trying to decide if he should go check on him when the man appeared at the island counter looking worlds better than just an hour ago.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

“Please tell me you didn’t try and make food out of anything I have.” Remus said not quite looking Severus in the eye but on the counter he was leaning against.

“No, I sent a note to Dumbledore telling him I’ve been delayed here, and Tulipa will be bringing us something from the Hogwarts kitchen as soon as she’s delivered the note.” Snape saw the flash of worry that went across Remus’ face and added, “I didn’t tell him why I was staying just that I needed to stay.”

“Really”

“It’s not for me to say, at least not yet.”

“What do you mean not yet?”

“We need to talk about earlier.”

“Oh. Right. I…” Remus shifted, “I’m not even sure I know where to start. Or if I can.” He looked up briefly and then back down.

Severus wasn’t entirely sure what to say either, but he had seen with that quick look up the raw pain still residing in Remus, “Lupin,” he sighed, “are things really that bad for you? You know, never mind of course they are… or were? Do you think maybe it could be things were? Or do you still feel that you need to…go?” He finished rather lamely.  
Remus looked at him, “Yes, no, I don’t know. I… I hate…” Severus watched Lupin cast around as if he might find the words floating about in the air and he was headed around the counter when-

A crack sounded and Tulipa appeared with two trays she sat on the table. “The headmaster wishes you well on your research and says that should you need anything else to just ask. When you are ready for breakfast just call Master Snape.”

“Thank you very much Tulipa, this smells wonderful.”

“Thank you Master Snape.” Once again the house elf did a little bow a crack sounded and she was gone.

Snape turned to Remus, he saw the man gaze at the table and he too couldn’t help but feel his own mouth water, the rest of the talk could wait until after they ate. He crossed over to the table gesturing for Remus to do the same. Relieved when the man came up and stood behind the chair across the table from him. Snape hadn’t been entirely sure which spot was Remus and it seemed that he had guessed right.

“Thanks… for being so thoughtful as to have dinner sent.”

Snape couldn’t help but smile a little he had never imagined he would ever eat at the same table with Lupin or that the man would ever be saying thanks for that event occurring.

The food was more than either man had hoped for meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and lots of veggies. Both men tucked in and devoured their veggies first. Severus laughed to himself that both seemed to enjoy the veggies a great deal more than the meat on their plates.

“This is amazing; I’d forgotten how delicious the food was at Hogwarts.” Remus dove into the mashed potatoes nearly inhaling them.

“I can certainly agree with you in that respect.” Severus also moved onto his mashed potatoes.

They finished their meals in a comfortable silence. Severus couldn’t help but notice Lupin stealing glances at him every so often, and he wondered what had the man acting that way. ‘He must be worried about talking to me. He should just trust me. What am I saying, I haven’t given him much reason to trust me but I’ve kept his secret so far and I plan on doing so unless he gives me reason not to do so.’ He was mildly surprised that it was Lupin that broke the silence.

“Look, Snape, I’d appreciate it if you kept my… my incident today between us. I’m not sure I could handle Dumbledore’s piercing eyes and continual denial of the world not being a fair place.”

Severus raised an eyebrow at this statement, ‘my so Remus sees that old coot the same way as I do?’ he thought to himself. “Well, Lupin I’m not one to spread other people’s business unless it seems necessary, I think for now we can leave Dumbledore out of this, but I am interested in this letter you received.”

“Really?” Remus waved his hand and the letter flew into his hand which he extended to Snape’s hand. “It says, uh, that I’ll need a witness if I agree to take him in…”

“I can read Lupin.” Severus had just finished skimming and didn’t think a play by play of the thing was needed. “Well, are you going to do it?”

“Do you really think they’ll let me?”

Severus sighed, “I’m not sure, but I think you should do it. A kid needs someone who will do best by him and while I am loathe to say it, I can think of no better person for the job than you.” He really wasn’t loathe to say any such thing. In fact he thought it was a great idea, the kid would be lucky to have a man like Lupin as a father figure.  
Lupin looked at Snape, “I think you’re right, but I’d only feel comfortable with doing it if you’d be my witness and his…er…you know…his G/dparent.”

Severus nearly choked at that reply, what was Lupin playing at? “Why me?”

He noticed the bright red color Lupin’s face took on and wondered what was running through the werewolf’s mind. “Well, you’re a pretty solid person and we’ll be working together a lot on this werewolf cure so why bring someone else into it? We can keep it between us for now. So will you do it?”

“I need to think about it.” It wasn’t that he didn’t want to say yes, he just wasn’t entirely sure he could give Lupin all that he was asking for. He needed time before he could trust the other man, yes he had forgiven him, but it was his nature to be guarded. “It’s an honor for you to ask me, but I need time.”

“Um… look you can say no, I’ll understand if you don’t want to be a part of it.”

“It’s not that Lupin, I just… I don’t like to rush into things, if you need an answer now then ask someone else, but if you really want me to do it then let me digest the idea of it before I say one way or the other.”

“Oh, I understand, I can wait but I don’t know how long he can wait.”

“Don’t worry; I’ll know how I feel about it soon, just give me a week or two. Get a hold of them and see when you need to have one by and go from there.” He felt like he owed Lupin something encouraging so he smiled. Remus smiled back and they finished their evening buried in books actually doing the research Snape had come over there to do in the first place.

Occasionally Severus would catch Lupin looking at him and while Lupin would just shrug or ask for clarification on different ingredient combination properties, Severus felt certain there was something else on the wolf’s mind. He decided to let the other man work it out on his own unless he got creepy. Overall it seemed as if Lupin was doing better everything that had piled up on him to drive him to suicide was still there; a lot of it would stay there until the world itself changed. He saw a hardened determination in his eyes that left him feeling like there would not be another incident like this… ‘At least not for a while.’

It was as he was nearing sleep later that night that he realized what that look that Lupin was giving him reminded him of, ‘No friggin way…Lupin…I’m way too tired to trust my thoughts now.’ And by the morning he had completely forgotten.


	9. Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus, decides to venture into muggle London in search of a gay pub... But first he needs to see Tom the Bartender at The Leaky Cauldron.

CHP 9: Adventures

“I cannot command winds and weather.”-Lord Horatio Nelson

The weekend had gone great almost back to their normal comfortable working silence, doing research on something that could fix the werewolf problem. The only thing that left Remus worried was Snape had not given Remus a decision when he left. Time was passing and he had contacted the lawyer they said that as soon as their thanksgiving holiday was over they would be by which meant a week from the following Monday. He was uncertain if he should owl Snape yet or give him a little more time to get back to him. Either way he was getting restless and now that he had come to terms with the fact that he was gay, he wanted a distraction. Honestly he wanted a distraction from the deepening realization that he may have very well fallen for Severus Snape. This weekend he was going to go into London catch a show maybe one of those pubs would be having one.

The only problem was Remus didn’t know where to find a gay bar, club or district. He figured the best place to start was at the Leaky Cauldron, Tom knew just about any place one might want to go. He went to his closet and changed his clothes thinking it would not be best to travel into muggle London dressed as a wizard. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a sweater he pulled on an old pair of army boots and remembering proper etiquette he pulled his suspenders up to signify he was not looking for a fight. Looking in the mirror he decided aside from needing a haircut he looked alright and wouldn’t get more than a few strange looks from muggle passersby. He stepped into his fireplace and with a quick few words was off spinning between the grates until reaching the right one.

It was midday and slow at the Leaky Cauldron being after lunch and not time yet for the early dinner crowd. Remus looked around noticing only about three actual customers none of whom he recognized. Feeling a little weary he headed towards the bar where he saw Tom wiping down some glassware.

“Ahh, Remus my boy it’s been a long time what can I get you?”

“Well see the thing of it is Tom,” Remus stepped up to the bar leaning over it and dropping his voice to a whisper, “I was wondering if you could help me find a place.”

Tom raised his eyebrow, but continued smiling, “What sort of place?”

“I was hoping you might know of a…er… well a place where gay men might go to hang out and drink or something.” Remus dropped his eyes feeling his face flame certain Tom would throw him out or ask a lot of questions he wasn’t yet ready to answer.

“Hmm, I might know a few places like that.” Tom then looking over Remus’ clothes intently thought for a moment and Remus was sure he had worn the wrong thing. “There’s this bar called the Hole, they’ve got a show this weekend some Yankee group that might be your style. It’s not just for gay blokes and it’s in a rough part of the city but lots of kids who dress like you go there, or so I’ve heard.”

“Do you think I would meet other, you know, gay guys there?”

“Oh to be certain, but be careful like I said it’s a rough neighborhood. Lots of skins go there as well as SHARPS and the two-tone skins, but occasionally there are fights when the boneheads get wound up about something or another and roll the place.”

Remus swallowed a lump around his throat it sounded scary but exciting all the same, and really this whole new part of him was scary. “Thanks Tom, do you have the address?”

Tom handed him a napkin with his scratchy writing on it, “Don’t you worry boy I won’t mention this to anyone just keep yourself safe.”

“Is it that bad?”

Tom shrugged, “It can be, but you’ve always had a good head on your shoulders. Now is there anything I can get you since you’re here?”

“A shot of fire whiskey would be great.”

“Coming right up, oh and Remus when you go there make sure you order their kinds of drinks, like just plain whiskey or beer.” Tom poured and passed him his shot as he said this. Remus took his shot and left the money on the counter.

“Thanks again Tom.” Remus turned and walked out the front door and out into muggle London to track down this bar. 

Friday found Remus a mess of nerves but determined to go out to the Hole; he had his jeans clean and a Ben Sherman on under his old army fatigue jacket; he had still not gotten a haircut so he had put it up into liberty spikes. He had gone by the place earlier in the week and found out that the band that was playing was group called Social Distortion, after hitting a nearby record store he had found they had only so far released one album and had been in a movie that documented their first tour. The guy behind the counter said they were working on a new album and might be playing some stuff at the show which he had already bought tickets for. The album was awesome he had listened to it almost nonstop since getting it.

Sighing at himself in the mirror, ‘Well here goes nothing. At least I’ll like the music if I don’t meet anyone tonight.’ He went into the kitchen and threw back a shot of fire whiskey. Closing his eyes he pictured where he wanted to go and with a pop he was in an alley he had scouted out earlier in the week about two blocks away from the bar. He shivered as he noticed it was snowing in this part of London. Shrugging his coat up he headed to the doors of the bar, they had opened about an hour ago but the first set wasn’t due to start for another twenty minutes. He showed the bouncer his ticket and was let in. 

It was loud and crowded inside but in a totally good way like the anticipation before a quidditch game was about to start. Heading straight for the bar he caught the bar tender’s eye and he headed over to him.

“What’ll you have new blood?” The bar tender did not hide his thorough going over of Remus and when he finally looked Remus in the eye there was a slight crooked smile that gave Remus goose bumps but in a good way.

“What’s good?”

“Depends, whiskey here is always good, but if you prefer a pint we’ve got some good local shit. We DON’T do mixed drinks.”

“Whiskey it is then.”

“Single or double?”

“Better make it a double.”

The bar tender poured him his drink, and handing it over reached out his other hand for Remus to shake, “When you want a refill, name’s Gavin I’ll be on break here after the first set if you want to share a smoke.”

Remus shook his hand back. “Remus.” In his own mind he was in shock he wasn’t sure but he was either being offered to join in on a drug deal or he was being hit on. He hoped it was the second he’d never had muggle drugs before in his life.

Remus thought it best to head towards the crowd as he heard the band’s guitars keying up. Looking around he silently gave thanks for Tom who always seemed to know where to find whatever one was looking for. ‘Tom was right I fit in here pretty well and I think I was just hit on. I wonder if Dumbledore has ever realized just how big an asset Tom is?’ 

Then the band began to play, and while Remus had heard their music this live version was raw and real and haggard in all the ways the crowd needed them to be and polished and refined in ways that only an expert would clearly notice but what made every punk in that club love them.


	10. Snowflakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus travels into Muggle London and meets up with an old friend. Happy endings? Of course not.

CHP 10: Snowflakes

“From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, “I survived.””-Craig Scott

It had been a busy few weeks for Severus and he was looking forward to his weekend which he planned on spending off of school grounds. His plan was to go see one of his favorite bands play on Friday and then go by Remus’ to talk about him being a witness/guardian.

He was excited for the show and come that Friday afternoon he was digging around in his wardrobe trying to find his suspenders. It had been a long time since he’d ventured out into muggle London and as result most of his muggle clothes which he normally wore when not at work had made their way into various hiding spots. Finally giving up on finding them without help he called Tulipa.

“Tulipa.”

“Yes Master Snape.”

“Would you be so kind as to help me find my suspenders?”

“Yes Master Snape, Tulipa would love to help, only what are suspenders?”

“Oh, er… I mean braces.”

“Ahh, Master Snape those would be on your other set of trousers.”

“Oh.”

“Does Master need anything else?”

“No thank you Tulipa, you’ve been of great help. Have a good rest of your night.”

“Yes Master Snape.”

Severus reached into the pile on the closet floor and pulled up his other pants and as Tulipa had said his suspenders were there. He quickly removed them from that set and placed them on the jeans he was currently wearing and pulled them up over his sweater. Looking at himself in the mirror he was ready except for his hair. He wasn’t sure what to do with it as silly as it was and he didn’t want to put anything into it after finally having it soft and silky from using that shampoo from Remus’. ‘Don’t be such a dork; if it works with potion messed up hair it’s sure to get other things out of it too.’ With that decided he quickly did his hair; styling it like those of the old greasers the Yanks had back in the 50’s.

He arrived at the bar shortly after the first set had started. They were really going and he joined the mosh pit that was near the front of the stage. It was one of the few times and places where he could really let go of himself, the slam of unknown bodies the smell of sweat and booze and occasionally some harder stuff drifted through him and he faced it all with a reckless abandon that would have left those who knew him as Professor gawking. It felt good to finally find some measure of freedom. 

As the first set was winding down he found himself up front and caught the lead singer’s eyes. Mike Ness looked startled at seeing the man again but as a true performer didn’t lose composure. Severus smiled up and nodded in response to the other man’s head jerk. Soon he found himself out by the alleyway behind the bar trying to warm his hands against the chill.

“Savvy? Is it really you?”

Severus turned being pulled into a hug by the other man, “Mike, it’s been a long time. You guys are really bringing it tonight.”

Mike Ness front man for Social Distortion raised his eyebrow at the other man’s odd mix and match slang. “Savvy, you should have told me you were gonna show we could have grabbed a bite. As it is we’re off to Germany after the gig tonight. Our manager says we’ve been out of the scene too long and have to get our faces back out there.”

“I’ll say, man I’ve been waiting for a new album going on what two years now, what happened, you fall in love or something?”

Mike rubbed the back of his head looking down, “Nothing as much fun as that, Denny says I’ve been falling into a bad habit or two and this past year or so I’ve been trying to fight the good fight, but I am planning on playing a song I’ve been working on tonight.”

“Really that’s freaking awesome. The song that is…” Severus looked Mike up and down deciding he looked rather healthy at the moment. “You look good, keep up that fight and when you’re done touring you and the band should come visit me. I’ve missed you guys since that last tour I went on with you all.”

“Hey man you were the best roadie we’ve ever had.”

“Yeah and also the cheapest you’ve ever had too.”

“It’s hard to find people who are in it for the music. How would I find you if we were to come and visit?”

“Just send a line to the Leaky Cauldron, London; the bar tender there knows how to find me.”

“Alright man well I’ll send you a line either way.” Mike looked back at the door then back to Severus, “I have to get back up there man but it’s great seeing you again.” He leaned into hug Severus again and before letting go, “Really man we have to catch up sometime.” Smiling he turned and headed back inside. Mike’s hug left Severus feeling good; it wasn’t something he would normally allow but there in that world with this group it was normal. Finally he came to understand that this feeling was the same that the marauders had all those years ago in school and he felt equal parts jealous and happy. 

Neither man noticed the group standing off in the distance watching them intently; and the group made no move as Severus also headed back in to catch the second set. He felt as if he were on cloud nine after his brief reunion with the band he had roamed the states with on and off again shortly after the dark lords fall. They had been the prefect remedy for all the craziness that had been his life prior to that.

The second set was better than the first the crowd was really amped up and letting their energy flow into each other. It was the kind of high that could only be found in groups all focused on the same thing and their excitement was rewarded when the band announced their newest song which would be on their next album. It was a twangy kind of song called ‘Prison Bound’ that seemed to speak to everyone present.

After the end of the second set it was a band change and while Severus usually stayed for the whole show he had seen Bad Manners before and understood why they were falling out of popularity. Their sound was stale and the group itself didn’t seem to enjoy spending time with each other. ‘That’s the big difference between SxDx and them, Mike and the guys still love what they’re doing they go out on stage and have a good time, these guys they’re just lost from it all. Mainstream really ruined them,’ Severus thought to himself as he stepped out of the bar and onto the snow covered streets of London.

Severus once again did not notice the group of men from earlier start to follow him as he headed to an alleyway about two blocks from the bar. One moment he was turning the corner and the next he felt someone come up behind him cracking his face into the brick wall. Other arms caught him under his arms as he slid to the ground. All the fight left him as he caught several hard kicks to his middle and before he knew it he was pinned down on his stomach.

His pants were painfully pulled down around his ankles and muffled grunts from above him drifted in and out of his dazed mind. The biting cold snow on his head felt kind of nice and he chose to focus on that as he felt the first min force himself inside. Severus heard a grunt and pain tore through his body, starting at his entrance and running along his back and into his gut. He remained silent. He’d lived through worse, until a second prick forced its way next to the first. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He was going to die from this, he could feel his blood flowing from him like a river. His mind could take no more.

The snow around by his eyes turning a deeper and deeper shade of red as he willed his mind to go somewhere anywhere else, and eventually the men were done; leaving him for dead in the snow covered streets of London. His own thoughts wandering back to when he was a small boy and his mom would tuck him into bed on the nights when his father had gone out drinking and they were safe for the time being.


	11. Blood and Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus may have gotten more than he bargained for, but can he return the favor?

CHP 11: Blood and Tears

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”-Unknown

Bad Manners was taking their first break and Remus was standing by the bar talking with Gavin drinking another double of whiskey. Overall he had enjoyed Social Distortion much better and was thinking about cutting out early when Gavin hoped over the bar and grabbed Remus’ hand.

“C’mon I got a 15.”

Remus followed the tug on his hand winding his way through the crowd until he found himself in the men’s room. “What are we-“ his words cut off by Gavin’s lips crashing down on his own. Sparks flew and he was lost in roughness of the other man’s kiss his arms wrapping around Gavin’s wide shoulders. The man pushing him into a stall and locking the door behind him then moving to Remus’ pants giving a satisfied grunt as his hands found what they were looking for. Remus finally managed to pull away, “Gavin, I’ve… I’ve never…”

“Shh,” Gavin put a finger to Remus’ lips, “Don’t worry I won’t go too far just try and relax.” Remus tried to relax but it wasn’t an easy task as Gavin’s hands began to caress his very angry erection and then moving one hand to his own hardness. Soon Gavin was on his knees kissing at Remus’ hips and inner thighs then moving to take Remus’s cock inside his mouth. Remus couldn’t help but gasp as the wet warmth encompassed him; his breathing growing quicker. He knew what was going to happen but he tried to hold off.

“Oh crap, Gavin, Gavin I’m gonna…” But it was too late and with earth shaking moan he let go and filled Gavin’s mouth. Watching in awe as the man swallowed all he was offered. “I’m so sorry, I’ve never, no one’s ever…”

Gavin gave a playful tug and stood up, “It’s okay that’s what I was going for, I love newbies. It makes me so hot to do that, see?” He pointed down at himself showing that he had also finished. He gave Remus another rough kiss tasting of his own salty bitterness and when he pulled away he was panting a little. “Don’t worry about it I’m not looking for anything serious really. I got an old lady at home sort of, but sometimes guys have to help each other out so if you need a little help every now and then you know where to find me.” Then Gavin put himself away, unlocked the door and walked out.

Remus stood there not sure what to think or do. It had felt great but a part of him felt guilty, ‘It should have been Severus. What am I thinking Severus doesn’t like blokes. But I love him and I feel like I’ve just cheated on him.’ Not sure what he was feeling Remus decided to call it a night. 

Leaving the bar his thoughts were all over the place and he walked almost completely unaware of his surroundings until found the alley he was returning home from and saw what looked like a bum lying in the snow. He was about to turn away to find somewhere else when he noticed the red snow around what he was certain was the head of the other. Kneeling down he went to turn the body over to see if he could help when his gaze fell upon a familiar face.

“Snape…” There was no response from the other man but Remus saw little white clouds as the man breathed. Relieved that at least the man was alive he picked him up and thinking of his own home he took a step turning and with a pop vanished from the alley.

It was raining at home but Remus barely noticed as he carried Snape inside. It seemed there was blood everywhere and for a moment he thought of flooing to Hogwarts but he wasn’t sure if it would be good for Snape to travel so much. Almost in a panic he searched his mind for what to do when he remembered Tulipa. He hoped she would come to his call.

“Tulipa.” He spent a nerve wracking moment waiting flooding with relief when he heard a familiar crack.

“Master Lupin, what can Tulipa help you with?”

“It’s Snape, Tulipa, he’s been hurt and I don’t know what to do.”

The tiny house elf looked over her master with concern using some of her elf magic to assess what was wrong with the man. “Tulipa needs you to take him the bathroom and remove all his clothes. Also run a warm bath he is very cold in addition to everything else.”

“So you can help him?”

“Yes Master Lupin but you must hurry.”

Remus carried Snape into the master bath and began removing his clothes one part of his brain noticing they dressed quite similar. He nearly cried out in horror when he removed Snape’s pants and saw the blood coming from his backside. ‘Oh Severus what happened?’ There was the love of his life beaten, broken and raped lying in front of him. Tulipa soon joined him and taking it all in, she set to work with Remus pacing back and forth like a nervous husband whose wife is giving birth to their first child.

“Master Lupin, Tulipa needs some peace, please go and wait outside once he’s patched up I’ll have you come in and sit with him in the tub.

It was a short wait outside and Remus sat shivering slightly in his boxers. The last thing he wanted was for Snape to wake up in the tub with him thinking he had done this to him. Soon Tulipa beckoned him back into the bathroom and had him sit in the warm water with Snape for 15 minutes to get his core temperature up. Snape started coming around and though at first he jerked he saw where he was and somewhat relaxed. 

“Master Snape, Tulipa has fixed you up but you need some sleep. Master Lupin will help you to bed and keep you warm. I’ll be back in the morning with some breakfast. There’s some dreamless sleep potion on the bedside table that I want you to take.”

Snape just shook his head in understanding and Remus helped him up and helped to dry him off with a drying spell then lead him to bed. He had never seen Snape look more fragile in his life and his heart broke inside for what he had just lived through.

“Master Lupin Tulipa is going now. If you need me again just call.” 

Remus shook his head yes his eyes glued to the other man. The other man shivered under the bedcovers, and Remus wasn’t sure what to do, he knew he needed to keep his body temperature up, but there was little way to heat this room short of being under the covers. Hesitating slightly he got under the covers with Snape; he remembered the man had held him while he was sleeping not so long ago, ‘It should be alright with him as long as I tell him what I’m doing… I hope.’

“Severus, it’s Remus I’m just getting under the covers with you to keep you warm, so don’t hit me or anything ok?” He hadn’t expected a reply, but the other man turned to face him. The eyes that looked back at him seemed almost dead; devoid of any emotion.

“Don’t worry I’m not up to hitting anyone right now.”

“Er… right well I’m just going to put my arms around you to keep you warm… that is unless… I’m no good at this Severus I want to help. I just don’t know what to do.” He looked around helpless.

“Yes, well that’s a good start, just be careful alright.”

Remus slowly wound his arms around the other man pulling him close to his chest. He was being as gentle as possible but couldn’t help noticing the other man’s wince. “Oh sorry, I was… I didn’t mean.”

“Remus, you know you babble when you’re nervous. It’s okay the shifting just hurt a little is all.”

They laid there adjusting to each other for a while when Remus remembered the potion. “Severus, your potion, Tulipa said you needed to drink it.”

“It won’t help.”

“What do you mean it won’t help? You need sleep to heal.”

“It’s just going to delay me processing what happened.”

“You say that like you’ve been here before.”

“In a similar situation yes; never exactly like this.”

“Severus, what did happen tonight?”

Silence fell deep and long and Remus was certain Severus wasn’t going to answer. ‘He doesn’t have to say and he really doesn’t have to tell me. I’m most likely the last person he wants to open up to; I hope he knows I’m just trying to be a friend not trying to pry.’ Then Snape shifted and was looking Remus in the eye.


	12. Victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus speaks of what happened in bits and pieces, and the two men grow a little closer.

CHP 12: Victim

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”-Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“Severus, what did happen tonight?”

Remus had asked him almost as if he were afraid he was asking too much of the other. Severus weighed the options in his mind. He was sure Lupin wouldn’t take offense if he chose not to answer, but he knew it spoke volumes about how much he trusted the other man if he did remain silent. He didn’t want to relive tonight’s events just yet but he would have to eventually. His whole body hurt as he shifted to catch the other man’s eyes and then he found them and nearly lost his nerve. It wasn’t pity he saw in the other’s eyes, but almost a strange kind of longing.

“I went to see a show. I knew the band and during one of the sets I caught up with the lead singer, Mike, and once they were done playing I decided to leave.” He looked down then the scene replaying in his mind’s eye refusing to be blocked out even though his eyes were now shut. “I hadn’t noticed I was being followed until a hand was making my face friends with a brick wall. It hurt badly but I still had some fight left in me until someone kicked me soundly in the gut a few dozen times or so.” It was strange how easy it was for him to talk about the getting beat part; it was the part that was coming up that he wasn’t sure he could get through.

“Severus, you don’t have to go on.” Lupin said as if sensing Severus’ unwillingness to face the next part.

Shaking his head slightly he looked back into Lupin’s eyes then rolled onto his back. “I fell to the ground; the snow felt nice against my busted face and I just stared at the blood-my blood-turning the pure white red. Then they were ripping my pants down and I tried one last time to fight it, but they had me penned down.” He felt his voice catch and he took a few steadying breaths before continuing. “There was a white searing pain as the first man forced himself into me. He ground into me so roughly I felt like I might puke but… but I didn’t. Once he finished the others took their turn. I prayed for it to end to pass out to escape it like I did when I was a kid. Finally it was over. At least that part of it was. There was more punching and kicking. One of them forced my mouth open and peed, and I thought I’m going to choke to death on some bonehead’s urine. The show must have been letting out because they just up in left. I don’t remember anything until I was here.”

“Sna-Severus, I’m so sorry… I wish I could do something more, but…”

Severus almost jumped he had quite forgotten the other man was there listening. ‘I don’t need him to do more, he’s here, he’s listening, and as far as I can tell he still sees me as me.’ He rolled back so his head was once more resting on Remus’ chest and without any real thought he grabbed the other’s hand with his own. It was warm and surprisingly soft even though they carried the signs of physical labor. For a brief while Lupin’s hand became his whole world. ‘I want to cry but I can’t, I wish I could just let go, but I can’t. At least not yet.’

Then Lupin did something unexpected; turning his body towards Severus he placed a soft gentle kiss on his forehead. Remus then put his arms around him more fully in a hug and whispered, “I’m here, you’re safe now. I’m here for you.” Those words triggered the tears that Severus could not earlier let flow and soon he was sobbing uncontrollably into the man’s chest.

It had been such a long time since someone had held him as if he were all that mattered in the world and it meant the world to Severus, but he had no idea how to gain control of himself enough to say thanks and he sobbed even harder. Remus just continued to hold him gently. It went on like this for some time until Severus was finally able to take a few good breaths between sobs and then they finally stopped altogether. ‘Great now what is Lupin going to think of me? Why do I care? He’s cried in front of me; I’ve held him while he cried himself out. I guess this kind of makes us even. But it’s still strange… It’s still embarrassing.’ He cleared his throat a little to speak but Lupin beat him to the punch.

“Severus, I’m kind of thirsty, what say I make us some tea? It’ll help warm you up.” He finished with a little grin as if he were trying to bribe him.

Severus found he couldn’t help himself but smile slightly at that “Yes, thank you.” He watched Lupin leave, ‘I must have lost it, smiling after all that has happened tonight. Well if I am at least it seems I have someone who will visit me in the loony bin. I’m lucky he found me, but I wonder how… Oh well I can ask later.’

Lupin returned with two cups of steaming tea and handed one to Severus; then looking about as if unsure if he should return to his previous spot on the bed or go somewhere else.

“Lupin, I’m still a bit chilled… If it’s not too much trouble would you mind…?”

“Oh, sure no problem, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to practice my transfiguration skills and turn something in here into a spare bed.” He smiled sheepishly at Severus, which surprisingly enough Severus found warmed him up in a way his tea couldn’t touch. On a different day he might have explored this feeling more, however, on different day he would not be in this situation to begin with. He found it was a good feeling regardless of its origin and Lupin’s warm body lying partially under his added to that good feeling; it was like he finally belonged somewhere and had someone to belong in that place with. The nature of how they belonged wasn’t something Severus was going to worry about at the moment; he already had enough to worry about. Tonight wasn’t going to just go away, but he knew he had someone who would listen to him when he needed and wouldn’t look at him afterwards as a victim. 

That last bit being the most important part.


	13. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus learns a little bit about the mystery that is one Severus Snape.

CHP 13: Questions

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”-Carl Gustav Jung

Shortly after they finished their tea, Snape settled himself so that he was the little spoon; his body still shivering every so often. Remus found himself filled with a kind of nervous energy that left his mind zooming about even as he tried to find a calming picture to send his mind off into. ‘I should take up meditation; this would be a lot easier I bet it would help if I knew how to use all those relaxation techniques instead of just jumping around. At least Severus seems to be sleeping well enough. I hope it stays that way; for his sake if nothing else.’

The rain was still falling down and Remus listened to drops hitting the overhead windows; it was a new moon tonight which always made him feel surreal in a way almost as if the new moon had the opposite effect on him as the full. Like he was completely himself with no virus running through his veins. ‘I wonder if that means something. I bet Severus would know, but I don’t want to wake him to ask.’ Looking down at the crown of the other man’s head he felt his heart swell with that now familiar feeling he knew was love and the sadness that was caused by his certainty that it would forever remain unrequited. Letting a single tear fall he kissed the top of Severus’ head and laid his head back with a sigh. ‘I can be your friend even if you can’t love me the way I love you. I’d be happy to spend my days knowing you saw me as a good person… a person worth being friends with.’ Soon after Remus too, fell asleep and all that could be heard was the rain against the window pane.

It was a familiar crack that stirred Remus from his sleep, and looking over he saw that Severus was still asleep. As gently as he could he disentangled himself from him and got out of bed. Tulipa was in the kitchen setting up two trays of breakfast it appeared she was planning on them having breakfast in bed. She smiled up at the sleepy wizard.  
“Good morning Master Lupin. Tulipa’s hoping I did not wake you too early but I wanted to get you breakfast before it was time to help in the kitchens.”

“Tulipa, you are a doll. This breakfast looks amazing. Severus is still sleeping but I’ll help you bring the trays to him.”

“Master is very kind but I can manage this you go on back to bed and see if you can’t wake Master Snape up. Tulipa is wanting to take a look at him and see how he’s mending.”

“Sure thing, Tulipa.” He turned to go, but then a thought occurred to him. “First, however, I wanted to ask you a few things if you don’t mind.”

“Tulipa is happy to help Master Lupin iffing she can.” The elf had slowed in her fussing about his kitchen and stood looking up at him.

“Well, it’s my understanding you are a Hogwarts house elf and while I am most grateful that you do… Is it usual for Hogwarts elves to be so… so attentive to one professor?”  
“Ah, Master Lupin is wondering if there is another connection between Tulipa and Master Snape?”

“In a manner, yes I am.”

“Master Lupin is asking a difficult question sir.”

“I apologize Tulipa; if you feel uncomfortable answering you do not need to do so.”

“It’s not that Master Lupin, Tulipa is needing some time to word it.” The elf closed her eyes in concentration. “Master Snape as you be knowing is a half blood and indeed comes from a noble line. The Princes… His mother went against tradition and took up with his father. Master Lupin as you know there was much crying and fighting about it and then there was silence as Master Prince wrote Mistress Snape out of his will, but after sometime he took ill and knowing Young Master Snape was his only heir, he put him back into his will with a few conditions. When Master Prince finally passed Master Snape decided that until he could claim his full inheritance that the house elves living on the Prince estates should be sent to Hogwarts so they would feel they had need. My family was among those house elves. However as my mother and father are quite old they asked if they could stay on at the manor and Master Snape being the kind hearted soul that he is allowed them this request saying they only need ask should they wish to have some help of their own or change their minds. Master Snape does not consider us “his” house elves but that is the difference between wizards and house elves I guess, because we will always see him as ours.”

That explained a great deal to Remus, but as most answers do he was left with even more questions, but the answers to those were probably ones the house elf couldn’t even begin to guess at. His next question was one he was almost certain the elf would not answer regardless of if she knew the answer or not, but… “Thank you Tulipa that was very helpful, but I have another question I’d like to ask.”

“Yes Master Lupin?”

“You see, last night Sn-Severus said something that got me wondering, has this kind of thing happened to him before?”

“Oh Master Lupin, Tulipa is not sure she should be speaking about those things.”

“Tulipa, I am not asking for details or anything I just wondered, when I asked him, he more or less said not exactly.”

“Master Snape said that, then that is what Master Snape meant. Tulipa knows she is not being much help, but… It has been a very hard life for Master Snape. His father was what I imagine to be a true monster. Beyond that Tulipa does not feel she can say more.”

“Thank you Tulipa, I know that was hard for you. I’ll not ask you any more about such things today. Let us see if he is up yet and bring him this delicious breakfast you have brought.” 

‘Dear Lord,’ Remus thought to himself as he turned and headed towards his room. ‘It’s a wonder Snape didn’t snap and kill us all in school. He had almost no reprieve from torment. Even now it seems hardships follow him. If only there was a way I could make it easier… I am such a horrid person, those things I’ve thought about him… I didn’t ask him if it was alright, in my own way I violated him.’ Self-loathing was growing in Remus’ heart as he went to wake Snape up. And he felt the bile rise in his throat and he almost laughed at himself. ‘Fine thing to do this man puke on him another time.’ 

“Snape wake up, Tulipa is here with some food.”

Snape rolled over his face looking sallow and his eyes empty. “I don’t want anything.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her.”

Snape said nothing and soon enough Tulipa was at his side. There was no winning against her without directly ordering her to stop and since Snape didn’t do such things normally it was not in him to do so now. Remus watched at a slight distance feeling almost as if he were spying on a very private family moment even if it was taking place in his room on his bed no less.

The conversation he had with Tulipa had given him a lot to mull over; it was interesting that Snape was the heir apparent to such an old family line. He had heard of the Prince line; if he recalled correctly it was one of the older lines in wizarding Britian, ‘I’ll have to see if their listed in my Encylapedia of Great Wizarding Households of Great Britian later this evening. They must be listed in their somewhere especially if they had a manor.’

“Master Lupin would you be wanting some more tea?” The wide eyes of the young house elf looked into his own slightly startled ones.

“Yes, please.” He reached his cup out and she refilled his cup before going back over to Snape to check on his progress.

Going back to his musings as he took a sip his mind fastened onto the other question he had asked Tulipa. In school he had heard whispers about Snape’s father being a drunk but he had never paid it much mind. The idea that his father had been abusive was almost more than Remus could stomach. ‘I really was lost in my own world in my school days. Of course it’s not like he would have told me had I paid attention to the rumors.’ He couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to grow up feeling his own dad had hated him.


	14. Idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A useful book?

CHP 14: Idiots

“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”-Josephine Hart

There was no arguing with Tulipa when she went into mothering mode, so Severus just did his best not to squirm while she looked to his physical wounds. The breakfast she had prepared for him did not look appealing at the moment but knowing it would hurt her feelings he took a few bites and found to his surprise that he was ravenous and ate hurriedly only to find that his stomach was not all that ready for the onslaught of food. He reached over a sipped his tea in hopes that it might help to settle down his now churning stomach.

Lupin excused himself shortly after his tea, he had said he wanted to go for a walk while the weather was still nice. Severus found this slightly odd as it was still raining out, and was about to ask when he found himself cornered once more by Tulipa waving a jar of Severus’ own special blend of healing cream. 

“Master Snape, Tulipa is wanting to apply this before Tulipa has to return to the kitchens.”

“I can apply it myself Tulipa, really you don’t have to do so.” Severus felt a flush creeping up his cheeks. ‘I don’t care if I can’t reach the parts on my back I do not want to expose myself in the light of day.’ He hoped she would not push the matter and to his great relief she did not.

“Alright Master Snape I’ll just leave it here on the table.” Tulipa placed the jar down and then to his surprise she sat down beside him as he sipped his tea.

In general he hated being watched over like this but this morning he didn’t really notice it. Finally after what seemed like forever his cup was empty and Tulipa refilled it while taking his breakfast tray away. 

“Thank you Tulipa.”

“Master Snape is most kind, and now I must be off to the school.” With a bow and crack she was gone and Severus was by himself.

Looking around Severus remembered the one other time he had been in this room. ‘That time I had been comforting Lupin, this time it’s him comforting me…I hate this.’ His mind was wandering dangerous territory and in an attempt to distract himself he looked past the chair that Lupin had been occupying earlier and noticed behind it, rows and rows of books. 

‘I thought I was a bookworm, but I daresay this collection is wonderful.’ His eyes landed on one titled, Magical Building Blocks by Wimsy Artcheitek. It wasn’t really remarkable in anyway but his eyes seemed drawn to it in a way that said this was a book he needed to read. From time to time things like this would happen to Severus where he would be drawn to something he would need in the future. He did not consider himself a Seer but sometimes it was uncanny.

Summoning the book to his bed, Severus propped himself up and turned on the bedside lamp. If nothing else it would keep his mind busy as he sat alone. The first chapter was a history of buildings in general and further on magical constructs such as different enchantments that could be put onto the structure before, during, and after it was built. There was even a section describing various potions that could be used as part of the mixture that made up different types of building materials. 

It was in the back of the book that Severus found something that intrigued him even beyond the potions bit and even the part about Hogwarts construction. It was a small part about unexplainable building phenomenon such as protective items that were never intended to be part of the building, the biggest occurrence being that of Gargoyles. 

***

The origin of gargoyles is one steeped in mystery; there is no clear point on which they truly started being protectors. The gothic styles we see them in now was where they started but no reason is satisfactory to how these creatures came to being. Muggles soon attempted to copy these great creatures of stone and now it is more common to see these than their magical counterparts. For years it was assumed that gargoyles were simply something the builder added, but it turned out that one day they were not there and the next they were with no one able to explain their being. It is said that buildings in which magical gargoyles are perched upon or within are very highly protected. It is agreed upon by all current scholars that these beastly statues are just that statues-highly magical statues-and nether a beast nor being having its own consciousness. Beyond that there seems to be no true history pertaining to the gargoyle just what the muggles have created so that they might explain them in their superstitious world.

***

‘There really isn’t much on these statues. I wonder why that is…’ Severus’ eye were drawn to the picture of a gargoyle that was on one of France’s many churches. ‘It looks almost alive’ and just as Severus thought that he could have sworn he saw the beasts’ eyes move. He continued looking at the picture for at least another thirty minutes but saw no more sign that the gargoyle had moved. Slowly he shut the book mulling over what he thought he saw. 

Only when lighting cracked across the sky did Severus look up from the book’s cover. His attention being drawn to the silhouette sitting in the rain. ‘Lupin is just sitting out there in the rain like an idiot.’ Looking about the room he found where his clothes had been folded, his movement to get them was stopped short by various shots of pain running through his body almost like a symphony some dull others sharp. Gasping he steeled his mind and moved a bit more gingerly over to his clothes. ‘I can’t believe I let my guard down so much… I wasn’t even drinking.’ He mentally shook his head and pulled his pants up. He noticed they had been cleaned and mended. ‘Thank you Tulipa.’  
Another bolt of lightning lit up the room followed almost instantaneously by a loud clap of thunder as Severus managed to pull his boots on. Taking ever more haggard breaths he moved out of the bedroom and the house towards the idiot werewolf who seemed content to drown in the downpour.

“Lupin!” Severus shouted into the dark morning trying to get the other man’s attention, but if Remus heard him he did not show it. A flash of anger burned through Severus’ body as he moved towards this man. Thoughts raging every which way as he made slow progress, ‘Maybe this is normal werewolf behavior; it’s not like anyone really cares to document much about the beasts except how to tell if one is a werewolf and what their weaknesses are…’ Then a pang of self-doubt hit him, ‘Maybe he just can’t be around me anymore… Maybe what happened was too much.’ Anger quickly following in the wake of that thought. ‘Ungrateful man after all I’ve done for him, after I helped him…’ Finally he was close enough to see the slouched figure and as he was about to shout the man’s name again he drew up short. ‘I think he’s crying… Maybe he didn’t want me to see him crying again because he’s worried I won’t help him out or I might tell Dumbledore on him.’

Lightning flashed again and Remus looked up almost jumping when he saw Severus standing before him. The look Severus saw wasn’t entirely readable, but was quickly overtaken by one of concern. “Severus, what are you… Come sit down.” He gestured to the bench he was occupying.

Severus took the last few steps towards the bench and as he sat he saw Remus wave his wand creating a sort of shield charm that seemed to also stop the rain from falling on them. Something Severus had never seen before, “Fancy bit of spellwork, how do you target the water?”

He wasn’t sure but he thought Remus blushed. “Oh well, it’s actually meant to prevent liquids from being thrown on you. As you know most shield charms protect against malevolent energies and as you also know not all potions that can do harm are strictly so in their nature. I tweaked this a bit so now no liquids, but a spell would blast right through… So not exactly right.”


	15. A Sunny Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finally tells Severus that he's gay, how will Severus react?

CHP 15: A Sunny Day

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”-Confucius

‘I’m babbling again’ Remus thought as he spoke about his rain shield charm. ‘I can’t stop though because if I do, then he’ll talk and I’ll have to look at him. I can’t look him in the eye. He’ll know something’s up.’

Severus, however, when he snuck a look was gazing out at the storm. A pensive look on his face. Then suddenly he turned and the words tumbling out of Remus’ mouth stopped. “Is that why you were sitting out here? Were you working on this?”

Remus turned looking out at the trees. ‘What can I tell him?’ He looked back at his house, “Not exactly no. I… I needed to clear my head a bit.” He shifted uncomfortably, ‘He’s not going to accept that.’ So sighing he continued, “I was trying to remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Well, it’s going to sound crazy…” Remus stole another look at Severus who seemed to not be looking anywhere at all. Worried that maybe he was being drawn into memories he didn’t want to be in Remus continued on. “The last time you were over here and I… I had… and I almost…”

“The day you got the letter?”

“Right, that day. Well you know how I went on a little trip?”

“Interesting way of putting that.” 

Remus shook his head, “Anyway… I really did go on a little trip is what I’m trying to say. It wasn’t the afterlife, at least I don’t think it was… James said-“

“James!?!” Severus nearly stood at the mention of the man’s name. Remus winced and immediately regretted mentioning who he had seen. He grabbed Severus’ arm to keep him from storming away.

“He talked to me, showed me things important things… I think. Things I needed to understand, remember, change… but I can’t remember any of them. I dream them but when I wake they’re gone. I was allowed to come back but I’m failing in what I should be doing.” Remus let go of the man’s arm realizing how risky it had been to grasp it in the first place. ‘I hope I didn’t just make it even worse… but maybe this way he won’t press for more information. I really hope he didn’t see me crying.’

Severus it seemed was thinking about what Remus had just told him. He made no motion but just sat there next to Remus. Eventually Remus found his mind wandering. He pictured sitting with Severus on a sunny day both happy and carefree. None of the past few week’s events marring the day. A smile played across his face as he envisioned resting his head on Severus’ shoulder while they both drank tea.

“What are you smiling at?” Severus voice interrupting Remus’ thoughts.

“Wha… Oh, er… A sunny day?”

“A sunny day?”

Remus shrugged, there was no way he was mentioning the rest. “Right, a sunny day.”

Severus looked at him and Remus had a few moments panic where he worried that he might spill his guts but then, “Well you’re an easy man to please if simply a sunny day makes you smile.” Severus looked back out. “I’m not saying I buy into this whole vision thing you say you had but there is precedence. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you won’t remember what you were shown until the time was right? You were only shown ahead of time so you would understand it better when you finally were ready to do what you must?”

The change of subject sent Remus reeling, ‘What was he talking about… Oh, right…’ “No.”

“Well why don’t you think about it now?”

“Makes sense, I guess. Yes, I rather like that idea. I’m not supposed to know until I’m supposed to know, you know?”

“Now you’re sounding as cracked as Dumbledore.”

“Thanks.”

“I didn’t mean it as a compliment.”

Remus smiled, “I know.”

Both men turned back to their own thoughts. Remus had no idea if what Severus had said was right but it made him feel a whole lot better about his mind not knowing what he had been shown. He still felt terrible as to all of his feelings towards the man sitting next to him. ‘I wish I could just tell him that I think I love him. That I want to kiss him and hold him. I would love to just be able to hold his hand and know he was holding mine back because he felt the same way. I need to get over him. I need to find someone else.’ It was then that his mind wandered to Gavin and he felt his heart beat raise a little.

A sigh escaped him, he knew that he didn’t feel for Gavin what he felt for Severus and he knew Gavin said nothing serious, but ‘But maybe I could grow to love him or like him and maybe he wouldn’t mind a few dates…’ His sigh had caught Severus’ attention and he had turned his gaze back to Remus.

“Am I that dull that I’ve driven you to sighing?”

Still caught up in his thoughts about Gavin it took a moment for the words to break through. “No, I was just thinking about what you said.”

“Really?” A raised eyebrow denoting his lack of belief. Remus squirmed.

“Alright if you must know I was thinking about someone. Someone I hope might… might like me.”

“So you haven’t totally given up on having a wife then?”

Remus shook his, “Nothing so serious as that. I’ll never marry.”

“If you say so.”

He wasn’t sure why, but Severus’ reply made him angry. “I’m never getting married!” He shouted at the man.

Severus shouted in return, “And just how do you know that!?! Is that something you’re little friend James showed you too!?!”

“No! I just know!”

“How?”

“I’m never getting married, because I gay! Okay! I’m freaking gay!” And with that all the anger and heat of the shouting match left both men. ‘Oh, no!’ Remus thought. ‘It’s all over now.’ Remus didn’t dare look up, he was sure Severus would pull away from him, flee back to Hogwarts never to darken his doorstep again.

“Gay?”

Defeated, Remus merely nodded. ‘Sorry James, guess I’m not going to be able to do everything I need. I can’t do anything without Severus.’

“Oh, okay then.”

It took a moment for Remus to understand what Severus had said. “Really… It doesn’t matter to you?”

“No.” Severus paused then reaching out a hand to Remus’ chin he forced Remus to look him in the eyes.

Remus had no idea why but suddenly he was crying again, ‘A trick this had to be some kind of cruel trick. I can’t take this…’ But then…

“It does kind of matter. I mean if I had known… well never mind. I just thought we were friends.”


	16. New Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pleasant lunch.

CHP 16: New Ground

“The shell must break before the bird can fly.”-Lord Alfred Tennyson

Severus continued to hold Remus’ gaze, ‘I don’t care if I just put that out there. I’m tired of hiding everything from everyone. Playing games has gotten me nothing but misery and loneliness.’ Remus seemed almost to be in shock, and at this Severus did roll his eyes.

“It can’t be news to you. After the past two weeks I think it would be safe to say we’re connected.”

Remus seemed to be melting and then suddenly Severus found himself wrapped up in a somewhat painful hug. He made to pull away, “What are you doing? I said friends!”

Remus pulled back a little, “I was hugging you. Friends do do that from time to time. Didn’t any of yours?”

Severus paused to think about this for a moment, “Yes, but only after we had been friends for a VERY long time.”

“Oh, right.” Remus scooted back to his side of the bench. “Sorry.”

Severus shook his head, ‘Strange, strange day.’ And then having nothing really to say, “Maybe we should have lunch or something.”

“I am kind of hungry, let’s head inside.”

The walk was a jarring jangling chorus of pain for Severus who while accepting the idea that he and Remus were friends was not ready to accept the wolf’s help with walking. 

Once inside they found Tulipa had apparently come and gone leaving sandwich fixings for them.

“She must have seen us outside and couldn’t stay.” Remus spoke as he added mustard to his bread. 

“Yes, well she does have other duties.”

After the sandwiches were made, they sat quietly enjoying the meal. Neither really felt up to anymore talking and Severus for one was not big on the whole touchy-feely stuff anyhow and the day had already seen him express himself more than would have been normal. He went to shove his hair from his eyes when he remembered he had wondered about the hair products Remus kept.

“Lup-I mean Remus.”

Remus looked up stifling a laugh, “Hm?”

Severus shifted uneasily, this was not going to be easy to ask about…”When I was here last time, you remember how I used your guest bath?”

Remus nodded.

“Well… I was, I… the shampoo it helped a lot in combating the effects potion smoke has on my hair. I didn’t see a label and had hoped you might tell me where I could get some.” Severus felt as if he had delivered a speech one of his students had wrote.

“Was it a green bottle or a blue one?”

“Green.” Severus wondered why the color mattered.

“Well funny thing that. You can get some from me.”

“You?” Severus looked at Remus, ‘Remus was never that good at potions in school, I wonder what changed.’

Seeming to know what was on Severus’ mind, Remus replied, “Yes, you see when I was very young and still getting used to… my furry little problem, I’d come home with all sorts of bits and such in my hair. My parents tried every product they could to clean it properly but nothing worked. So my mum took to tinkering about and invented it for me. Eventually, she marketed it to some muggles in Australia and was able to make money off it. Also, I get free bottles. As they don’t sell here, she was worried the wizards here would taint its marketability if it was sold here.”

“Your mom was good at potions then?”

“Actually, no. It’s something a muggle could have created.”

“Chemistry is only a few steps away from potions master. Or least that’s what I was taught by my mom. Lucky for you she valued muggle remedies otherwise I’d never have learned how to do stiches.”

“Sounds like our mum’s would have gotten on well. Funny isn’t it?”

“Why’s that?”

“Well if they had known each other than we might have started out life as friends.” Remus blushed again and quickly looked down.

Severus thought about this, ‘That would have been nice, but…’ He looked down, ‘Tobias would never have allowed such a thing as my mom to have friends or me a place to feel safe… He made her work so he could go out and get drunk all the time disappearing for days at a time.’ 

“Severus, do you think we would have been friends if we had known each other before school?”

“It’s hard to say really. I doubt my dad would have allowed it, he hated our world.”

“I knew he was a muggle but not much else.”

“There’s not much else to know, he was nothing, I hated him.”

“If he hated magic so much, why’d he marry your mum?”

“I have no idea, the best thing I could say about him is that he prepared me for the horrors in the world by making me live them at home… No wait the best thing I can say about him is that he died.” Severus’ face had gone blank as he fought to keep the terrors of his youth at bay. It wasn’t until Remus spoke that he realized what he had said aloud.

“He did things like what happened to you last night didn’t he?”

Severus couldn’t speak anymore, there were some things that words couldn’t fully express, there were things that words made worse that brought the nightmares to life. ‘I really hate him, even after all this time.’ He merely nodded.

Remus than did something Severus had not expected in the least. Suddenly there was pressure on his hand and Severus looked up into a tear soaked face. “Severus, you are an amazing person. The only reason I made it through my childhood was because my parents were so great, if my dad had… if he was… well it’s just unimaginable. There’s no way I would have made it to school let alone adulthood.”

Looking at the hand resting atop his own, he was shocked. ‘He doesn’t pity me, he doesn’t see me as tainted, he sees me as amazing? Maybe he’s not right in the head, but it’s a better reaction than I could hope for.’ Clearing his throat, “I’m not entirely sure I did make it to adulthood. Sometimes I feel like there are pieces of me left behind and that all that’s left is the outer shell.”

“Well we’re a fair pair then aren’t we?”

Cocking his head to the side he took a side look at this werewolf that was somehow making him feel almost good about himself. “How do you mean?”

“Simple really, I’m so low I couldn’t face the world another day and your so scattered you feel as if you’ve lost yourself. It’s the blind leading the blind.” Then for no reason that Severus could detect Remus was crying again.

“Hey now no need to be bothered by being honest, we are a fine pair when you look at it that way.” And for no reason he could see they both started laughing. Laughed until they cried, then cried until they laughed.


	17. Nightcaps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stairways can be a dangerous place.

CHP 17: Nightcaps

“Happiness consists in realizing it is all a great strange dream”― Jack Kerouac

Night time had only recently fallen and Remus was making up the guest bed for himself as it had been decided that Severus would remain downstairs another night and then head back to Hogwarts the next day. The guest room had once been two separate rooms but his parents had knocked the wall down giving it a loft sort of feel even though there was yet another two floors above.

Smiling to himself he remembered when he was younger, before he had been bit that the whole family used to sleep up on that floor. The downstairs bedroom had been added for his benefit later on. ‘I used to love my room up here filled with magical train sets and posters of the stars.’ Although he had never told anyone in school or afterwards, when he was young Remus had dreamed of one day becoming a sailor. He learned the stars and all their positions for every season, he had wanted to be the next Admiral Nelson. ‘Funny thing, the dreams of children, I wonder what Severus wanted to be when he grew up.’

A knock drew him from his thoughts, “Yes?”

“Master Lupin, it be Tulipa.”

“Come in.”

He turned to see the elf enter looking at him with a large smile, “My master is looking much better.”

“I’m glad. Do you think he will be well enough to return tomorrow?”

“Yes, I believe no will notice anything has happened to him there. Theys not as observant as they think at that school.”

Looking at the elf, he couldn’t fathom what on earth she had meant by that. “That’s good, I guess you know Master Severus values his privacy.”

“Yes.” She looked down than up as if trying to decide upon something. “His privacy is very important to him.”

“Don’t worry Tulipa, I won’t say anything if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Tulipa looked up alarmed, “Oh no, Master Lupin, Tulipa was not meaning that. Tulipa, just wants Master to have people he can trust to share his secrets with.”

“Well he has you.”

“Yes.”

“And me.”

At hearing this she brightened, “Good.” With that she was gone.

‘And I have him, not exactly how I had hoped to have him… but he’s a part of my life now. Anyone else the whole having to state the friendship would seem somewhat primary schoolish, but with a man like Severus and a history like ours nothing can be taken for granted. I needed to know it, hear it, for it to be real. Now I have nothing has to change not really.’

He changed into an old pair of pj bottoms and headed downstairs. Normally before bed he was fond of drinking a cup of hot chocolate and tonight seemed a good night for something warm and sweet. The low fire burning in the living/dining area offered the only light source so he figured Severus had already gone to bed. Turning the corner he raised his wand to light a few candles but stopped short when he heard noise coming from his room.

Creeping towards his door, he saw light leaking through the gap at the bottom and the noise grew almost more muffled as if the maker realized how loud it had been. ‘Should I knock? Should I just burst in? What is that noise?’ There actually seemed to more than one noise blending together: shuffling, slightly heavy breathing, something that might have been a sob, a thud… another thud and a definite sob, more shuffling.

‘He doesn’t want me to hear this. Just like I didn’t want him to see me earlier. What do I do?’ Looking back he retraced his steps to the stairs. ‘Ah, I know.’ As quietly as he could Remus rushed to the third step up and then rather loudly and with perhaps more force than he meant he jumped landing with as much noise as possible. 

The stinging sensation to the soles of his feet caused a sharp intake of breath and distracted him from the sudden rushing figure that tackled him to the stairs and held a wand to his throat.

“Ahrg… Severus, it’s just me.” The pressure lessened slightly and the tip of the wand lit up giving Remus a view of a somewhat enraged Severus.

“What are you thinking? I nearly killed you.”

“In my own house?”

“What has that got to do with anything?”

“Well that’s what I was thinking I’m in my own house I’ll jump the last three steps.”

“Does the fact that you nearly died right now not bother you?”

“Honestly? No, not really. You’re better than that you would have only tried to kill me if I had tried to overpower you since I didn’t you would have tried to question me… if I had been someone else and not me. But I’m me so now this is what has happened. You’ve tackled me and questioned me.”

Shifting his weight so that it was not directly on Remus, Severus shook his head. “Sometimes you are very strange. You know that right?”

Remus smiled, “I know; it’s what makes me so lovable.” His grinning eyes taking in Severus in the wand light. They were still somewhat tangled up Remus pushed up against the stairs. ‘Merlin he’s got beautiful eyes, and… and oh no I should totally not be thinking this.

The look on his face must have changed because, “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Severus made to move completely but due to his own injuries and no longer having the aid of adrenaline he wasn’t as graceful as might normally have been and ended up kneeing Remus’ gut in the process.

“Well I was fine, now I think I need to take a minute.” Stretching he tested all his limbs. “Yes I’m good.”

“Now that’s settled, what were you doing?”

“I told you, jumping from the-“

“Yes. I meant why were you headed down this way? Any special reason or do you just normally act like the world’s most incompetent burglar?”

"Had you going. But no I was going to make myself some hot chocolate.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like to join me?”

“Seeing as I’m here now, why not? I could use something to relax me.”

“You still have your dreamless sleep potion.”

“I told you I’m not taking it for that. It just delays the healing process.”

“Your choice. Just suggesting.” Standing up fully now he reached his hand down to help Severus to his feet. He wasn’t sure if the man would take it or not, but he did and the moment passed and he felt certain they were in a good place. 

“Aren’t you cold?”

Remus looked down realizing he had not put a shirt on or socks. “No, I have always ran a little hot and the closer it gets to the full moon the hotter I tend to run.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well it’s not like anyone has really bothered to study werewolves aside from methods to kill us.”

“True. I thought something similar to that earlier today when you were sitting out in the rain.”

Standing in the kitchen Remus looked up from the mugs he was filling, “I can’t be certain, but I think that’s a “me thing” not a werewolf thing.” He walked to the other side of the counter and handed Severus his mug. “Not everything I do is because of what I am now you know? I mean what my life is now has a lot to do with it, but somewhere I’m still me.”

“I didn’t mean that, well not entirely it’s just that I saw you outside in the rain earlier today and wondered if it was a wolf thing and then thought there’s no real way to know when all we care about is recognizing one and killing it. I also decided you were just an idiot when it came to rain.”

“Gee, thanks, I’m touched.”

"In the head, yeah.”

“I never knew you were funny.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay, witty then.” Remus raised his mug as if to make a toast. “Here’s to Severus Snape, world famous potion master and funny man.”

“You seem to be in high spirits are sure this is just hot chocolate?”

“Of course I’m in high spirits. Today I finally have a friend again, what could be better than that?”


	18. Of Dreams and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus contemplates the shift in his life and where Remus fits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning

CHP 18: Of Dreams and Nightmares

“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”-Isaac Newton

Severus lifted his mug as well, ‘I’m glad I’m here with him. I know I haven’t dealt properly with what has happened but having him around is nice.’ He shifted to better face Remus and noticed once more the amount of scarring that the other man carried. Clinking his mug to Remus’ he took a sip.

“You make a good cup of hot chocolate.”

“It’s instant.”

“A good pot of water then.”

“Severus?”

“Hmm?”

“I know you said you’d think about it and all and not to rush you but…”

“You wanted to know if I’d given any more thought to helping you get your cousin?” 

“Well, yes… I know it’s not great timing but the solicitor will be here this Monday for a preliminary meeting and I thought if you were to say yes you might want to be here for it.”

“This Monday?”

“Yes.”

“Remus, isn’t that the night before the full moon?”

“Yes, but I should be alright as long as you know I don’t get too emotional.”

“Hmm.” Severus had indeed thought about it. He had planned on talking to Remus about this matter this weekend already. He wondered now if anything had changed in his decision. “Well, I had and I knew what I wanted but then…”

“This weekend happened?” Remus spoke in an almost defeated sort of voice.

“Yes, this weekend happened and it hasn’t changed my mind a bit.”

“Oh…” Remus stared intently into his cup.

Contrary to his students’ belief he did not consider himself to be a cruel man. ‘If I was I would be savoring this moment. I have total control over his happiness right now.’ He held his mug up, “Here’s to Remus Lupin, soon to be new guardian.” Severus felt his heart warm as he saw the smile cross Remus’ face. Thankfully the man did not hug him again.

“Thank you Severus.”

“I’ll be there Monday as well. I’m quite curious about all this cloak and dagger concerning your cousin.”

“It does seem strange doesn’t, but I think some of it has to do with solicitors themselves.”

“They are in nature private types.”

“Yes, but what I meant was I looked them up in particular. It was created over 700 years ago and has only changed ownership once. Quite odd if you think about it.”

“Are you telling me they’re vampires?”

He blew some steam over his mug “I have no proof of it.”

“I didn’t think vampires were allowed to handle wizard cases.”

“They’re not, muggle cases either.”

“So the question is, are you the reason they can or is it your cousin?”

“Maybe both…”

Severus took another sip. This interesting turn of events was exactly what would get him through until he was back here Monday. ‘Whenever I need a distraction from what just happened I can consider this.’

Severus shifted to a more comfortable position on Remus’ bed. Looking it over he was once again struck by how balanced the room seemed. Equal parts light and dark, not too cramped but not too open either, ‘If I were to design a room I would definitely do something similar to this.’

The star light was washing in and out as clouds passed over and Severus watched as the shadows moved, swirling in a dance he felt a part of him long to join. Soon he drifted off into a troubled sleep.

***Begin Dream***

It was sunny out and a young boy stood in too baggy clothes looking longingly out at a larger boy who was devouring what looked like an extra-large banana split. Severus could feel the young boy’s yearning projecting off of him in waves. Taking a step closer the sound of twig snapping caused him to look down.

‘I never step on twigs.’ He looked up and saw the small boy was looking at him as if he had just popped out of nowhere. Anger and grief warred within Severus as he took in a miniature image of the late James Potter. ‘He looks just like him…except the eyes.’

The boy looked at him unflinchingly, with a small smile slowly growing. “Have you’ve come to take me home?”

“Take you home?”

The boy looked him still, “Yes. I always dreamed that one day you’d come and take me home.”

“Don’t you have a home?”

“Not really.”

Severus took a moment to process, “You dream that I, me in particular, come to take you home?”

“Well usually you bring a friend with lots of scars, and then you take me away from here.”

“Where do I take you?”

The boy looked at him, “Home.”

Severus shook his head, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” the boy turned back to the larger boy, “I always wake back in my cupboard anyways.”

Severus reached out to put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. He needed to comfort the child, but before he could reach him darkness fell.

He stood in a small room with peeling paint and coarse wooden floors. ‘I know this place. My old bedroom…’ With that realization the silence he had been standing in was broken by a pounding on the door. ‘Oh no, it’s dad.’ And although he was now a grown man he ran to his childhood bed and dropped to the floor attempting to hide beneath. 

The door slammed open and his father thudded in. “Oh no you don’t you little freak.” His father grabbed him by the ankle and dragged him out from his hiding spot.

“Please father, I… I…” He had no idea what he had done wrong. 

A hand came out of nowhere and caught him on the side of the head. “You good for nothing little freak. You’re only good for one thing now come here.” 

Severus felt himself being lifted into the air and then crashing down on his already dilapidated bed. For Severus everything went cold. ‘Not here please, not this.’ He thought desperately as his father crossed the room undoing his belt. 

Tears stung his eyes as the taste of his pillow filled his mouth. He closed his eyes tight but couldn’t make the awful feeling go away, he couldn’t shut his ears to the groan of the bed springs or clear his nose of the smell of cheap beer and sweat as his father overwhelmed all his senses. There was no pain like this. All he could do was pray for its end.

***End Dream***

Shaking, he shot awake. He took a deep steadying breath, feeling tears on his cheeks. It took him a moment to realize where he was. ‘This is Remus’ room. He’s upstairs still unless I woke him by making noises. I’m fine and that evil man is dead. So why does he still frighten me?’

He moved his feet to the floor, ‘I wish Remus was here to talk with. What a strange thought a week ago it would have never crossed my mind.’ He looked at the door, ‘Still, now that I have someone to talk with…’ He sat there not sure what to do, ‘I’m fine I don’t need him every time I’m upset. I don’t need to depend on him.’ But another voice in his head said, ‘So what about need you want him here. Are you ever going to face the fact that you can’t go through life alone?’ Sighing to himself he sat for a bit longer than laid back down and watched the stars.


	19. Just A Box Of Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus explores Gavin.

CHP 19: Just a Box of Rain

“Any truth is better than indefinite doubt”-Arthur Conan Doyle

The rain had given way to snow and Remus stared out into the light dusting that was slowly over taking the trees that he would soon be running in. The quiet that rarely bothered him was more profound now that Severus had returned to the school. It was heavy and deep and had he not believed that Severus would be returning the next day it would have overwhelmed him. Someday soon maybe he’d have his cousin to share his time with. He smiled at this.

‘I wonder what he’s like. I wonder how old he is… I hope he likes it here. I hope he likes me.’

Remus wasn’t too worried about the last bit, in general he had always been fairly good with kids. At school and when Harry had been a baby. ‘Too bad Harry is hidden somewhere on Dumbledore’s orders, maybe he and Binxley could have been friends.’

His thoughts wandered through many what ifs almost as if he were dreaming. Had anyone asked him what he was thinking he would not have been able to say exactly. That is until his thoughts once more drifted to Gavin. ‘I’m not sure if I even like him. I’m not sure if maybe I just want to like him so I can give up on Sev… I wonder if it would be too early to drop by. How soon is too soon?’

Without realizing it he had stood, and walked towards his room. ‘I’ll stop by see if I can get some answers.’ He got dressed and remembering that it had been snowing there he put on his warmest sweater before striding to his fire place in the kitchen. ‘Here goes nothing.’

In the blink of an eye he was being buffeted and bounced about until he found the grate leading to the leaky cauldron. “Ah Remus, my dear boy.” An unexpected yet familiar voice spoke as he emerged from the fireplace.

‘Seriously?’ He thought, ‘Of all the people he had to be here.’

“Headmaster, this is a surprise!” He walked over to the other man and shook his extended hand.

“Yes, it is indeed.” Remus attempted to hide the insides of his arms as the older man looked him over. “Unfortunately I must be off, but I expect an update soon on the project you and my potions master have been working on.”

“The project…. Oh yes, I’m afraid it’s still all theory. Lots of leg work to still be done.”

“That’s quite alright, I as you know am rather fond of a good theory.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find this most enjoyable then.”

“Excellent, well I must be off.” With that Dumbledore headed out into the muggle world leaving Remus a bit shaken but relieved all the same that he had made it through his first encounter with him since Remus had, ‘Well since the letter day.’ He looked over to the bartender. “Tom, a fire whiskey if you could.”

“Here you are lad.” Tom handed him his drink also looking him over. “So did you have a good time at the Hole then?”

“Oh yes, you were spot on about the music and environment.”

“Any luck then?”

“I don’t know yet… I’m headed there after this to find out.”

Tom smiled slightly and went to tend one of his other customers leaving Remus to his fire whiskey. ‘I hope it goes well. I really hope I don’t scare him off. I hope he’s there.’ Finishing his drink in one go he headed off before he lost his nerve.

The alleyway was almost exactly as he remembered it and for a moment he was drawn into the memory of Severus lying there half dead. He rushed out onto the walk and headed towards the bar, but once he got there he hesitated. ‘Should I go in? It seems a lot different in the day light. Maybe this was a bad idea…’ He was about to turn to go when he heard his name.  
“Remus, hey!” Gavin came striding up to him. “It is Remus right?”

“Yeah.” Remus couldn’t help but smile a little. “I was just checking the postings for upcoming shows.”

“Oh, that’s cool. I was hoping you’d come to say hi to me.”

Remus stood mouth gaping, he had never encountered anyone so forward. At least not directed at him. It was disarming but also kind of nice. ‘At least he’s not bothered by my showing up only two days later.’

“Keep that mouth open much longer and I might have to do something about it.” Gavin winked.

“I wasn’t sure… you know we only just met. I didn’t want to crowd you.” Remus looked at the windows to the bar. ‘Stop babbling for once in your life stop babbling.’ He thought vehemently to himself.

“Well if I didn’t like you it would totally have been too soon, but I don’t know I was watching you the other night and there’s something special there.”

“Really?”

Gavin shrugged, “I’m off do you want to grab a bite?”

“If you’re off why are you here?”

“Payday.”

“Sure, yeah. What’s good around here?”

“Around here,” Gavin gestured, “Not much, but come back to my place and I’ll make us something.”

Remus shifted a bit uncertain. “Um…”

“Oh come on now not every time I invite you somewhere means I want to jump your bones… I mean I do, but properly you know?”

“What?”

Sighing Gavin grabbed Remus’ hand, “Just come along. You’ll enjoy yourself. I promise.” 

So far his encounter with Gavin had left him thoroughly confused. All he knew now was he was headed in theory towards Gavin’s. They had as of so far made no lefts or rights but were about two blocks past Remus’ alley. Gavin looked back at the trailing Remus and smiled. 

Remus felt as if his heart had skipped a beat. ‘Merlin, he has a gorgeous smile.’ They took a left to a rather run down looking area which was saying something considering the street they had just left and Gavin came to a stop a few doors down. 

Soon the door was open and Remus found himself being lead upstairs and into a rather large studio. 

“Well here it is, my place. Let me give you a tour.” Gavin pointed towards a mattress on the floor, “That’s the bedroom and on the other side the kitchen/dining area and just past that the toilet.”

“It’s very…” Remus searched his head for something to say, “Well, it’s pretty bare actually. Not much of you in here.” He looked at the amused bartender. “Not that I know what you would look like furniture wise or anything it’s just…” He was babbling again but he couldn’t stop. “I mean to say it’s very… Clean?”

Gavin actually laughed at the last, and Remus felt his face flush. “Oh, dear me. That’s great. You are just too sweet for words, ‘what I would look furniture wise’ I swear Remus I am glad I met you.”

He wasn’t entirely sure if Gavin was having a laugh or not, and he felt the little balloon of hope start to fade. This was not going as he had hoped. ‘If only I could keep my tongue when I’m around someone I’m attracted to; at least this didn’t happen to me when I was in school. I can’t imagine what the others would have done.’

While he was trapped in his thoughts Gavin had moved towards the kitchen and was pulling food stuffs out of the fridge. “You okay with pasta?”

“What?” Remus only had vaguely been aware of being spoken to.

“Pasta, you like it?”

“Oh yeah totally.”

“Cool, it shouldn’t take long go ahead and grab a seat on the bed. I got some good albums if you want to listen to some music.”

Walking towards the bed Remus saw a record player and about 5 milk crates full of records, “Anyone you recommend?” He asked stopping to look at the collection.

“You like the Dead?”

“No idea.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Then you got to hear them.” Gavin walked over wiping his hands on a dish towel as he did. “The waters on to boil should only be about twenty minutes.” He leaned over plucked out a brown album cover on which Remus caught the words “American Beauty”. 

They both moved to sit at the edge of the bed. Soon the music was filling the small flat. Remus leaned back and closed his eyes letting the music take him where it would. It was a totally different speed and feel than Social Distortion, but still almost connected. The first song ended and he opened his eyes to find Gavin looking down at him smiling he quarked his eyebrow as if to ask his opinion.

“You’re right, they’re good. Not at all what I was expecting but brilliant.”

“Yeah.” Gavin got up and walked over to check on the food. “You’re amazing you know that?” He shouted from across the room.

“Um… No actually I’m not.”

Gavin crossed back over to him, “It’s nearly done, and yes you are.” He got on eye level with Remus. “I was watching you listen to that music, you just let it take you. And,” he gestured to Remus’ arms where his sleeves were now up around his elbows and his new scars visible, “you’ve obliviously been through some hard times. I look at you and I see hope.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to any of that. In truth he was starting to feel a bit awful. “Um…”

“Look I know what I said the other night, but I kind of lied. I do have an old lady in the sense that she’s my kid’s mom. We hooked up a few years back when I was trying to be straight.”

“You have a kid?”

“Yeah a girl. Look, I’m not saying I want a boyfriend or anything, but I wouldn’t mind seeing you, if you were up for it.”

Remus thought about this for a moment, “I’m not sure I want a boyfriend either… At least not you as my boyfriend anyways.” The last part slipped out.

“Oh, so you’ve got someone in mind for that role have you?” Gavin was still smiling.

Remus shrugged.

“It’s okay if you do.”

“It’s not like that, he’s a friend and straight.”

“How do you know?”

“What?”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t… I guess, but it’s… it’s not possible between us, okay?”

Gavin shrugged, smiled than gave Remus the softest, sweetest kiss he had ever had. Remus still had his eyes shut as Gavin went once more to check on the food. He laid back, ‘I think I could really like this guy if I don’t mess it up he might really like me too.’ Remus sighed.

“Food’s ready.” Gavin called and Remus stood and crossed the room. They sat stealing glances at each other as they ate. In the background Jerry Garcia sang about a box filled with rain and Remus finally understood what Gavin had meant by jumping his bones properly. Gavin it turned out for all his forwardness the other night was something of a romantic and wanted to take things slowly. Remus’ night only progressed so far as kissing and for that he was grateful.


	20. Unrequited Love and Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I've been slacking in the posting department. I offer nothing other than my sincerest apologies.

CHP 20: Unrequited Love and Tea

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts.”-C.S. Lewis

Professor Snape rubbed his temples in hopes that he could delay his headache until after he was done talking with the student that now stood before him. Sighing, he realized he would need his headache potion now. ‘Now which drawer did I leave that in…’ He reached into the bottom drawer and withdrew the correct vial and swallowed it in one go feeling the effects immediately. “Now Mr. Weasley, would you care to offer up an excuse as to why Mr. Parkinson’s cauldron blew up today in class or would you just like to take your punishment?” Severus knew Bill Weasley being a Griffyndor would have something to say. How he loathed that Dumbledore insisted on pairing at least two of the years of 1st-5th years Griffyndor/Syltherin. 

“Sir, I would never have thrown porcupine quills into Basil’s potion. Are the other students going to be alright?”

He had expected more of an excuse, but was relieved that there wasn’t. “I know it wasn’t you who placed them in the potion, but they were your quills and this is the 4th time since the start of term that you have failed to keep control over your ingredients and it seems we shall have to take another route so that you do not repeat this.”

“Yes, sir.” Bill looked down in a somewhat defeated stance.

“I am going to write your parents and tell them that they are not to send you anymore potion supplies, from now on, you are to earn them by doing various tasks for me. Perhaps that way you’ll keep better track of them.” He saw Bill quickly look up. “You will do things like supervise the 1st years that receive detention from me and help with the harvesting of certain items.”

“Yes sir.”

“Also, for today’s particular incident I am assigning you an essay. It is to be at least a foot comparing and contrasting the use of potions and spells in the medical field.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Mr. Weasley?”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Take a basic mending spell, and Dittany. Both are effective on cuts, but mending spells don’t kill infections and Dittany only heals so much. Understand?”

“I believe so, when is this due?”

“I expect to see an outline by Friday, and I shall return it with notes by Monday and a final revision that following Friday.”

Bill looked up waiting.

“Is there anything else?”

“The other students, sir, will they be alright?”

“Yes. A few will be in hospital wing I dare say for the rest of the week but they should make a full recovery.”

“Good, and thanks, sir.”

He knew what he was being thanked for, he knew the Weasley family while pure blood were not a rich wizarding family and that part of the reason Bill did so poorly in class was his fear messing up his potions and having to use extra ingredients to fix it. With Bill more or less working for these things he might relax and do better; Bill had a real potential to make NEWT level potions. He also knew what it was like to not have a lot of money and having to use second hand things. “No need to thank me, you would have found out from your classmates about the others if not me. You may go.”

‘Mondays should never include double potions with Griffyndor/Syltherin. Or double anything with that class combination.’ Severus looked to his pocket watch and saw that he had a little time before he needed to head out, but any excuse to say an early goodbye to this day was welcome. ‘I wonder what I should wear to this meeting… The last time I met with a solicitor I had just found out Tobias had died. Beaten and left for dead in alley.’ 

He looked through his wardrobe trying to decide what was right, jeans were a definite no…Frustrated he realized that he was acting something like one of the teenage girls that constantly fretted over their appearance rather than paying attention to their potions. ‘This is ridiculous.’ Finally he decided on his pinstripe slacks (the only pair of slacks he owned) and vest with dark green lining and matching tie. He stuck with his old combat boots though, too much pomp made him feel queasy and was reserved for times such as court appearances and funerals. 

Taking a quick glance in the mirror to ensure his tie was straight he headed back into his office gathering the last of the items he felt he might need. Sitting on his desk, he noticed something that had not been there prior to his wardrobe anxiety disaster, a muggle letter with a note attached. The note written in a hand he recognized to be Professor McGonagall’s, “This was forwarded to you from Tom at the leaky cauldron, I collected it so that it might avoid further scrutiny.” He smiled, ‘She always has been very kind to me. I must remember to thank her for keeping this from Dumbledore’s eyes.’ Turning his attention to the letter he saw that it had traveled from London, to London to here. Apparently Mr. Ness had thought to write him before the band’s departure to Germany. ‘You I’m going to save for later. I need to leave here before something else happens.’

In a flash of green flames, Professor Snape left Hogwarts and a few bumps and spins later he was standing in Remus’ fireplace. It was the first time he had arrived in this manner since the day he had found Remus near death sitting in a chair and for a moment the memory choked him. ‘If Dumbledore hadn’t sent me that day, if I had been a few minutes later…’ He clenched his jaw. ‘It had been so close. I don’t know where’d I’d be if he was gone. I guess I really can’t live alone.’

“Severus, you planning on staying in there all night?”

“No, just caught a little soot in my lungs.”

“So standing in the fire is making it better?”

Severus stepped from the fireplace, “Yes, don’t you know heat just burns it right out?”

Remus smiled. Severus found he really liked it when he was able to make this man smile. “See now you are trying to be funny.”

“I’ve told you before Lupin, I’m not funny.”

He was treated to an eye roll, “Right I forgot, you’re Mr. Stiff upper lip, all staunch and smugness.”

Ignoring this, “Am I too early?”

“Depends on your definition of early, but we have time for tea if you’d like.”

“Yes, it’s been a long day.”

“Tell me about it while we wait?”

“Not much to tell; cauldrons explode, toxic fumes and darts, students sent to hospital wing.”

“Let me guess, Slytherin/Griffyndor class?”

Nodding Severus replied, “Double, 4th years.”

“Ahh.” Remus handed over a cup to Severus. 

“Thanks.”

Severus watched Remus fidget, ‘Wonder if this is going to be too much for him this night?’

“I have news too.”

“Really? About this?”

“No… I just… I think… I’m…”

“You’re babbling.”

“Sorry, but I’m just so excited.”

“Excited, but not about this?”

“I’m excited about this but… something else too.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t you want to know what it is?”

Severus shrugged. This was mildly entertaining considering the day he had. 

“I went and saw Gavin, the someone I like… And well, I think he and I might have something. Not a forever but…”

Severus felt a real smile cross his face, ‘This could be a good thing. He deserves some happiness and someone to love at least once in his life.’ 

“Do you think it’s a good thing?... Severus, hello Severus.” He blinked as Remus waved his hand in front of his face.

“Yes, sorry just thinking… I can’t remember you ever seeming to be with anyone at school except… Were you and Sirius-?”

“Oh, no. I didn’t know back then that I was you know… gay. Or if I did it was buried deep down deep under everything else. You were the first person I ever told well the first person I ever said the words ‘I’m gay’ to, maybe about two weeks after I figured it out.”

“Wow, Remus… I didn’t know.” Severus frowned at his tea, ‘Not that I would have had any right to know, but wow I was the first person he told…’ Then he processed the rest of what Remus had said ‘…about two weeks prior was around the time that…’ He looked up, “Remus that wasn’t part of the reason you did what you did was it?”

“No… I realized that sort of during and after.” He saw Remus wince.

Remembering Remus had mentioned seeing James Potter in the ‘Place Between’, “You fancied Potter in school but just didn’t realize it didn’t you?”

Remus winced again, “Afraid so.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. Seeing Remus looking utterly bewildered, “It seems my fate in life to be around those who love James Potter. I guess I’m just going to have to accept it. I mean there could be worse things, you could fancy Lucius.”

“So you got jokes?” Remus smiled and lifted his mug in mock salute.

Finally a knock sounded and both Remus and Severus walked out the door. “He’ll be at the edge of the property.”  
“Interesting defensive magic?” 

“It’s meant to keep me in, actually.” Remus looked over to him.

“Well I guess that means he’s other than wizard being?”


	21. Cloaked Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting with the solicitor has some strange results.

CHP 21: Cloaked Beginnings

“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.”-Maya Angelou

After Mr. Baxter was escorted through the barrier, they headed back towards the house and Remus felt his nerves fraying. He wasn’t sure but he had the idea that this new person was the cause not because of why he was there but because of who he was. He looked over to Severus trying to catch his eye to see what his opinion of this Mr. Baxter was and stumbled as he took in Severus’ appearance. ‘He cleans up really well, not over done but nice sleek lines… Stop!’

“Are you alright Mr. Lupin?” The solicitor asked having seen Remus stumble.

“Fine, fine just a bit tired.”

“Ahh, yes I was pleased that you could see me tonight as it’s so close to the full moon.”

Both Remus and Severus stopped short in the clearing.

“So you know then? About my… condition?”

“Oh yes, it was mentioned in the will your cousin left.” Mr. Baxter looked around his eyes catching a garden table, “I think it might be best that we sit out here so as to not add too much stress to this meeting.”

Remus looked over at the table he wondered about what he meant by stress. He only turned back when he heard Severus speak, “I think that’s a great idea. There aren’t too many nights left in this year where enjoying the outside would be wise… Although, I believe I’m speaking as the only non-altered human aren’t I?”

Mr. Baxter smiled, “So you have figured me out then?”

“I was curious… I looked up the business. I saw that it had only changed hands once and originally hailed from Romania.” Remus shrugged. “Anyways shall we?” He gestured towards the table and started towards it.

They settled themselves at the table Remus and Severus side by side facing Mr. Baxter. Remus was doing his best not to fidget, but he couldn’t seem to relax. Severus looked at him with a quarked eyebrow, and seeing that Mr. Baxter was busy with his briefcase he mouthed, “Are you okay?”

Remus could only shrugged as he thought, ‘Something is off with me tonight… I mean is it just nerves? Please let it just be nerves.’

Mr. Baxter set some papers on the table and looked up at Remus. “Now Mr. Lupin, Mr. Snape, this is just a preliminary meeting. If you choose to petition for custody these forms will need be signed and routed through the system. All the issues you might believe there might be with you being guardian have already been addressed and there will be no issues on that end. That being said, we need to discuss Binxley.”

“Is there something wrong with him… Is he like you…No offense.” Remus was bouncing his leg. Then out of nowhere he felt a light pressure on his leg; he looked down and saw Severus had placed his hand there. He shot the man a look and saw he was looking at the lawyer although when he looked up he saw that Severus just slightly shake his head. ‘He’s telling me to calm down. Not to get too wound up. How can I do that with his hand there? Of course he doesn’t know… Oh right the lawyer.’ He turned his head back to Mr. Baxter.

“In short I’d say he’s like us and until both of you sign this top paper I cannot reveal more.” He slid a piece of paper towards the two. “It’s a binding magical document by signing it you are agreeing that you will not divulge any information I am about to tell you in regards to Binxley.”

Both men looked over the document, Remus removed his wand and waved it while muttering then shrugged. Looking up he saw Severus staring at him again and he blushed. ‘I like Gavin. Gavin likes me. Severus is my friend. Severus is off limits… but he’s so wonderful to me sitting here helping do this…’

Severus spoke, “Is it good then?”

Remus frowned, “It is what he says it is. I’m signing… If you want to back out you can. I know you like to consider things first.”

Remus’ heart flooded with gratitude as Severus took the quill off the table and signed the document. “If you say it’s alright. I trust you.” He handed the quill over.  
Remus hastened to sign, trying his best to hide his smile. ‘He trusts me!?! Oh thank Merlin!’

The signing completed it seemed Mr. Baxter felt free to speak again. “Now your cousin who passed was actually your 8th cousin. Well to be more accurate you were her 8th cousin. She was your great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s first cousin.”

“Oh… Wait what? That would have made her over 200 years old!” Remus looked at Severus to see his reaction.

“So is he an other as well?” Severus asked.

Nodding Mr. Baxter continued, “You could say that. My law firm has been handling the legal affairs of this line of your family since their transition into other. As I am sure you would figure out on your own. They were not, like you, werewolves. Even if they weren’t hunted life expectancies are low due to the way purer humans treat them.” He glanced over at Severus. “Present company excluded.”

“When you say your firm has been handling their affairs since they transitioned what do you mean?” Remus leaned forward.

“No one on the outside knows the truth behind a certain phenomena that has been occurring since the gothic era.”

Now Severus spoke. “He’s a gargoyle?”

“So you know a little about them do you?”

“Just what I read once which wasn’t much. However, I do recall it said they were classified as neither beast or being.”

“As you see no one really knows. Not even my firm it’s all very hush hush kept within the families. Which is why the form.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a flask and took a sip.  
Remus felt as if his hackles had raised although at the moment he had no hackles. “Sorry, I wasn’t prepared to be sitting with an actual human… Anyways, in the case of Binxley he currently appears to be anywhere between 50-75 years old. Which I know seems old but from all that I’ve seen that puts him at about 8 or 9 in human years. Gargoyles age slow, and until they die are able to take human form. Even when they die they leave an echo; thus the protective qualities the so called statues have.”

“So the ones at the school are like ghosts?”

“Not exactly no, they can die completely as is the case of your cousin, Mr. Lupin. They also can go into a hibernating like state or partial death if they have bonded with something that outlasts them. Which is what the ones in Hogwarts likely are. If Hogwarts were destroyed they would die completely. Gargoyles are also capable of bonding to people, if they do they enter adulthood earlier… I think. They would also stay with the person after death, which is why you see them in graveyards.”

“Mr. Baxter this is a lot to take in, is this why you were worried Remus wouldn’t want to take him on?”

“Partially, also as he is a wizard which about half of all Gargoyles are. He will need formal training and will have magical accidents until he is old enough to control it.”

“And because he’ll age slower that could be years?”

“Yes Mr. Lupin, now I should be heading back so I can turn in for the day. You can contact us with any questions you have and let us know when you make a decision.” He stood to leave.

“Wait, no I want him. I’m more than ready to take him.”

Smiling, “I had hoped you would. Just fill out this paperwork where I’ve marked. Once you and your guardian have done that send us an owl and I will return to notarize the final signatures. I would advise you attempt to complete this within the week so we can get it through the courts prior to the Christmas holiday.”

“Do you think I’ll get him before Christmas?”

“Sadly no, it takes at least three months and we’ve streamed lined a great deal already, but because he is what he is he’ll have to spend a month in quarantine before his first trip here. Then he’ll have 3 visits with you so he can get to know you and you him. Then as long as that goes well which will take a couple of weeks he can move here to live permanently.”  
“Will they conduct a background check and such?”

“Like I said your side is good to go already Mr. Lupin, we don’t look into your named future guardian just that you have one named.”

“So it’s really okay that I’m a werewolf?”

“Yes Mr. Lupin, he’s been in my firm’s care for the past month and we are by far worse candidates than even you when it comes to normal people’s perceptions. It may surprise you but compared to a vampire you are ideal.” He said this in good humor and Remus smiled, ‘He doesn’t resent that for one moment. He just accepts that’s the way things are. Of course he’ll likely outlive us all.’

“Just one more thing…” Remus hesitated to speak but he didn’t want anything to be messed up, “Will it matter if I’m well you see… If I’m gay?”

At this Mr. Baxter chuckled walked around the table stooped so that his mouth was against Remus’ ear, “Only if you’re asking me out.” He then stood smiled and said in a louder voice, “I’ll see myself out then. You two have a lovely rest of your night.” Then he was gone.

“What did he say to you?”

“It only mattered if I was asking him out…”

“So no then, well that’s good.”

“Right… I think I need to lay down… It’s strange but his energy really effected me.”

“I noticed… I planned on recording that and also it you’re up for it on one of your next cycles seeing if it was just him or all vampires.”


	22. One Last Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus returns early to Hogwarts, and has some insightful dreams

CHP 22: One Last Kiss

“Between hello and goodbye is I love you.”-Jarod Kintz

They had said their goodnights a short while later and Severus found himself unexpectedly early in his return to school. Neither, it seemed, was up for much talking as they were both still processing all the information they had been given. ‘I wonder if I could ask McGonagall if she knows much about Gargoyles. If she asks I’ll say one has recently showed up at the Prince manor… Assuming that doesn’t violate the contract I signed.’

He was in the process of getting undressed when he remembered the letter. Summoning it, he sat at the edge of his bed and smiled, ‘I wonder why he wrote me so soon after seeing me. Maybe he wanted offer me another roadie stint. I’d think about it if I didn’t have all these responsibilities.’ 

The world spun on the moments that change lives that go unnoticed, this time however, the receiver was more prepared. He opened the letter holding his breath as he undid the folds. A picture fluttered to the ground and distractedly he picked it up. Severus smiled again, ‘I remember this day. It was after a particularly long gig most of the guys had headed off to party except Mike and Denny.’ He looked at how happy all three of them looked. ‘That diner we found was great and the waitress kept flirting with Denny. He lapped it up. Mike asked her to take a picture of the three of us. A little while later Denny left with the waitress and it was just me and Mike left to wander the streets. It was so cool such a great night.’

Tearing his eyes away from the picture he turned to the letter.

Dear Savvy,  
I thought you might like this picture. I’ve carried it around with me ever since. We look like a bunch of goofy kids a little tired and care worn but still ready to take on the world. Funny how much changes when you make bad choices.  
It was great to see you again earlier and I hope soon we can catch up better.  
It’s been too long Savvy. I’ve been trying to keep steady but shortly after you left I got hooked on some stuff that’s really taking it out of me. I did my best to get better went to rehab a few times. Denny’s been by my side supporting me. Him and this picture of us before it all went bad has helped get me through.  
I want you to have it now.  
That stuff I was doing, well it’s got a strong hold on me but seeing you I knew if after all the bad things in your life didn’t turn you to a junkie then I can make it too. If I can’t then I don’t deserve to be your friend.   
This past silence is both our faults but I’m asking that we try and remedy that. If the band starts going again big than I’m gonna need all the help I can to stay steady. I hope it’s not asking too much of you to be that guy who will pull my head out of my back end when I need it.  
Anyways, I gotta go to catch the plane. I’ll write again soon.  
Mike

Severus looked at the letter as if more might be there but it was the same words. They were enough but also worried him. He looked back at the picture then without really thinking about it he turned it over. In the lower right hand corner he saw a heart and a date. ‘I wonder if that’s his sober date? No that’s way before. That’s around the time I was with them. I wonder if Denny fell for the waitress… She was very pretty if I remember correctly but it was a strange time… Maybe it was the date the picture was taken. If that was right what does the heart mean? Mike what are you trying to tell me?’

Thoroughly tired from the day he took off his pants and crawled under his covers ready for a goodnight’s sleep. He looked up at his ceiling, ‘I miss Remus’ room it was way better than this. I’ll have to look into modifying this someday.’ He shifted trying to get comfortable and finally fell into a fitful sleep.

***

Once again he was standing in an overly sunny day this time in a very neat, very organized backyard. It was too perfect and too clean… Just then the backdoor open and a horsey looking lady was dragging that same little boy from the house. 

“I don’t know how it happened, I swear Aunt Petunia. It just happened like magic!”

Severus saw the boy wince as if he immediately regretted saying whatever it was that had set her off even more. 

“Listen here you little freak, you are not to use that word and if I find out you’ve hurt Dudley you won’t eat for a month.” She then threw him across the yard where he landed in a crumple. The next moment the door slammed shut.

The boy laid there crying. Not loudly but as it was the only sound it was hard to miss. Severus crossed over to the little boy and leaned down. As if sensing the other’s presence the boy turned and faced him. ‘Those eyes…’

“You came back.”

“I guess but I don’t know how I got here.”

“So you still don’t know how to take me home yet.”

“I wish I did… but right now I don’t even have a home right now to take you.”

“Before you were always with someone else maybe he can help you.”

They were sitting side by side now and Severus draped his arm over the boy. It seemed as natural as breathing. “You’re Harry Potter aren’t you?”

The child snuggled into Severus’ side more. “Yes.”

“Can you tell me why it’s me that takes you home?”

Harry shrugged. 

He kissed the top of his head. “I’ll try to figure this out.”

***

Waking up Severus felt tears on his face and knew it was because he felt a connection to the boy who appeared to be doomed to the same crap life he had lived. He sat up and noticed he was covered in sweat and decided since he was up he would take a shower. Once there he felt it only natural to let the breakdown that had been trying to break through for days come out. Once he started crying he found he didn’t even wish to stop he just slid down to a semi-sitting position. 

The shower had long gone cold but he didn’t notice, a bomb could have gone off and he wouldn’t have noticed. For Severus Snape the only thing that existed in the world was the terror he had lived through. It was a dark place this world Severus had wandered into but then suddenly he felt arms wrapped around him and a voice telling him it was okay.

“Why did you leave me?”

“I had to Sev… You know how our world was we couldn’t be in a relationship together.”

“But why did you have to go and get married.”

“I had to do what was best for the child.”

“You were together before you got married?”

“No Sev, I was never together with anyone but you.”

Severus jerked, “We were never like that!”

“Sev don’t you remember?”

“No… I… I don’t… why can’t I remember anything of us?”

“You had to lock those memories away. You did a spell, but you didn’t tell any of us what it was so no one could break it. Then you had me do a spell so you wouldn’t remember doing it. You said it would break when… when it was time. I just didn’t know you had locked everything up.”

“Please don’t leave me again.”

“I can’t stay. You need to let go a little and start living again.” He felt a kiss on his check and he turned to face his long lost love. “Please for me, for what we could have had if the world had been different.”

Severus nodded, their eyes locked and he leaned in for what he knew would be a last kiss. Tingles shot all over his body and he felt alive again. ‘I never want this to end. It was such an awful world that took this life… this light away.’

“You’ll be okay. I’m really glad that you and Moony are friends. He needs one.”

Severus was smiling, “I don’t know he’s found himself a boyfriend. Might not need me at all.” 

Laughter sounded and then he was alone in the shower again, but better. Nothing had changed but it was better now. ‘I wonder how I get my memories back. There is not enough time in the day for all this. I need to go back to bed. At least I don’t have a headache from fighting back tears anymore.’ 

It was early morning when he woke again for a brief moment. ‘Oh Merlin, I think I just found out Harry is mine.’ But the spell, whatever it was, took that thought those connections away from him. He fell back asleep no longer able to remember he was Harry’s dad. Only barely able to remember what had happened in the shower other than his crying.

When he finally did wake he found he was clutching the photo Mike had sent him. He looked longingly at the faces staring back at him. ‘I miss that time. It was the first time in so long I had been happy. I thought I could be happy walking away from this world, but at the end of the tour I knew I needed to return here to face my accusers and prove them wrong. I just didn’t realize how isolated I’d feel until Remus. It’s amazing I have two friends when I hadn’t thought I had any.’


	23. By The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus recovers from a full moon with a few unexpected events

CHP 23: By the Stars

“Sometimes while gazing at the night’s sky, I imagine stars looking down making wishes on the brightest of us.”-Richelle E. Goodrich

His body ached all over, it had been a rough full moon cycle. Bed was the only option for him currently and he snuggled in deeper to his covers and inhaled the scent of Severus. There was something very comforting about feeling as if he were being held by him. ‘I still can’t get him out of my head. I must love him...’

He grabbed the log book off his night stand and opened it to a fresh page. He and Severus had agreed it was best for him to record how he felt both physically and mentally as soon as possible after his transformation. Today’s entry would be very long in the physical department. ‘I have half a mind to write I love Severus and feel calmed by thinking about him after I wake up disoriented in the woods.’

He spent about thirty minutes describing physical things he noticed and his thoughts about them. He also mentioned that he thought perhaps the difficulty with this cycle had to do with the introduction of new stressors and a new person in his life that perhaps his wolf’s curse identified as a possible predator. With that done he moved on to the stack of papers the so-called predator had left.

Frowning he ran through his mind what Mr. Baxter had whispered in his ear. “Only if you’re asking me out.” ‘What did he mean by that? Other than the obvious which is my being gay won’t interfere with adopting Binxley. Maybe he was having a laugh after all he was probably pretty strained from this encounter as well.’

Fatigue was making his eyes droop and the paperwork wasn’t helping. The snow was falling and he looked out to the woods. ‘Something deep inside me wants to be out there even now as I lay here trying to recover.’ He frowned, ‘I can’t remember if I liked it before I changed. I remember I liked the stars and the cool grass between my toes. The breeze…’ He grabbed the log book.

I want to run free in the woods to be a part of the cycle of life that exists out there. I feel as if they call to me enticing me to shed this mortal life and mortal concerns to join in with them in. The worst part is I don’t know if it’s me or the curse. All I know is I wanted the stars and sea before all of this. I used to breathe deep of the ocean air and know I was home; taste the salt and want nothing more than to stay in those moments forever. Sev did I lose myself?

He muttered a loud, “James can you give me a little help here? Am I supposed to love Severus from a far? Is Gavin the right choice for me? Can I just have a wet dream about you and transfer my love to you; it’d be a lot easier.”

An owl pecking at the window interrupted his desperate pleas. He opened the window and let it in. The owl left the letter than perched on a chair. ‘Must be waiting for me to send a reply.’ He looked at the letter it had dropped in his lap and was relieved to see it was normal wizarding post.

Opening it he recognized Tom’s writing. Remus, a man named Gavin rung you here and asked if you were free this Friday to come by his place around seven he said he’d call back later to see what your reply was.”  
He turned over the note and hastily wrote “Yes.” The owl knowing he was needed flew back over and stuck out his leg. Remus attached the letter and leaned back as the owl flew out of sight. ‘I have a date tomorrow night with Gavin.’ He had told Gavin that the best way to get a hold of him was to call the pub and ask for Tom. Tom was the only wizard he could think of who had a working phone. Feeling a bit better, perhaps lifted by the idea of having a date, Remus stood.

There was an ordering catalog for children’s items sitting in the living room that Remus picked up. ‘I want to start getting a room ready for Binxley. I wish I knew more about him. I wonder what he likes…’ Turning the pages, ‘I at least need to get him bedroom items… Mr. Baxter said he was in human years about 8 I wonder if that means he’s about the size of an 8 year old?’

He headed up to the third floor which was divided into four rooms. One used to be the library until Remus had migrated the majority of the collection to his bedroom, another he used for his experimental spells an ultimate safe space in its way, and the other two stood mostly vacant having never been used. ‘I have it in my head that he’d like to be high up like most gargoyle statues I see. I think he’d like the old library…’

Walking into the somewhat well lit room, he noted the amount of dust build up that he would have to clean, but it was the high ceilings with bare rafters that made him think this to be the best choice. The full length windows also made it a lovely place to be during the day time. ‘Yes here will be good for him… plenty of sunlight, good air circulation.’ That decided he set to cleaning the room so that when he finally did get furniture and toys and such; the room would be ready.’ 

The hours flew by as he stacked the remainder of the books he had left up there and took the old shabby furniture to one of the other rooms. Sweat glistened on his brow and his already tired muscles felt like wet noodles by the time he felt ready to call it a day. Heading down the stairs he heard a woosh in his fire place. Stopping suddenly he took out his wand and listened. Slowly he descended the remainder of stairs. Lowering his wand when he saw it was merely a fire call.

‘Tom!”

“Hey Remus, I just wanted to let you know that young man called again. He asked me to deliver a message asking you to come by a bit earlier.”

“Oh, okay… Why didn’t you just send an owl.”

“I had just sent it out to do something else; it’s not like I’m normally playing messenger.”

“Yeah, sorry about that I didn’t know anyone else who had a phone…”

“Quite alright. As long as it don’t happen too much. If you’re serious about him you might consider working part time for me so you’d actually be there when he called.”

“Really?”

“Why not, the ministry don’t regulate me and who I hire as long as I don’t name you as part owner or something they look the other way.”

“That’d be great I could use the work.”

“Minimum wage and you can start Sunday morning.”

“I’ll see you then and if Gavin calls back tell him I’ll be there around 5.”

“Right, goodnight.”

“Goodnight Tom, and thanks.”

Remus watched as Tom’s head disappeared to be replaced by flickering flames. ‘Now I have a date and a job.’ Not that he actually needed the money, the shampoo line his mom had created brought in decent money; he just never had felt the need to spend it. Of course now things were changing and he would soon have a reason, Binxley.

The rest of the night was a quiet peaceful one which Remus was wise enough to appreciate as he knew that there wouldn’t be too many more of them once his cousin moved in. ‘I wonder if he’ll like England. I really have no idea what kids do these days or eat… Maybe I should ask Gavin about it when I see him. He said he had a little girl. I won’t ask him if he’d like to set up playdate with them cuz I really don’t know what he’ll look like… He might be suitable for muggle eyes. I guess I could glamor him so he looked normal, but… For now a few suggestions will be more than enough.’ He smiled to himself, he still loved Sev, would go to him in a heartbeat if Severus wanted him, but he was really happy to have Gavin in his life. It was nice to have people in his life who wanted to spend time with him. ‘I think this is what I’ve been waiting for since the war ended. A life, thanks James I know you had a hand in this.’


	24. A Helping Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus grades papers, starts making Christmas plans, and interacts with a new professor.
> 
> Sorry Flitwick fans, he's been replaced for this story, at least for this part.

CHP 24: A Helping Hand

“Follow your deepest dream, the one you had as a kid…but stay focused.”-Donal Logue

The papers that had been cluttering his desk were now stacked into proper piles. The pile Severus was working on at the moment was for his NEWT level potions classes; he had found himself pleasantly surprised by the quality of these papers and was pleased to see that for the most part these students were taking the lessons seriously. ‘Even if none of them do plan on working in the field.’ 

As with most children of war, he saw in this generation, a desire to follow the examples set by their parents or older siblings. Those who made the NEWT cut wanted to become Aurors or work in law enforcement with few exceptions one being a Ravenclaw girl who was here so she might become a healer. His Slytherin’s had not seemed all that amped to become any of those things so it was only one in each year in this class. 

Finished with the paper currently in his hands he graded it and picked up the next. He was pleased that this looked like it was going to be a somewhat quiet weekend. He didn’t always enjoy his duty weekends at the school, but he was going to make good use out of the time provided the students didn’t get too crazy. ‘Thank Merlin it’s almost Christmas holiday. Most kids are trying to not get in trouble right before break… And at least this holiday I don’t have to stay at the school.’ 

Shifting he settled into a comfortable position and began with the paper he had just picked up. His face became set in a frown, the Ravenclaw, who had started out so well this year and in the past years always gotten top marks, had turned in perhaps the worst paper he’d seen this term. This was completely out of character for Ms. Beyurn. ‘I’ll have to keep an eye on her, perhaps she just let this slide or she has become overwhelmed by all the requirements this year has placed on her. For now I’ll speak with her head of house and assign her a few remedial potion classes until the end of term. Hopefully that gets her back on track.’ 

Placing Ms. Beyurn’s paper into a different pile, he looked into the fire frowning deeply. Remus had sent an owl saying that the paperwork had been sent off this morning but had mentioned nothing of his recent transformation. So all he had was what had been written in the log book of which he had the twin. Whenever something was written in either one it showed up in the other. ‘I’m worried about Remus’ state of mind at least on those days. Oh well there’s no use in over thinking it now. I have plenty of papers to numb my mind.’

He sat late into the night finishing up the grades until finally the stacks stood as such: 1st -4th years, 5th years, NEWT, and papers so horrible that a talk with the student and their head of house was needed. The last pile was not as highly stacked as he normally might have expected, but then 2nd and 3rd years did not have papers this week unless it had been for detention or extra credit.

A crack sounded and Tulipa stood before him, “Begging your pardon Master Severus, but Tulipa’s parents have contacted her and asked whether the master would be coming home to the manor for the holidays.”

“I do not know yet Tulipa, it is still a few weeks away when would they like an answer by?”

“Theys not saying that sir, just wanted to know iffin they should be getting the house ready.”

“Well, you know what, I think that sounds great. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there.”

Tulipa smiled widely at him, then asked, “Will the master be inviting anyone over?”

“Inviting anyone?”

“Yes Master,” Tulipa wrung her hand, “perhaps Master Lupin would enjoy the company?”

Spending Christmas with Remus had not crossed his mind, but now that the idea was in his head, “Why not, yes I shall send him an invitation tomorrow. It is far too late for such frivolous post now.”

“Yes Master Severus, Tulipa will make up the invitation and leave it for your signature here with your breakfast.”

“Thank you Tulipa, and tell your parents I look forward to seeing them again and they have no need to make a big fuss I can do a lot of it once I arrive.”

She smiled, “Tulipa will pass on the message.” She bowed and disappeared.

Leaning into one of his many drawers, Severus pulled out a fresh piece of parchment, ‘Now that I am inviting Remus I should come up with some gift ideas… I wonder aside from books what he’d like.’ He looked down at the parchment a slight frown creasing his brow. It had been years since he last thought to give a gift to anyone in a serious manner and he found that while he knew the werewolf he didn’t really know him. ‘Huh, I don’t think cookware would be advisable, nor would a subscription to the post…’ Sighing he looked up and saw the clock sitting on his mantle. ‘I didn’t realize how late it is, perhaps a good night’s sleep would help with this. Maybe I could ask Professor McGonagall, she knew him better when we were at school.’

Morning broke and with it a well rested Severus looked to see Tulipa had come and gone already leaving as promised and invitation for Remus and breakfast. The oatmeal tasted wonderful sweetened with maple syrup and some fresh fruit. Feeling better than he had all week he set out to post the invitation and have a talk with some head of houses. The halls were fairly quiet as most students while likely up chose to spend non Hodgesmead/early qudditich weekends lazing about in their respective common rooms.

Checking the staff room first he found Professor Donal Lodue the current Ravenclaw head of house. Severus had yet to decide how he felt about him as the man was on exchange from one of the few American schools and had only showed up at the start of term. He was a bit chatty, but in an almost charming way. Like or dislike aside at least he’d found one of the people he was looking for.

“Ah, Professor I was hoping to find you. I wanted to speak with you about one of your 6th years.”

Professor Lodue looked at him smiling with bright eyes, “Well I’ve got time now.”

Entering the room fully, Severus took a seat across from Donal. “I was grading one of your students’ papers and found it to be beyond abysmal, especially from that author. I will of course be assigning her make up work and additional potion lessons as I do with all students who show this kind lack of effort. She will have to do the make of work if she hopes to stay in advanced potions let alone pass.”

“Well, that sounds reasonable. I know I’ve heard a lot of grumbling about your punishment methods but…” Here Professor Lodue shrugged, “I guess I just don’t see it the same. Maybe it’s because I nearly lost my twin sister to a poorly conducted potions’ experiment that I respect the need for seriousness in at least this aspect of magic.”

Severus was not at all sure what to say to that, it was rare to have someone openly agree with his methods for correction, but then part of that probably had to deal with his past… “Normally that would be all, however as I stated normally this student is very nearly if not at the top of this class. She has a real gift for what she wants, but I wonder if there is something going on to cause such a… distraction.”

“And you want me to check up on her?”

“As you’re her head of house I’d think that’d be a good idea.”

“Would you have asked this of a different head of house?”

“Depends on the student… and the head…” He thinks I’m trying to tell him what to do. “I just don’t want her to lose all she’s worked for because she doesn’t know who to ask for help.”

“I see, well could you at least point out who it is you want me to check up on.” Professor Lodue smiled again.

“That would be Ms. Beyurn. I can call you in when I speak with her if you like.” Severus looked at this other Professor who seemed to be about his age as well. ‘He’s one of those people who are just happy for no reason.’

“Thanks that would be great. I’m awesome with faces.” He stuck his hand out and rotated it from side to side. “When it comes to names, I need a crib sheet.”

“Crib sheet?”

“Cheat sheet.”

“Right. Well I’m off to patrol, have a good Saturday.”

He stood to leave and saw that Professor Lodue had also stood. ‘This is a bit odd.’ Both men headed for the door, Severus holding tightly to his wand not wanting to be caught off guard. As they reached the door, Professor Lodue grabbed the handle and opened it for Severus. ‘Okay so he was being polite, but still very odd, very very odd. I still don’t know if I like him or not.’


	25. Heartbreak Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finds himself at a party.

CHP 25: Heartbreak Party

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”-Mineko Iwasaki

Remus showed up at Gavin’s just a little past 5 and rang his bell. He was nervous but excited all at the same time, and couldn’t stop a smile spreading across his face when the man came bounding down the stairs. ‘I really like Gavin, he’s been great to me.’

Gavin opened the door, “Remus so glad you made it.” He pulled Remus into the stairwell and planted a kiss on him that could wake the dead. Remus placed his hands on Gavin’s hips and leaned in closer deepening the kiss. 

Finally pulling away Remus stared into the other man’s eyes, “Sorry if I’m a bit late.”

“Oh nonsense, come on up I thought we’d have a bite before we go out.”

They started walking up the stairs to Gavin’s flat. “Where we going?”

“Just a party my mates are throwing, you’ll like it good music, good beer, good people.”

Remus thought it sounded interesting, “It’s been years since I’ve been to a party, not since before the war.” Silently he berated himself for letting the last part slip.

They had reached Gavin’s flat and were standing in his kitchen, Sinatra was playing in the background. “You were in the army? That must have been hard.”

“I don’t really like to talk about it.” Remus hedged, ‘I hope he’ll accept that and not ask more.’

“For sure,” Gavin smiled, “that just makes you that much more amazing, to have survived such horrors.” He came up to Remus and lifted one of his hands, looking at the man’s fresh scars and kissing it.

Remus involuntarily closed his eyes, as he felt a shiver run down his spine. No man-no person-had ever touched him like this and after all those years of loneliness he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement. A moan slipped his lips and Gavin looked up and winked. Taking the hand he held and leading Remus to his bed. ‘Oh lord I don’t think I’m ready to go all the way yet, I’m not even entirely sure what all the way entails.’ “Um Gavin…”

“Don’t worry Remus.” The man smiled as he leaned in for another kiss taking Remus shirt off and his own. “Lay down.”

Remus couldn’t help himself he followed the other man’s order. Gavin stood over him pulling his pants off and looking hungrily at Remus who mirrored his actions. Remus couldn’t take his eyes off the other man. ‘Dear Merlin but he is beautiful.’ Gavin was well muscled but lean and Remus’ mouth hung opened as his eyes travelled lower to Gavin’s manhood seen properly for the first time.

“You are beautiful.” Gavin smiled again as he leaned down onto the bed. “Roll over.” At Remus’ hesitation, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything bad… well nothing too bad.”

Remus rolled over muttering under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I’m not beautiful I’m covered in scars.”

“Those scars make you even more beautiful” He leaned down and kissed the back of Remus’ neck and then started to give him a back rub. Scattering kisses along Remus’ back. Another moan escaped Remus’ lips as Gavin’s large hands reached his lower back.

“That feels wonderful…”

“Shh… Just relax.” Gavin then straddled himself over Remus and moved lower kissing as he went. Soon the man’s hands were separating Remus’ cheeks and then leaned forward placing himself between them but not forcing entrance. “Lean back into me a little.”

Remus felt his heart pounding a million times a second as he obliged, feeling Gavin slide back and forth against him. He felt a wonderful feeling building up again as Gavin grabbed his hips lifting him higher off the bed. He heard Gavin panting and wondered if the man would soon finish, but then Gavin pushed him back down to the bed saying once again, “Roll over.” This time there was no hesitation as Remus turned face up. Gavin leaned down and kissed him on the lips once more, “Remus, I want you to do something for me, I want you to finish me off with your mouth.”

Eager to make this man feel as good as he was making him feel he quickly leaned forward and took the other man into his mouth, Gavin’s hands on his shoulders guiding his movements. It was strange and wonderful, the taste of salt and skin making him more excited. He felt the other man growing slightly and then heard Gavin’s gasp as his mouth was filled and overflowed. Not knowing what to do he swallowed.

“Wow, for a new blood that was great.” Gavin laid down on Remus’ side and held him.

Remus unsure what to say just laid there.

Soon Gavin got up and walked over to the kitchen still completely naked. “Sandwich?”

“Yes please and maybe something to drink.”

Gavin returned with a turkey sandwich for each of them and beer. “Here you go.”

After they ate, and finished off the beer Gavin kissed Remus again then stood up and stretched. Remus was still fascinated by the other man’s body and suddenly an image of Severus was conjured up in his mind. Swiftly he looked away and closed his eyes. In attempt to distract himself, “So what time are we headed to this party?”

“Soon, you want to take a shower first?”

“Yeah, actually I am a little sweaty.”

“Come on then.” Gavin turned and walked over to his shower past the kitchen, Remus got up to follow. 

When he got there Gavin had started the water and stepped in, “Um.. Do you want me to wait?”

“No silly come on in.”

Remus stepped into a warm shower and faced Gavin’s glistening body and felt his own body react. “Oh, sorry.” He made to turn away.

“No need to be.” Gavin held his hips and turned him around then dropped down to his knees and returned the favor. Remus almost fell from the overwhelming feeling. 

Soon enough they were done, dressed and headed out smiling like two teenagers. It was a brisk night with snow on the ground. Remus had always loved this time of year when the nights seemed to stand still and hold the hope of never ending and having Gavin by his side made it so much better. 

Gavin had placed his arm on his shoulders and smiled. “I’m so glad you came tonight. This party is going to be awesome.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.”

They walked along in silence until they came upon a row of houses where music could be heard coming from one of them. Gavin removed his arm from over Remus’ shoulder and grabbed his hand leading the way. At the door he let go smiled at Remus and opened the door.

Cries emerged from within, “Gavin!” A tall lanky man came up to him and gave him a hug. 

“You made it.”

“Yeah and I brought a friend,” He turned and led Remus in, “Everyone this is Remus, Remus this is everyone.”

The tall lanky fellow came up to Remus and gave him a hug as well, “Always pleased to meet a friend of Gavin’s, I’m Woody,” Turning to the crowd putting one arm on Remus he began pointing people out and naming them, “That beanie kid in the corner is Gadget, next to him Milky and my better half Lol, I’ll introduce you around, but first let’s get you a drink.” With that Remus was guided into the kitchen and handed a cup of something.

Later on Remus was having a fairly good time but realized he’d lost track of Gavin a bit ago. Deciding to go find him he stood up from the current group and asked for the loo.

“Up the stairs.” Milky pointed.

“Thanks.” He headed off that direction.

Once up the stairs he saw four doors, trying the first one it opened and he almost shut the door again until his mind caught up with what he was seeing. Gavin was naked underneath a larger man getting buggered. He stood there for a moment stunned then turned away before he was seen and went to the next door not looking but shutting the door.

He had found himself in a room with a group of three. One of them looked up at him. “Hey man.”

Remus just nodded.

“Having a rough go of it?” Another man asked.

He nodded again.

“Come sit down, try this.” The man offering up a needle to him.

“Oh, I don’t know how…” He went to leave.

“No worries, I’ll take care of you. Sit down.” The first man said.

Remus still in shock sat down and proffered his arm. The man deftly wrapped a belt about his bicep, and found a vein. The sharp sting of the needle piercing his skin and the burning in his veins caused him to shudder slightly.

“This brown sugar will have you sorted in a few.” The previously silent man said.

Remus sat there for a while feeling the world go all fuzzy and then he saw, “James?”

None of the other men seemed to notice this new arrival.

“James, what are you doing here?”

“No Remus what are you doing here?”

“I… I don’t know…”

“Then leave. C’mon let’s go outside.”

Remus stood up and headed out. James had disappeared but Remus felt going outside seemed right and soon enough he was sitting on the garden fence. Crying. 

“Remus!” He heard his name being called out and looked to see Gavin’s concerned face. “What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened? You were the one in the other room getting getting…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“I, you saw?”

Remus shook his head and cried more.

Gavin came up to him, “Look Remus, I said I wouldn’t push you but that doesn’t mean I don’t have needs. Please understand. I’m sorry you saw that. I really like you.” Gavin put his arms around him. “Please understand.”

Remus didn’t understand anything but shook his head anyways; letting Gavin take both his hands.

“What happened to your arm?” Gavin asked looking at the blood that was flowing from a needle prick.

“I…” Remus trailed off looking down at his arm wondering how it’d got there. ‘Does my arm always look like this?’

“C’mon let’s get you back to my place.” Remus shook his head again and Gavin put his arms around him and guided him along the road.


	26. Muggle Misconceptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School duties fill Severus with unending irritation. Or perhaps it's the new professor.

CHP 26: Muggle Misconceptions

“Show me a hero and I’ll write you a tragedy.”-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Classes had just finished for the day and Severus sat waiting for the arrival of Ms. Beyurn and her acting Head of House, Professor Lodue. The last class had been a nightmare, two students sent to the hospital wing and four cauldrons had been blown to bits. It would have been worse but for the quick thinking of himself and surprisingly enough Mr. Weasley, who upon noticing the Professor casting also cast a protection spell for the tables surrounding him. Severus sighed, ‘Apparently it was a bad idea to have them attempt the anti-venom potion class 2 this close to holiday. Their minds just weren’t on task today.’ Most of the class had been doing well at the point when the explosion happened. Mr. Goodnature, another Gryffindor had once more sought some sort of revenge upon Mr. Parkinson; the two needed be put in separate counties if anyone hoped for peace. ‘Worse than cats and dogs with fireworks tied to their tails.’

A knock on his door broke his musings and took a moment to compose himself so as not to take out his current anger on an undeserving party. “Enter.” He called as he turned to face the door.

The door opened and in walked both Ms. Beyurn, looking very anxious, and a relaxed looking Professor. ‘Is that man never in a bad mood?’ Severus brooded to himself. “Have a seat Professor, Ms. Beyurn.”

After both had seated themselves Severus made a show of going through some papers on his desk, stacking them as if he were looking for something. Finally after a tense minute for effect, “Do you know why I asked you here Ms. Beyurn?”

The girl sitting across from him looked as if she might puke and he wondered once more what had happened. “Yes sir, I believe I do.”

“Would you care to elaborate?”

“I turned in a paper that…”At this the girl looked to almost be in tears. “That was unacceptable.”

“Indeed it was far from acceptable, and rest assured there will be repercussions for it, however since is the first time in six years that you have turned in a paper of such undesirable quality I will give you a chance to explain yourself.”

Professor Lodue interjected here, “If there’s something going on, we should know so if possible we can help. Please tell us what’s caused this.”

Looking to both professors the girl seemed hesitant as if she were unsure if she should just hold her tongue and take her medicine or if she should try to explain. She opened her mouth a few times but it seemed as it the words wouldn’t come out. Finally subsiding into silent tears.

“Ms. Beyurn, am I to take this as you have nothing to say?”

At this the girl shook her head, looking down she reached into her pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a letter read many times over, and handed it to her Head of House. Severus sat patiently as Donal read it. “Oh my.” He handed it over to Severus.

Dear Hava,  
Your father and I have debated over telling you this in a letter but it seems unfair to keep this from you, as we know how worried you’ve been for your little brother. As you know we have been awaiting his bloodwork and it has finally come back.  
It is with a heavy heart that I have to tell you the news that his leukemia has returned. The doctors plan to start him on chemo next week, but the best bet for him is a bone marrow transplant.  
I know, my little bird, that this heartbreaking news for you, but we didn’t want you to come home at holiday to find your brother bald once more and feel left out of the family.   
As always, we love you and are so proud of you,  
Mom and Dad

Severus considered the words he had just read. ‘Tread lightly,’ he thought about what to say. “This certainly explains your dismal performance as of late. I’m just curious why you’ve kept this to yourself?”

She looked up at him. “I didn’t… I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I only told you now because Mom and Dad would be horrified that I had gotten so distracted from my studies.”

“How old is your little brother?” Donal asked startling the girl who had seemed to forgotten he was there.

“Ten, he turns eleven in June, he was hoping to come here next fall, but…” She trailed off dashing fresh tears from her eyes.

“He’s a wizard as well?” Severus asked.

“Yes.”

Leukemia wasn’t a common wizard’s disease and from the letter it sounded as if he were being seen to by muggle doctors. “Have your parents taken him to St. Mungo’s?”

“No, my parents are both muggles and while proud of me and Taz, they don’t really understand the magical world.”

“My parents were both muggles as well, but I know if it were my sister I’d have done anything I could to get them to take her to the Healers.” Professor Lodue spoke passionately. Severus shook his head in agreement.

“But what can I do, I’m not a Healer yet.” The girl looked down at the floor forlornly.

“You want to be a Healer to help your brother?” Severus realized.

“Yes and kids like him who are also muggleborn.”

“Well what you can do now is let me meet with your parents and explain how Healers work and offer to escort them and your brother…Taz to St. Mungo’s over winter break.” Professor Lodue looked at the girl his face for once becoming stern. “This is why you should have told someone what was going on. We can’t help if we don’t know anything’s wrong.”

“You’d really help me convince them to take him there?”

“I’ll try. And coming from adult wizard who knows how to properly dress might go a long way into soothing some of their concerns.”

The girl brightened slightly at this, “Thank you sir.”

Considering all that had been revealed, Severus decided on a course of action in regards to her potion’s essay. Clearing his throat he gained the other two’s attention, “In regards, to your essay I will give you a chance to rewrite it however since it will now be late I want it to be three feet instead of two. Also, I would like a one foot essay on why you should keep your Head of House informed of family emergencies or health crisis, so perhaps should something else come up you have someone here at school supporting you. Does that seem fair to you, Professor Lodue?”

“Will Ms. Beyurn be able to receive full marks if her new essay is adequate?”

“She will receive up to a 90 on her essay, and if her other essay is of equal caliber she will receive 10 extra credit points which will make up for the 10 she cannot receive from her essay.”

“That seems as fair as any can hope for.” He turned to his charge, “Do you understand what you must do?”

“Yes Professor Lodue. I just have one question.”

“And that is Ms. Beyurn?”

“When is it due by?”

Thinking about the homework he had already assigned her class, “Thursday should give you sufficient time.”

“Yes sir, thank you sir for giving me another chance.”

“Well I suspect you want to get started so I shall see you in class Ms. Beyurn and Professor I shall see you at dinner.”

Both got up to leave, but Professor Lodue stopped at the door and looked back, “Professor Snape, thank you for including me in this. I know you could have just punished her. I’m still trying to get the hang of all this. You’ve known some of these students for years. I feel like I’m playing catch-up.”

Severus allowed himself a ghost of a smile. “Truth be told I wasn’t much better my first year here either.”

“Well, thanks.” And with that he left Severus to his thoughts. ‘Strange one, that man is, but I think he may prove himself to be alright besides it.’

“Tulipa.” He called an idea occurring to him.

“Yes Master Severus?” The young house elf appeared before him.

“Do you think your parents would mind if we added one more to the list of invitees for Christmas?”

“I think they would be pleased Master Severus.”

“Alright, then please send an invitation to Professor Lodue.”

The house elf bowed and then blinked from the room.

‘Great, if he says yes, then at least someone else will be there. I haven’t heard from Remus yet. If I don’t see or hear from him by this weekend, I’ll pop on over and check on him.’ Even with that settled he couldn’t quite push away a nagging worry. Something didn’t feel right.


	27. Music To Move The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To stay with Gavin or not? What will Remus do?
> 
> A/N: BYO is a real record, I bought it for my partner a few years back.

CHP 27: Music to Move the Soul

“We don’t get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it.”-Kami Garcia

The Leaky Cauldron had its post lunch lull and Remus was wiping down tables before he clocked out for the day. So far he liked working here, he hadn’t realized how alone he had made himself until he had started going out with Gavin. He sighed as Gavin intruded his thoughts once more that day. He still didn’t know what to do.

“That’s a mighty heavy sigh for a Tuesday.” Tom said startling Remus from his thoughts.

“Yeah. Just trying to make my mind up about something.” He looked to the bartender.

“The lad Gavin who calls here?”

“Sort of. I mean…” Remus looked around again to ensure they were alone. “I know I don’t love him, but I care about him. I’m just not sure it’s right.”

Tom looked at him with a slight frown, “Are you not sure if it’s right because you don’t love him or because he’s a man or is there something else you’re not saying?”

Almost laughing to himself, ‘Tom is one perceptive bartender.’ “Well I guess you could say all of the above. It doesn’t feel right to be with someone I don’t love, but I can’t be with the one who has captured my heart.” He moved to another table. “I’m still getting used to the idea of being… well, you know. And then, well he cheated on me… sort of.”

“What do you mean sort of? I wouldn’t think there was a grey area in that regard.”

“Well, it’s hard to explain.”

“Is it hard to explain because you are ashamed of what happened?”

“We never agreed to be exclusive. So I don’t know if it’s cheating or if it’s just hurt feelings. He said it was cuz he ‘didn’t want to push me to fast’ but that he had needs.”

“That is a difficult place to find yourself. Let me ask you this though, don’t you think there is someone out there who is willing to wait for you?”

“Honestly Tom, I just don’t know.”

“Think on it some.”

Remus nodded finishing the last table. “Well Tom, I’m off, gonna go check out a couple records stores, when’s my next shift?”

“Take tomorrow off and I’ll see you Thursday for the dinner shift.”

“Thanks, Tom see you then.”

It was still cold in London proper, but the snow had turned into a heavy rain. Pulling his collar up he headed to the closest underground station. His mind running in circles as he tried to make sense of what to do. No, he and Gavin were not exclusive, but he had never expected to walk in on Gavin getting screwed by someone else. ‘He is right about one thing, I’m not ready to do that… So maybe I should give it another go and just remember that he’s not mine. Really, it’s better this way probably. This way I won’t get too attached.’

He got off the tube a few minutes later feeling maybe not better, but at least decided, and headed towards The Vinyl Underground, a record store a few blocks down from where Gavin lived. It was as interesting a shop to Remus as those found on Diagon Alley full of almost any kind of music ever pressed into lp form. ‘I wonder if Severus likes records and if so what kind of music does he listen to?’ 

He walked up to the counter, “Excuse me sir, what would you recommend for someone into Social Distortion?”

The guy at the counter seemed a little disturbed at being called “sir” but he prevailed, “Just call me Rich, Social Distortion you say?” He walked around the counter. “Follow me.” He headed off to an area labeled compilations. 

Remus raised an eyebrow but followed Rich anyways.

Rich deftly pulled an album from the B’s with a funny looking cartoon on the cover of a school bus. “Here, I would go with this, it’s got one Social Distortion song plus a lot of good groups.”

Remus took the record and looked at it. “What’s BYO?”

“Better Youth Organization, it’s just what they called this particular gathering of the bands.”

“Thanks, man.” Remus smiled.

“Anything else?”

“Well you got any suggestions for someone who listens to Greatful Dead, and Frank Sinatra?”

Rich smiled and shook his head. “Definitely. Over here.” He walked over to an area labeled “Big Band, Crooners, and the Like”, he picked out two records and held them up for Remus to look at. “This one here is Ella Fitzgerald, and she has got some of the best pipes ever and this one is Louis Armstrong, who has this great gravelly voice and can play a trumpet to beat the devil.”

“Great I'll take both.” They both headed back to the counter and Remus paid Rich thanking him once again for his help.

“Hey, no worries man. You gotta love what you do. Come back anytime and let me know how you and your friends like the records.”

“Yeah, will do.” He headed out a smile on his face very pleased with what he had accomplished. He shrunk his purchases down and placed them in his pocket then headed for a payphone. He needed to talk to Gavin.

The phone rung three time before a slightly sleepy sounding voice answered, “Hello?”

“Hey, Gavin it’s me, Remus.”

The voice perked up, “Hey Remus, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to speak to me again.”

“I wasn’t either until about a half hour ago.”

“I’m glad you decided to call.”

“Remus shifted a little, biting his lip trying to decide what to say. “Uh, yeah. So you busy right now?”

“No, I got work in a few hours, but if you want to come over and have breakfast with me I’d really like that.”

“Cool, I’m over by the record store a few blocks from you.”

“Sweet well head on over.” 

“Ok.” Remus hung up, not really sure if he was doing the right thing. His feet took him to Gavin’s anyway.

He took several deep breaths before ringing the bell at Gavin’s; he had removed the Louis Armstrong record and returned it to normal size. He looked down at it wondering why he felt the need to apologize to Gavin, but he did regardless of why. 

The sight of Gavin walking down the steps in his pj’s stole his breath for a moment. The man was still beautiful to him. Gavin smiled when he opened the door, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes. ‘I wonder if he’s worried I’ll yell at him or punch him or something.’

“Remus, come on in.”

“Hey Gavin.” Remus smiled back wondering if his smile seemed forced as well.

It was a somber duo that walked into Gavin’s flat, both men seemed unsure where they stood with each other. 

“I’m glad you called. Really Remus, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just let my hormones get the better of me that night. I promise if we go somewhere again then I’ll only be with you that night.”

“And other nights?”

“Are you asking me to only see you?”

“No… I just need to try and figure this out in my head.”

“Do you want me to give an honest answer?”

“Yes.”

“Well other nights will be other nights, if I find comfort with someone else, I’d like to keep it between me and that other person.”

Remus sighed. ‘Am I okay with that? I’m not ready to do all the things he wants… I’m not even sure I want to have a real relationship with him. I guess until I know what I want with him I should just accept that.’ He looked at Gavin. “Alright.”

Gavin nodded his head, “Okay… So, breakfast?”

“Yeah, I brought a record for us to listen to while you cook.”

“Great, let’s see it then.”

Remus handed it to him and was rewarded with one of Gavin’s most beautiful smiles and he thought, ‘I could almost love him.’

Gavin put Louis on the record player and started cooking some eggs.

“You are one of the best cooks I’ve ever met.”

Gavin laughed, “I’ve known how to cook since I was boy, mum worked so it was up to me and my older brother to get food on the table, but this is nothing, just simple stuff.”

“I couldn’t do it. I burn water.”

“Maybe I’ll teach you how to cook one day.”

Remus smiled, but his head had started feeling a little fuzzy, and found himself sitting on the floor.

“Are you alright?”

“What? Oh yeah, just feeling a bit muddled off and on ever since that party.”

“You’re probably jonesing for that junk you had shoved in your arm.” Gavin moved over to Remus and helped him up. “Here sit on the bed for a moment. I got something that should help you out.” Gavin went to the cabinet where he kept his towels and pulled out some items and went over to the stove where it looked like to Remus heat heated up a spoon.

“What’s that?” Remus asked curious.

“Oh just a little hair of the dog that bit you.” He filled up a syringe and went back over to Remus. “Give your arm.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“Shh… Trust me, it’ll help even you out.” Stupidly Remus offered his arm up and Gavin injected him. “Lay down for a bit while I finish cooking. I’m going to make a call and have a friend come over who can hook you up with your own stash.”

Remus laid back and stared absently at the ceiling. ‘This is wonderful. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Gavin’s nice to help me get more… I just don’t know how I’m going to pay for it… Oh well I’ll figure something out.’


	28. Let's Talk About Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus and Remus have "The Talk".

CHP 28: Let’s Talk About Sex

“Is minic a rinne bromach gioblach capall cumasach. Many a ragged colt made a noble horse.”-Irish Probverb

It was Saturday morning and that nagging feeling that had been in whispering in the back of his head was now screaming at him, but he was not one to let unsubstantiated fears control his emotions. It was unlike Remus to be so out of touch. ‘This isn’t like Remus, well it’s unlike Remus since Halloween to be so distant. There has got to be a good reason…’ Images of Remus sitting so still and pale in the chair before the fireplace floated through his mind. He shut his eyes willing the pictures away. 

His increasingly disturbing and frantic thoughts were interrupted by a knock at his door. Stopping where he was he attempted to calm himself before calling, “Enter.”

An increasingly familiar smiling face walked in, “Hey… Severus… I just got this invitation in the post and it says it’s from you. I just wanted to know if it’s for real or someone playing a prank.”

For a moment Severus had no idea what Donal was talking about and then he recalled asking Tulipa to invite him. “Yes, it’s from me. I had thought if you didn’t have other plans you might like to join me for Christmas.”

“Actually yeah, that’d be nice, I was going to visit my mom, but some work came up and she’ll not be opening the house in Killarney. Should I bring anything?”

“Not really.”

“How many others will be there?”

“Well, I’m still waiting to hear back from someone, if he shows up it will be you, him and me plus three very eager house elves.”

“House elves? Really?”

“They have been with the family for years and it would seem rather mean to put them out on the street just because I don’t feel the need to have them serve me night and day.”

“Oh… I didn’t mean it like that… It’s just aside from Hogwarts, I’ve never seen any. They are not native to the Americas.”

“Well I was planning on heading there on Christmas eve, you can meet me here at 10 am and I can escort you. The place is warded so all my guests have to escorted.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you then. Thanks for inviting me.” Donal smiled and left Severus alone once more to his thoughts.

‘Dammit Remus, you leave me no choice.’ He grabbed a pinch of floo powder and threw it rather aggressively into the fireplace stepping into the green flames. Moments later stepping out at Remus’ place.

“Remus?” Severus called.

The house looked more or less how it had always looked, which gave him no clue as to whether everything was alright or not. With wand in hand, he began heading towards the kitchen when he heard a noise from above him. Spinning around he hurried towards the stairs taking them two at a time as quietly and quickly as possible. Fearful of what he might find. 

On the third floor he noticed a light coming from one of the rooms. Slowly he approached the partially open door, his senses were straining for any indication of what or who he might find inside the room. Then he heard a clanking sound and a familiar voice, “Son of an imp.”

Lowering his wand, he called out again, “Remus?”

Another thud, then a slightly disheveled Remus appeared at the door. “Oh hey, Severus. Didn’t hear you come in.”

“Yes, well I hadn’t heard from you in a while and I wanted to check in.”

“You were worried I’d done something to myself again?”

“No,” He lied, “I just wondered if you would be joining me for Christmas or not?”

“Oh, right,” Remus rubbed his head, “I knew I was forgetting something. I meant to send you a reply when I got off work yesterday.”

“You work?”

“Just started, Tom offered me a part time job and I thought it’d do me some good to get out of the house more.”

“I agree.” Severus looked the man over deciding something was still off, Remus was not known to be forgetful but, “So, Christmas?”

“Oh yes certainly. It’s been years since I’ve spent Christmas or any holiday for that matter with anyone.” Remus smiled.

The two men stood in silence for a while, then Remus spoke up, “So would you like to see what I’ve done with Binxley’s room?” He gestured into the room he had just emerged from.

“Sure.” Severus crossed the threshold to look upon a room decorated with a few quidditch posters, in wall bookshelves and what looked like a very small loft. “What is that?” Severus pointed up to it.

“Oh, I thought he might like somewhere high up…” Remus looked a little bashful at this, like a kid who wasn’t sure it he’d done something to be proud of or not. 

“Very insightful.” Severus stole another look at Remus as the man pointed various things in the room. ‘He keeps covering up his left arm. What is he hiding?’

“Would you like some tea while you’re here or do you need to get back?”

“Tea would be good.” They both turned and headed back to the kitchen. “Everything else going good then?” He asked once Remus had put the kettle on.

“More or less, working has been good for me I think, keeps me from being so alone all the time.”

Deciding for the direct approach, “What happened to your arm?”

Remus froze for a moment, and Severus saw it knowing something was going on. “I well, it’s a bit of a story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“I went to a party with this guy. I guess muggle drinks affect me differently, or something cuz I passed out and these guys there injected me with something.”

“Let me see.” Remus paused once more than walked around the kitchen island and showed Severus his arm. ‘He has multiple puncture wounds here… And he’s holding something back, but I can’t be sure what.’ He released his grip on Remus. “When did this happen?”

“Last weekend.” Remus went over and grabbed the teacups avoiding Severus’ eyes.

‘You’re lying.’ He thought, ‘There’s no way they’d be that fresh if it happened a week ago.’ Not wanting to push the subject as he might have in the past, he asked, “What happened to the guy you went with?”

“He wasn’t with me right then. He found me later and took me back to his place to recover for a bit.”

Severus did not like the sound of this guy but it was Remus’ choice who he wanted to spend his time with, but he felt an upsetting disquiet stir in his heart. “Does he care for you?”

“I’m not sure, sometimes he’s so nice to me and other times… I don’t know.”

“But you care for him?”

“I don’t know that either.”

“Are you going to keep seeing him?”

Remus shrugged, “He’s all I have for comfort.”

Severus wanted to scream as Remus just then, ‘Don’t let him treat you like dirt just so you can delude yourself into thinking he cares about you! I care about you and I need you, you’re the only friend I have!’ Instead he asked, “Are you safe when you’re with him?”

“Safe?”

“Yes, Remus, are you using protection when you sleep with him?”

Remus blanched, “I’m not sleeping with him, not like that anyways.”

“Oh.” He wasn’t sure why but this made him feel somewhat better. “Why?”

Looking down at the tea he was pouring into the cups he added some honey then handed the other cup to Severus before answering, “I’ve never been with anyone and I have this crazy idea in my head that I should love the man I give that up with. I know it sounds silly and childish, but I want to wait for that.”

Severus’ heart gave a little cheer just then, ‘He’s not being a complete idiot then, even if he did just sound like a teenage girl.’ He took a sip of tea. “I think that’s respectable.”

“Did you wait for someone you loved?”

Severus frowned, ‘I don’t remember, have I ever even had sex aside from…’ His frown deepened. “I didn’t get to choose.”

“Oh, you mean… well that doesn’t count, that wasn’t about love or anything. I mean, when you finally did choose; did you wait for someone you loved or did you just get it over with?”

Wanting to be honest about this because he felt a lot would be decided upon his reply and he didn’t want Remus making a mistake he would regret and something seemed wrong about the man Remus was seeing. Searching his mind, he found that he had no memory of ever choosing to be with anyone and yet somehow he knew had done so at least once in his life. “Remus, I can’t remember. I search my mind and it’s not there.”

“Are you like me then, a virgin?”

“I don’t think so, but I can’t find the memory. There is so much missing from my mind, holes surgically removed from my past.”

“Like you’ve been obliviated?”

“No, I think I hid them from myself, but I don’t know how to get them back.”


	29. Down The Rabit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More prepping for Christmas... sort of.

CHP 29: Down the Rabbit Hole

“Never mistake motion for action.”-Ernest Hemingway

Remus sat quietly in his room, a syringe in one hand and a faraway look in his eyes. He had just used the last of his stash and knew he would need more before he left for Christmas holiday at Prince Manor. He rolled his sleeve down put the kit away and stood up. If they had bothered to teach drug education at Hogwarts they certainly would have said that disapperating or apperating while under the influence was a terrible idea, but they did not teach that at Hogwarts and Remus didn’t stop to consider the consequences he just thought of where he wanted to go and with a pop, he found himself in an alleyway just around the corner from Gavin’s.

He went to the door and rung the bell. A few moments later a surprised yet pleased looking Gavin appeared at the door. “Remus, what brings you here?”

“I’m out.”

“Out? Out how?”

“Out of that stuff you gave me.”

A relieved look crossed over Gavin’s face. “For some reason I thought you meant you came out of the closet.”

“What?”

“Man you are a newb, it’s a term used for when you tell people you’re gay. It usually doesn’t go well. I thought that’s what you were talking about and maybe you were in trouble.”

“No, I’m not out like that, well not really. My boss knows and my…friend I told you about.”

“The straight one you have the hots for?”

“Yeah him.”

“Cool, well come on up I’ll call Scripts and see if he can come round.”

They both went upstairs and Remus paced the length of the flat waiting to hear if Scripts as the man was called would be able to help him out. Gavin hung up the phone.

“Well?”

“He said he’d be over in a bit.”

“Great.” Remus felt a smile tug on his lips.

“Here have a beer and settle down.” Gavin went to the fridge and took out a six pack.

Remus took one and opened it, “Thanks Gavin, I just I have this holiday thing coming up and I didn’t think I could make it through without a little help.” Remus took a pull from his bottle, ‘And Merlin save me if Severus ever found out. He would hate me forever if he knew.’ After that thought the little voice inside his head that he had been managing to keep quiet so far perked up, ‘Then why are you doing this?’ He once more pushed the voice away. ‘It’s none of his business anyhow.’

A little while later as Gavin and Remus were on their second beer the doorbell rang and Gavin rose to get it. Remus felt sweat breakout all over. The little voice perked up one more time. ‘Don’t do this, you can still walk away right now, tell Severus and get clean.’ Once more Remus shut the voice up, looking anxiously up as Gavin returned with Scripts.

“I brought you what you asked for but it’s been a little tight out there lately, lots of busts going on so the price has gone up.”

Remus deflated, he’d only brought 100 quid with him and couldn’t get any more without going to his Gringott’s account. “How much?”

“It’s going run you 175.”

“I only have 100, until payday…”

“Sorry mate I can’t go any lower, if you weren’t Gavin’s friend I’d be asking for 250.”

At this Gavin spoke up, “Well Scripts, maybe we can work out a deal of some sort.”

Scripts turned to Gavin, “What did you have in mind?”

“You need this right Remus?” 

“Yes.”

“Well how about you give him your 100 and make up the other 75 with a favor?”

Scripts winked at Gavin then shrugged, but Remus hadn’t caught the drift and asked, “What kind of favor?”

“Well Scripts, like me, believes that sometimes a guy just has to help another guy out. So I think if you did for him what you do for me he might let you have it.”

Remus was floored, he knew this was a horrible idea, but thinking about going all holiday without any help… He swallowed around the lump in his throat and nodded.

“Okay then.” Gavin smiled and walked over to Remus kissing him deeply, then leaning in and whispered, “And maybe when you’re done with him you can do me. Watching makes me insanely hot.” He kissed his ear.

The voice that had been trying to save Remus seemed to have finally given up and remained silent. “I, uh, should we just start then?”

Scripts smiled and Gavin smirked back at him. As he walked over to where the other two stood he loosened his belt and undid his pants. “Get undressed.” He commanded and Remus found himself obeying.

Once unclothed, Scripts placed a hand on Remus’ shoulder and pushed him to his knees. Remus had never just done this usually there was kissing and passion, but he made an effort teasing the head with his tongue mouthing the vein running along the bottom of the very hard and angry cock. Licking the pearly substance weeping out and soon Scripts was letting little moans escape his lips letting Remus know he was doing a decent job. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Gavin watching while rubbing himself. 

A single tear escaped Remus’ eye, he felt so dirty and ashamed at that point, but as Scripts forced himself deeper into Remus’ mouth it was too late. Scripts withdrew himself, leaving evidence of his satisfaction on Remus’ face and letting Gavin have his turn. 

Remus kept his eyes closed until Gavin had also finished, if they had been open he might have seen Scripts wink at Gavin, he might have noticed them kiss each other, but he did not. Once Gavin was done he handed Remus a moist cloth to wipe off his face.

“Stay that way Remus.” Gavin said before Remus could reach for his clothes. Scripts handed over a brown bag with the drugs Remus had demeaned himself for. 

“You know what Gavin, I don’t need the 100 quid, your boy here is worth the loss of cash.” And with that he left Gavin and Remus alone in the flat.

“C’mon Remus, let’s get you cleaned up.” He guided a silent Remus to the shower where they stood together, Gavin washing the other man off. “You did good today, you know we could do more of that. If you needed cash I could hook you up with some guys who’d love a mouth like yours.”

None of this was really getting through to Remus. None of his thoughts seemed to want to stay in one place. Only thing he could think, “Gavin can you give me a little to sort me?”

“Of course, Remus, you earned it. Just don’t go using it all at once now.”

They left the bathroom and Gavin got the stuff set up and for Remus who was still naked. Not sure what to do with himself right then he grabbed another beer.

“Here you go Remus, all ready to go. You want me to do it?”

Remus shook his head, “Thanks.”

Once they hit his system, Remus was floating and all the shame he had felt drifted away. “Now it all makes sense again.”

“What does, pet?” Gavin asked.

“Why what I did was worth it.”

Gavin smiled then, not a nice smile but a smile like he was a cat who had just caught a mouse. “Do you realize how sexy you are with all those scars?”

“Not sexy.” Remus voice drifted out of him.

“Yeah, you are.” Gavin said as he went to kiss the inside of Remus’ thighs and moving up to take Remus in his mouth.

“Mmm, Gavin that’s more amazing than ever.” Remus heard himself say. His body was responding even though it seemed disconnected from his own mind. Finally his body released what it had been holding and Remus was allowed to drift completely away.


	30. Books and Vinyl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Christmas prep... I promise, I really don't hate Christmas.
> 
> A/N: I forgot to mention the Vinyl Underground is(maybe was) a record shop in Seattle, WA. Tin Can Mailman is a bookstore in Arcata, CA

CHP 30: Books and Vinyl

“You only live once, and the way I live once is enough.”-Frank Sinatra

Christmas shopping was never Severus strong suit, as a child he would spend hours gathering potions ingredients for his mom. His dad never liked anything he had tried to give him. He shivered, thinking about his dad was of no use to him now. For Donal he had gotten an enchanted lesson planner, he hoped the young Professor would find it useful but not too impersonal. However, he was somewhat stumped as to what he should get for Remus.

He decided to head out into muggle London and see if anything inspired him. The window dressings on the shops were sickeningly cheery and Severus felt perhaps this was not the best idea, but then he was determined to find something. ‘Remus loves to read, maybe I should get him a few books…’ He recalled a neat second hand book shop down by a record store he liked to visit every now and then.

Tin Can Mailman, was a converted two story house that had all sorts of books, from out dated medical texts to trashy romances and unknown to most a magical text section only seen by those who knew to look for it. Severus felt himself relax once he crossed the threshold while the holiday books were set out front for the Christmas shopper it wasn’t overdone. The smell of books adding a sense of timelessness to the place. 

Severus let his feet lead him through the rows and rows of books not entirely sure what he was looking for but feeling he was in the right place. He found himself standing in the science section looking at a misplaced copy of Kafka’s Metamorphoses. It was a bit battered but not much damage, he smiled. ‘This is a good start, but half a quid did not a Christmas present make, at least not one for a friend.’ It still threw him off to think about Remus as a friend but as time passed it had started to feel normal. ‘Maybe I should see what they have in the magical texts section.’

After two hours and six books later Severus felt he had accomplished for the most part what he had set out to do and deciding to stop by the Vinyl Underground to pick up some new records shrunk his purchases down. Rich waved at him as he entered, recognizing Severus from previous trips. “Looking for anything special today?”

“Ah, just browsing after a bit of Christmas shopping.”

“Cool, well we’ve got some good stuff in recently and you should check out the sale rack.”

“Alright, I will.” Severus walked over to the area labeled Ska, and began looking through the various records. After a few minutes he decided nothing was really interesting him, he headed over to Blues/Alternative, and then over to Big Band. A smile spread across his face as he looked over records he had listened to as a child, deciding on a Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby record. 

Shopping done, Severus returned to Hogwarts to pack and wrap the presents he’d bought. It had been a long day, but a fruitful one and for the first time in a very long time Severus found himself looking forward to Christmas. He fell asleep that night feeling peaceful.

***

The snow was hard packed in the sad excuse for a park Severus found himself. It seemed empty and quiet, but there was a tense feeling in the air. Then he heard a sniffle sounding like it came from the bushes off to the side of him. Looking closer he saw a little boy curled up in a ball hiding.

“Harry?” He asked.

The boy looked up at him, sadness reflecting in the depths of his eyes, “Hello.”

Severus walked over to the boy who was so inappropriately dressed for the weather; Severus was a surprised he was not blue. “What are you doing hiding out here?”

“Dudley has a friend over and I didn’t want to get beat up again.”

“Who’s Dudley?” Severus asked frowning.

“My cousin.” 

“Why not tell your Aunt and Uncle?”

“Dudley will just say I started it.” The boy said looking up at him then looking back at the ground. Severus recognized that look of shame. Things were not right in the Dursley house in regards to Harry Potter. As much as Severus had hated James in school, at least part of the time, Severus thought no child deserved to feel so unloved.

“Still you shouldn’t be out here in the cold you might get sick.”

“No one would care.”

“I care. How can I bring you home someday if you’re not here to bring home?”

The boy looked up, hope in his eyes for the first time during this dream. “You really want me?”

Severus kneeled down to get on eye level with the five year old. “Yes Harry, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. I can’t just take you away as much as I may want because they’d just take you back and any chance would be ruined. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I just… It’s hard being here.”

“I know child, more than you might believe. But for now I think you should head back home so you don’t catch your death.”

“Sometimes, I wish I had died with my parents.”

The boy’s words struck a nerve with Severus and scared him deeply. “It seems that way now, but someday, it’ll be better. I just need you to hang on a little while longer.”

“I’ll try.”

Severus gave the boy a smile, and though physical affection was not something that came easily to him, he gave Harry a hug, at first the boy stiffened but then relaxed and hugged the Potion’s Master back. “Good.”

Darkness fell as he held Harry in his arms and the dream shifted.

~~~DREAM SHIFT~~~

Severus was sitting in the kitchen of his childhood home, and for a moment he felt his heart soar seeing his mom stirring a pot on the stove.

“Now, Sev remember to turn the burner off once the soup is done and save some for your father. I have to get to work.”

Severus leapt from his seat and ran over to his beloved mother, “Mama.” He wrapped his arms around her middle. “Please stay.” He asked for even though he was in what appeared to be his nine year old body he still had his twenty-something year old mind.

“Honey,” His mom knelt down and kissed the top of Severus’ head, “you know I can’t miss my shift, we need the money.” She pried his arms off her, and placed her hand under his chin making him look her in the eye. “Please try and be a good boy. I don’t know when your father will be home… But I trust you to take care of yourself. Okay?”

“Yes, mama.” Severus hugged her once more, “Love you mama.”

“Love you to my sweet prince.” She smiled then left.

After he had ate his dinner he put a bowl in the fridge for his dad and decided to go up to his room to read. All too soon he heard his dad stumbling in and yelling for him to get downstairs.

“Where are you good for nothing?” Severus ran down to meet him knowing it’d not do him well to make him wait. “There you are, where’s my dinner?”

“In the fridge, sir. Mama made soup.”

Tobias sat down at the kitchen table, “Well what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation? Heat it up for me.”

Hustling to obey, Severus turned the stove on and went to get the bowl from the fridge. In his haste he tripped and spilled. His eyes going wide with terror.

“Now look what you did you little beast.”

“I’ll clean it up sir.”

His father stood up and loomed over him, “Get down on your hands and knees and lick it up.”

The request gave Severus pause to process it and that hesitation was one he would pay dearly for as his dad grabbed him by his collar and then next thing he knew he was sprawled on the ground. His father taking the now hot pot from the stove and holding it above Severus upper back. “I said lick it up.”

Knowing better than to cry out from the pain caused by his unceremonious union with the floor, Severus lowered his head and began to lick up the spilled soup. Soon enough the pot was removed from over his back, but then he heard the familiar yet terrifying sound of his dad’s belt being unbuckled.

‘No, no, no!’ He screamed in his head. The cheap flooring cracked and curling dug into his hands and knees as his dad forced Severus’ pants down as well. Knowing what was coming Severus tried to put himself into the patterns on the floor. Pretending it was like a maze he was trying to escape from, allowing his mind to escape from the reality of the kitchen.  
***

Waking with a scream in his throat, Severus shook his head. Drenched in sweat he got up to change, ‘Damn you Dad,’ he thought. He paused at his wardrobe and wonder if dreaming about Harry was what was causing him to dream also about his dad, ‘Perhaps, I am seeing in him what happened to me. I need my memories back, I feel like there’s something in them that will help me claim Harry legally.’


	31. Diluted Depths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How deep will he fall? A new friend might be his saving grace...

CHP 31: Diluted Depths

“You no longer have a secret. You have a story.”-Shelly Lewis

‘What is happening to me? Why I am doing this?’ Remus asked himself when he woke suddenly in the middle of the night. ‘I’m destroying my life but I can’t stop, I can’t go back now. I’m in too deep.’ He rolled over to see the back of Gavin as the other man slept peacefully. Tomorrow he would be headed to Severus’ and he hoped the time away would help him recover something he felt he had lost.

Sitting up carefully so as not to wake the man next to him he looked around. There were other people in the flat all of whom Remus had as Gavin called it “Paid favors to” and Remus felt disgusted with himself. ‘At least I still haven’t given up all of myself to this, to them.’ He looked back at Gavin, ‘Or to him. I don’t love him, I’m not even sure I like him anymore. I just feel like I need him.’ 

Even in that crowded room Remus felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness, he had to get out of there. Quietly he got dressed, leaving a note on Gavin’s fridge explaining he had to leave early so as to make his train. He didn’t want the man worrying even though he wasn’t really sure why he cared anymore.

Walking outside a sense of giddy relief flowed through him, ‘I could escape, just walk away and never return.’ He shivered but from excitement or cold he was not sure. He headed once more to the underground where he found himself standing in front of a mirror in one of the loos. He barely recognized himself, he wanted to punch the man staring back at him, but it would serve no purpose so he turned on the faucet and washed his face in the cold water. A voice from behind startled him.

“You look a little lost there, sonny.”

Remus turned and saw an older man walk over to the urinal. He almost laughed to himself, “You might say that.”

“I’ve been there a time or two myself.” The old man spoke as the background of pee hitting the porcelain tapped out a sort of cadence. 

Remus jerked his head and turned back to the sink. It seemed very strange to engage in a conversation with a man he didn’t know while said man was taking a leak. The cadence stopped and Remus felt the man come up behind him, and they looked at each other in the mirror. Remus found himself needing to speak to this man, this complete stranger, “I feel so lonely and empty. I can’t keep my head straight and I’m making choices that my one friend in the world would hate me for.”

“It’s hard when you finally reach a point where it seems like everything is going good and then you mess it all up.” The stranger put his hands on Remus’ shoulders and Remus felt himself lean back into the older man. The man wrapped his arms around Remus holding him. “There’s no solving all your problems in one grand gesture, it takes little ones.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.” Remus replied eyes closed in attempt to hold back his tears.

“Maybe I can help with the loneliness.” The man whispered in his ear and Remus found himself nodding in agreement not sure why he felt he should trust this man, but at that point not really caring.

They walked out of the bathroom not really looking at each other, Remus following half a pace behind this stranger who seemed to be offering him a port in the storm he was turning his life into. A few minutes later they found themselves at an 18 hour coffee shop sitting across from each other.

“I didn’t know there were coffee shops open 18 hours.” Remus stated dumbly.

The man smiled, “You looked like a cup of strong coffee would do you well.”

“I think you might be right, but I’m not entirely sure this isn’t all just some strange dream. I don’t even know you, but here I am trusting you with parts of my life I never even think about let alone tell other people.”

The man smiled a little, “The name’s Winston but people call me Winny and sometimes it’s easier talk with strangers than friends. I remember when I was a young man in the late 30’s. Back then the idea of having a relationship with a man the same as you would with a women just didn’t exist. I thought one day I would grow out of it, even cheated on the man I loved with a women I purposed to, but she knew what I was and refused me. The damage had been done though and Phillip left me to fight in Spain. He died there. I never knew if he ever knew just how much I loved him… and that messed me up for a time…” Winny looked away for a moment then a deep sadness playing across his features.

The words sunk past his muddled mind as the coffee worked its own magic, and Remus wondered, “How did you know I was… that I’m… that way?”

“You looked just like I did the months after Phillip died.” The man offered a sad little smile, “And when I touched you instead of pulling away I felt your need for more contact. A straight man would have jerked away, maybe even punched me.”

“Oh.” 

“I guess you’re wondering what an old buggerer like me was doing in a public toilet this late at night…” And when Remus nodded, he continued, “I woke up lonely, it had been so long since I had felt another man… I went trolling, but when I saw you… I thought, this is me when I was young, I can help him. So that’s what I’m trying to do.”

Remus was a little disturbed by what the man said, ‘Is he my future then? If I follow the path I’m on will I end up like him trolling the public toilets looking for a temporary fix to keep the emptiness at bay? Am I him already?’ Frowning he looked at Winny, “And how do you plan on doing that?”

“Well starting with someone to talk with seems as good an idea as any, a safe place to hang out, someone who has been around seen it all and can help guide you.”

“I’m not sure.” He really wasn’t either, part of him wondered if Winny wasn’t just an older version of Gavin. “I have someone… sort of.”

“Be that as it may, I can offer you my ear without asking for your body in return.” The man shrugged, getting up to grab a refill for both of them leaving Remus to consider what the older man had said. ‘It would be nice to just have someone to talk to who wasn’t trying to get me on my knees all the time… And I don’t have a volatile past with him like I do with Severus…’

The man returned with two steaming cups of coffee sitting once more across from him. Remus took his cup gratefully and finally really looked at the man who seemed to be offering him a way out. “Say I wanted to take you up on your offer, how would we do that?”

“Well, how about this… I come here pretty regular I’ll be here the day after New Year’s if you want my help, be here if not, no pressure.”

Remus smiled a little, Winny had a charisma about him that made him feel safe. It was very different from Gavin, and from Severus. They sat drinking their coffee in silence Remus stealing looks at the older man thinking, ‘Even now Winny is handsome, in a sort of regal manner… kind of like a well-aged gentleman, he must of have been a looker. In a different time…’ He sighed into his coffee, ‘If only I had met you before Gavin, but then I wouldn’t have needed the help would I?’


	32. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three travel to Prince manor, and gifts are bestowed upon three delighted house elves.

CHP 32: Homeward Bound

“Death or glory; it’s just another story.”-Social Distortion

Christmas eve morning found Severus and Remus waiting for Donal to show up so they could all head over to Prince Manor; it was a little before 10 and Severus hoped the man would not be late as he was looking forward to the day. Tulipa had popped over earlier to inform him that her parents had gone all out decorating, making the mason look as it had in past days when his mother was a child. It was something he had only ever heard about.

At five til, a knock on the door announced the final member of the party had arrived. “Hope, I’m not late. I ran into a little trouble packing.”

“No you’re not late. I’d like you to meet a friend of mine.” Severus turned to introduce Donal to Remus, but was interrupted.

“Donal? I didn’t know you were teaching here.” Remus stated a bit amused. Severus felt somewhat at a loss at the two apparently already knowing each other.

“It’s a teaching exchange with the academy I teach at back in the states. Professor Flitwick was kind enough to allow me to come here.”

“I haven’t seen you since the end of sixth year.”

Severus, looked at Donal again, “I don’t remember you going here.”

Donal just shrugged, “Why would you I was only here for a year on a student exchange sorted into Ravenclaw.”

“Well that does answer one question I had.” Severus replied, thinking ‘I’m good at remembering faces, it’s how I can do what I do, but if he was here when I was a sixth year… Blasted missing memories.’

“How I was able to be Head of House?”

“Yes, but seeing as you were a member of the house that makes much more sense.”

“It’s okay you didn’t remember me, we only had Defense together and at the time you seemed much more interested in your Slytherin friends.”

“Right, well shall we be going then?” Severus asked. They all agreed they were ready and Severus picked up an old looking quill. “Here’s the portkey.” They all reached out and touched it and in flash found themselves standing outside an old castle looking estate.

“Severus when you said mason, I don’t think I was picturing anything quite like this.” Remus said looking out at the moors.

“Well actually it’s an Abbey, but one of the Princes thought to call it Prince Manor and so it has been called since.” Severus smiled, while he had not grown up here he always got a sense of welcoming when he came here. ‘Perhaps it’s because I didn’t grow up here that I feel that way.’

“Nice digs.” Donal put in.

“Thank you. Come on then let’s head in. I’ll let Tulipa give you two a tour. She’s known this this house her whole life.” The trio headed towards the main entrance where Severus noticed the entire staff, all three, had turned out to meet the Lord of the Abbey. ‘Great, pomp and circumstance from the start.’ He smiled a little in spite of himself at least he knew they actually wanted to be standing out there.

“I’ve been wondering what Tulipa’s parents were like.” Remus smiled a bemused expression on his face.

“Now’s your chance to meet them. As is tradition the staff have off after Christmas breakfast has been served. Usually, they receive presents from the family on Christmas eve.”

“I didn’t think house elves liked taking time off.”

“They don’t, but the Prince family comes from a line of Lords and Ladies and as such put much stock in tradition. The house elves agreed to those terms when they became members of the staff. They also get a half day once a week and a full day once a month to spend as they wish.”

They had reached the three house elves, “Master Severus, Master Remus, Master Donal, Tulipa and her parents is so pleased to welcome you.” The young elf greeted.

“Thank you Tulipa, Sooki, and Tully. Would you be so kind as to show our guests to their rooms I think we’d all like to do lunch at noon, unless that time it not suitable for you?”

The mother elf spoke. “Certainly Master Severus, lunch shall be ready promptly at noon in main the library so you may enjoy the Christmas tree.” With that she and her daughter took the hands of their guests and lead them inside.

“Wonderful to see you again Tully, how are things here?” Severus inquired of the remaining house elf.

“Ah, Master Severus, theys be good, iffin a little lonely. We is all pleased you came home for Christmas this year and brought guests. It’ll do the old house some good having life in it again. If Tully might be so blunt, Master Severus, you really ought to be coming home more.” Tully gave Severus a somewhat hopeful look.

“Of course you are right Tully, but until the inheritance is settled and it is truly mine to call home, I’d rather not get too attached.”

“Bugger wizard legal mombo-jumbbo, the house has claimed you as kin and there be nairy of a thing anyone can do about that.”

Severus nodded realizing perhaps his Grandfather had not consider the old enchantments on the estate when he wrote his will, but perhaps he had and found a way around it. “Still Tully, it would make me feel better if I knew I could legally claim it as well as it claims me.”

Lunch was a wonderful collection of foods, many of which Severus loved to eat. It was a rare day that he was allowed to enjoy sushi in England. He laughed as Remus looked questioningly at the sunrise roll taking a few pieces to be diplomatic, and Donal just avoided it.

“Not a fan of sushi Donal?”

“Ah, no, but I am a fan of this brisket.” He pointed to the mound of meat slices on his plate.

“The tree looks nice.” Remus stated, “Although, I had expected it to be more decorated.”

Indeed, the tree did look somewhat barren with only the lights strung up. “I believe it was left to us to place the ornaments upon it once we are done with lunch.”

“Great, I can’t wait to see what it looks like once we’re done.” Donal said between bites of food.

After they had ate there fill, the three men set about to the task of finishing decorating the tree. The ornaments were varied, some old, some new, some clearly made by expert hands while some clearly the efforts of children. Severus had just put a bobble on the tree and reached into the box retrieving another one. Looking at it he paused. It was one of the handmade looking ones a frosted globe with a picture inside. The picture looked back at him, all smiling faces and though he had never seen any pictures of his mother as a youth there she was looking back at him a look of hope and dreams he had never known her to wear in his lifetime. She looked to be in her teens sandwiched between a stern somewhat severe looking woman and a well groomed but mostly happy looking man. ‘Those must be my grandparents. Grandfather Prince looks like a kind man, I wonder if he hated all muggles or just my father? I could understand him hating my father. It’s a shame I never got to meet him.’ Sighing he placed the ornament in a prime spot clearly visible from the couches where they would sit for meals while here.  
Soon it was evening and time to present presents to the staff, Tully, Sooki, and Tulipa lined up before the men dressed in their finest uniforms. 

“If I may I would like to start.” Donal spoke up. “I wasn’t sure what to get you three, but I hope you like it.”

“Very well Donal, once Remus returns from changing you may present first.” Severus replied. A moment later Remus appeared dressed in his finest dress robes matching the other two.

“Sorry, it’s been a long time since I had to wear these, it took me a bit to alter them to fit properly.”

“Put on some weight have you?” Donal asked laughingly.

“Er… Not exactly, more like rearranged.”

“Well, now that we’re all here Donal if you would start.” Severus directed.

“Right.” Donal produced three identical packages. “Here you go, I know that you have your own brand of magic but I thought these might be useful.” The three elves thanked the man then opened the boxes. Contained within each was a small frosted bead with a slight glowing coming from within.

“Oh this is lovely, Master Donal.” Tulipa spoke up. 

“Not just pretty to look either.” Donal said and both Severus and Remus leaned forward to get a better look at the gift. “Inside each bead a retrieval spell. If you are ever trapped somewhere or hurt so bad you cannot transport yourself to help swallow this bead and it will activate the spell and take you to the Hogwarts infirmary.”

“That is amazing, where did you find it?” Remus asked.

Donal actually blushed a little then, “Well, actually I invented them as a way for wizards to find safety if they were in a position where they could not use their own magic. Like special rooms that restrict magic. Since the spell is already cast it can only be countered directly.”

“No wonder Professor Flitwick felt comfortable leaving you to teach Charms this is some of the finest charm work I’ve seen since Lily.”

“Thank you. Remus, I believe it is your turn.”

“It’ll be hard to top that gift…” He removed three different shaped packaged. “This one here is for Tully,” He handed it to the elder elf, “and here is one for Sooki,” handing it to the smiling mother of his favorite elf, “and of course Tulipa.”

Each took turns opening their gifts from the werewolf, Tully opened his gift to find a set of silver buttons with the Prince family crest upon them. “Thank you Master Remus, these will look wonderful upon my service uniform.”   
“You are very welcome, Tully. I can think of no one who deserves them more, I hope you wear them with pride for many years.”

Next Sooki opened hers, which turned out to be a blank recipes book. “Thank you.”

“It’s enchanted so that whenever you cook a new meal it’ll it record it. You can go back later and edit as you see fit, I thought this way you can pass down you’re knowledge.”

Lastly, Tulipa opened her gift, a ribbon made from baby unicorn mane. “Oh Master Remus, this is wonderful, thank you.”

“You are most welcome, Tulipa. I think if you were to try you might be able to place your gift from Donal on it. It offers some protection as well.”

Severus smiled at the thoughtfulness of the gifts these two men-strangers not so long ago-had put into giving his staff, really the last members of his family. “Thank you both for being so kind, and now it is my turn. Tully, your present is out in the barn you’ll need these to get it started.” He handed the astonished elf a set of keys, “It’s an old 1920’s Fiat. I know how you love cars, it needs a little work but I hope you enjoy it anyways.”

“A car, thank you Master Severus.” Tully looked as if he wanted to go out to the barn this instant to inspect it but waited with his family.

“Sooki, I struggled a little on what to get you, but finally decided that this,” He produced an enchanted clockwork hummingbird, “it will help with the bug infestation and notify you when different plant species blossom.”

Sooki’s eyes lit up to watch the hummingbird fly about. “Thank you.”

“Tulipa, for you I got this ancient tea service for when you find a young house elf to court you.” 

“Thank you Master Severus.” Tears in her eyes, she was nearly of marrying age and it was always up to the masters to give house elves permission to marry. A tea service was the traditional gift saying a female house elf may seek a mate, with the blessing of her house.

“I also got you this brooch.” It was a silver and gold looking feather with both the Prince family crest and Hogwarts crest. “That way you you’ll always know you have a place here regardless of where you spend your time.” Now the young elf really did cry so much did she love her gifts.


	33. Gifts of the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Christmas cheer.

CHP 33: Gifts of the Heart

“To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with”-Mark Twain

Remus had been feeling a little shaky while decorating the tree, and took the opportunity to get a little fix when he went up to change into dress robes. ‘Just a little to get me through…’ he had thought. ‘I don’t want to get so gone that anyone notices.’ It was a good idea, however, he should have adjusted his dress robes prior to getting his “head straight” as it took him awhile to figure out how to work his magic feeling as he did. Finally he was done and headed down to give the house elves their gifts.

After the gifts had been given, they enjoyed a wonderful dinner of salmon puffs, fresh roasted veggies, a ginger carrot soup, and baked Alaskan for dessert. Remus felt a glow from within as they relaxed enjoying an after dinner coffee. He felt as if a spell of peace had been cast upon them and everything was going to be good for once. “That was a wonderful dinner Severus, did you set the menu?”

“No, I requested the soup, but I trust Sooki and Tulipa when it comes to food. They haven’t disappointed me yet.”

“With food that good it’s a wonder you don’t send out for meals, when we’re at school.” Donal took a sip of his coffee. “I always found it a strange tradition to drink coffee after dinner. Though as I love a well-made cup, you’ll not see me turn it down, even if it does mean I’ll toss and turn tonight.”

“Yes, it’s good for digestion which is why it’s served after dinner, however I always find drinking a cup of chamomile tea helps me drift off fairly quickly.” Severus replied.

“I’m sure I could sleep well tonight, coffee or no, it’s getting close to that time where I’m always tired.” Remus treaded around his condition.

“Colder weather does that to a lot of people, I hear it’s due to lack of direct sunlight.” Donal put in unaware of what Remus had meant.

Smiling, Remus nodded in concession to that line of thinking. He looked over at Severus and felt his heart skip a beat as was common when he gazed upon the man. ‘How wonderful he looks, so relaxed, at ease, this is a Severus that not many people are ever privy to, how I wish he could love me as I do him.’ Shaking his head to break away from that line of thinking he looked to Donal whom he remembered from their year at school together was also an avid reader. “So Donal working on any good reads lately, or has teaching stolen all your time?”

“I find some chances from time to time, as of now I’m working my way through a couple of books. One which might interest you. It’s about Newton, and a secret society that was popular for the great scientific minds of the age.”

“Perhaps, could you send it my way once you’re done with it?”

“Definitely.” Donal smiled. “What about you Severus? Are you as into books as Remus?”

Remus looked back at his host enjoying the excuse to gaze freely at him. “I can’t say I am the bibliophile that he is though I do enjoy a good book when I have the time.”

Remus added, “Severus and I have a good running trade of books going; whenever he pops by we always ended up trading or borrowing a couple of books from each other.”

“Yeah? Maybe if I stay on we could do something similar?”

“Totally.” Remus replied. They chatted off and on for a while then Donal stated that he was ready to head up to bed and he would see the other two in the morning.

“Tully will wake you for breakfast if you’re not already up.” Severus said. Donal nodded and headed out.

Remus became aware of the fact that it was just him and Severus in the room, and suddenly he felt his heart rate increase and sweat stat to drip down his neck. ‘There goes my buffer, I think I’m acting normal… What is normal? 

Well normal for me… Think about something else… What else is there to think about?’

“The fire too hot for you?” Severus asked, interrupting Remus’ thoughts.

“Wha… Oh, no it’s just you know these dress robes don’t breathe all too well and… I might take a walk outside later.”

“The grounds are lovely at night out here. Especially when there’s a fresh blanket of snow on the ground.” Severus replied looking into the fire, seeing but not seeing what was in front of him.

Remus shifted a bit uncomfortably, then stood up. Severus looked at him, and Remus crossed over and sat down beside him. “I’ve been thinking.”

Severus looked back him questioning, “That’s usually a good thing. Although, when it concerns a former Gryffindor all bets are off.”

“Ha, ha.” Remus turned so he was facing Severus’ side one leg on the ground keeping him on balance. “I’ve been thinking about your missing memories… And I had a thought.”

“Go on.”

“Well, there are old spells used to lock them away for a time… Like muggle fairy tales. Though, in order to break the spell the one under the spell has to be kissed by their true love.”

Severus frowned, “Well that’s just great, all we have to do is find my true love… simple. No problem.”

Remus felt his heart quicken even more, he was surprised that Severus could not hear it, his heart was beating against its cage so hard. He licked his lips, if he was going to do it, he’d better do it now. “I was thinking on that as well, maybe it can be from someone who loves you… Not exactly true love but love all the same.”

“Remus it’s not like I’ve got a line wrapped around the corner and I’m just being picky…”

“I’m not saying that, but…”

“But what, Remus if that’s true than I’m just as hopeless as if I didn’t know what kind if spell was used… And you’re not even sure about this either it’s just idea. You want me to go out and make a fool of myself on a hunch and beside can you think of anyone who… who might even love me?”

“Yes.”

“Oh really, who?” Severus was glaring at Remus as if perhaps the man was intentionally trying to make him feel worse about something that he could do little about.

Plucking up what courage he had, he stared back into Severus ebony eyes, “Me, Severus, I love you.” Then leaning in Remus placed his lips on the shocked potion’s master and kissed him. Gentle and light at first, then deepening and for a moment it was the most wonderful experience of Remus’ life and then fear crashed in and he pulled back. “I… um… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Quickly getting up he left the room, not giving Severus a chance to respond. He went up to the room he was staying in and changed from his dress robes into pj bottoms and headed outside to be alone.

Tears were freezing upon his skin it was so cold out but Remus barely noticed. Once out past the gardens he saw a gazebo where he went and sat. ‘I am such a jerk. I can’t believe I just did that to Severus… After all he’s been through and I just go and kiss him. What is wrong with me?’

A flicker of light off to his side caught his attention, “Isn’t it a bit cold to be out in just pants?” The voice asked, then a glow of orange as the speaker pulled a drag on his cigarette. 

“Oh, hey Donal, thought you went to bed already.”

“Coffee man, it keeps me wired. I thought perhaps a smoke might help, you want one?”

“Sure thanks.” Remus reached out and took the cigarette being offered. He’d never smoked before, he’d seen Sirius smoke a pack a day back when they were kids and figured he could handle it. 

“So, you just decide to get a moon tan or something?” Donal inquired again after Remus had managed to light and choke on his first cigarette.

“I run hot… So for me this feels nice.”

“Not me, I’m freezing my nublets off.” Donal’s face glowed orange as he inhaled again, “What happened to your arm?”

Remus looked down, ‘Oh right my scars…’ He debated for a moment what to say and then decided to go with the truth, or at least close to it. “I was alone for so long… I just sort of gave up on things ever getting better.”

“Sorry man, that’s well… I’m glad you weren’t successful.”

“Severus, saved me actually, before that we weren’t really close.”

“Is that why you love him?”

Remus felt his blood run cold and a shiver cross his body, “What do you mean?” Panicking that he might have seen his kiss with Severus.

“It’s obvious, the way you look at him. It’s cool, I mean I kind of always wondered back in school but… Never mind, it’s your business. I’m just surprised Severus doesn’t seem to realize it.”

“He does now.” Taking another pull on his cigarette, “I kind of blurted it out.”

“Wow, how’d he take it?”

“I don’t know… it just happened then I came out here.”

“Ah, scary spot to be.” Donal looked up at the stars, “But as far as your arm goes, I wasn’t asking about those scars… I meant the track marks higher up. You been sick a lot lately or…?” He trailed off giving Remus an out.

“Not sick, no, unless you count stupidity and insane choices as an illness.”

Donal looked at him and shook his head. “Been there. Still leaving actually, that’s part of the reason I went to Hogwarts when I was 16 and partly why I’m here now.”

“Did you…” Remus hesitated he wanted so badly to know though if he was the only one who had made the choices he had to get a fix. “Well… what I mean, did you… have you ever done anything bad to get uh… you know?”

“Yes.” Was Donal’s reply. He looked into Remus’ eyes then showing a swelling of pain and despair, which Remus knew was reflected in his own eyes. They were both drowning in worlds of misery they had created for themselves.

“Is there a way out?”

“I hope so Remus, I truly do. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

“Right.”

Donal tossed his smoke looked once more at Remus and walked back inside. Remus watched the red head leave then went and sat at the base of a tree, crying for himself at how ruined he had made his life. The tears felt empty and distant though and he found no solace in them. Eventually he fell asleep in the cool winter air.


	34. Unrequited Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few memories return, but what of Remus sleeping under the tree

CHP 34: Unrequited Love

“Problems can be fixed, but unrequited love is a tragedy”-Suzanne Harper

“Me, Severus, I love you.” Remus had spoken softly, before kissing him even more softly. Severus felt confused at first, then a stirring of longing but before he could respond, before he could hold on and see what it meant Remus fled. Severus remained seated, unsure of what to do or even what to think. He stared at the crackling fire, feeling the hardness in his heart soften as he thought of the sandy brown haired man he had come to think of as a friend. ‘I think I love him too.’ His final thoughts before falling into a dream filled sleep.

***

He sat crying alone in an empty classroom, only soon he wasn’t alone as arms wrapped around him and soft tones coming from a deep voice. Then a kiss on his head. He turned into the arms holding him letting go of all his pain and anger.

Later once he had cried himself out he looked upon the blue eyes he had once hated, eyes that belonged to the leader of his torment. Only now things were different. He wasn’t sure what it all meant but he knew things would be better. 

He was in the headmaster’s office sitting across from Dumbledore. 

“I have a task I must ask of you Severus. Voldemort grows in strength every day. I see how his followers are attempting to collect you to their side. I would ask if you would allow that to be so and become a spy for the Order of the Phoenix.”

“The Order of the Phoenix?”

“Yes, we fight against the rise of darkness, but we need someone who can get inside his inner circle. You my dear boy are the best candidate for that.”

“What would I have to do?”

“Join them.”

“Join them?”

“Yes, and help us from the inside.”

He was in a back corner of the library with Lily and James. His heart was heavy at what he would have to ask.

“Dumbledore has asked me to become a spy for him.”

“Sev, you can’t” Lily protested. He looked to James and saw understanding in his eyes.

“You have to do this, I know, but what will that mean for us?”

Severus looked sadly at the boy, no man he now knew he loved. “We have to go back to the old ways. You need to start fighting with me again.”

James took his hand, and mischievous smile crossed his face. “I think I know of a way we can still be together if Lily will help.”

Lily looked up tears flowing from her eyes, “I’ll try.”

“Well we have to pull a good prank, in front of everyone and then you come to Sev’s rescue and he’ll say something awful something you could never forgive him for. Then you and I will start “dating”. I can go visit Sev while I’m going to see you during the summer time.”

Severus didn’t dare look up, the hope in him was too great. ‘No way Lily will go for this, she has her own life to live.’

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Sweet, only question is, when do we do it.”

Biting his lip he thought hard. “I know, after defense OWL exams. It makes perfect sense Sirius will be all moody cuz he hates tests. I’ll make a perfect target for all his pent up aggression.”

“I really wish you two didn’t hate each other so much. He’s my best mate and you’re…you’re my boyfriend.”

He had never said it before and by his saying it Severus knew it was what he had hoped. “Still you know I’m right.”

“I just hate that you are.” He leaned over and kissed Severus.

***

Severus woke before the sun, knowing that those had been more than dreams; some of his memories had returned. Stretching he saw that he had not even managed to make it back to bed, he smiled a moment to himself and then frowned, ‘I’m still missing so much, but at least I know I was loved once… and I think I am now. Remus was right I had hid my memories in love something the Dark Lord could never touch. Oh no, Remus where did he go?’

Getting up he headed for the room he knew Remus to be staying, but got no reply from his knock. Opening the door slightly he saw that the bed had not been slept in. Concern was pushing him to panic but he maintained his mind and cast a quick locator spell and felt himself being compelled to head towards the back garden; his grandfather’s garden, which Sooki now maintained in honor of his memory.

Snow had fallen sometime in the night and the wind had a bitter chill cutting into him as he walked past the old gazebo towards a tall black oak tree. At the base of it lay the object of his spell, asleep and not even shivering. ‘Lucky man, sleeps outside all night in the snow and probably won’t even get a cold.’ Severus thought wryly.

He stood there for a moment of indecision, he wasn’t yet ready to explore the feelings that had been stirred in him the pervious night. He also didn’t want this fragile man who had offered him hope and love to think he was angry or that he hated him. ‘I can wake him up and tell him his idea worked. That should help him feel at ease.’

Bending down he reached out and shook Remus’ shoulder, “Hey, Remus you have a perfectly good bed to sleep on inside. Remus!”

The man beneath his hand jerked suddenly until he realized where he was and who was looking at him. “Oh, Severus… I’m sorry about last night it was… stupid.”

“You think love is stupid? That caring for a friend is wrong?”

“No, it’s just I shouldn’t have just pushed myself on you… After everything…” He looked away.

“It was surprising, but your idea actually worked… Well sort of at least. I got some of my memories back. I just wished it had recovered them all.”

“Knowing your attention to detailed you probably layered the spells, maybe you need a stronger bond… Maybe you need to love who kisses you as they love you…” Remus stared down on the ground and Severus could see a sadness settle upon his friend.

“Maybe… but with what I have now I can hope that we’ll find a way. Together.” He stood reaching his hand out for Remus to take. “Now come on breakfast will be soon and Donal will be wondering where we’ve gone off to, plus it is Christmas.”

“Yeah, you’re right I should probably get dressed properly.” Remus looked hopefully at Severus, “So you’re not mad at me?”  
“Mad? No. A few months ago my answer would have been different, but we’re friends now you were just trying to help.”  
“I… well, I also needed you to know how I felt. I know you don’t, can’t, feel the same way.”  
“Yeah… Okay, c’mon it’s freezing out here, we’re not all as lucky as you and feel warm in the darkest of nights.”  
The two men headed inside both looking forward to breakfast and the day ahead. Nothing that had happened had been settled but they were willing to embrace the day for what it was. Christmas had a way of bringing people together if they left their hearts open to the experience.


	35. Memory Sharing

CHP 35: Memory Sharing

“Forever is composed of nows.”-Emily Dickinson

Christmas breakfast at Prince Manor was a very different affair than any of the wizards had ever before experienced, but not over done either. Remus had ducked out to change and collect the presents he had brought, while in his room he looked at his stash. He felt good at the moment, but for how long? ‘Okay, just a small one half of what I had yesterday… I don’t want to run out while I’m here.’ That sorted he returned to the library joining the other two for the long awaited moment of presents.

“So Severus how’s this work? Do we all take turns opening presents or is it a free for all or what?” Remus asked.

“It’s like taking turns. One person is designated as “Santa” and passes the presents out one at a time. They pull randomly from underneath the tree, so sometimes one person opens more than one present in a row other times… well you get the idea.”

“How do we decide who will play Santa?” Donal asked between bites of bagel.

“We each look in our stockings, and which ever one of us has the Santa hat will act as Santa.”

At that they each collected a stocking that had been hung sometime the night before over the fireplace. Remus smiled at loving care that had been put into making the stockings. Each man had received an orange, some candy canes, and chocolates, but they all also received something special, Severus stocking contained a fine never dull quill, Donal a magic padlock which could only be opened by a secret word if the key were lost, and Remus had found in his stocking an enchanted star chart which would show the positions of the stars for any time of the year. ‘I wonder who picked these out, and if so did they know who would receive each gift… Maybe the stockings are enchanted and the gifts are not there until the stocking is picked.’ 

“Looks like I’m Santa.” Donal declared. “Shall we start if then?”

Severus nodded, and Remus watched as Donal reached under the tree and bringing out a brightly wrapped package. Looking at the name he headed over to Remus. “Thank you.” 

“Well open it then.” 

It seemed a shame to destroy the wrappings, but as it was Christmas… “And I have received from Donal, a book about Lord Nelson. How wonderful, thank you.”

“It’s just luck that you were the friend Severus was talking about, I found this and it just called to me I guess.” Donal shrugged.

“Alright, who’s next?”

Eventually all the presents had been passed out and opened. In addition to the book about Lord Nelson, Remus received a Kafka book and one entitled Origins which Severus said he had found in an old magical texts section of a favorite book shop. “I know how we’ve been looking into how certain magical species were created and I thought perhaps this might shed some light on it.” Remus smiled egger to look through the old book and see if it held any answers about Binxley or himself.

Donal had been given, an enchanted day planner and some of America’s finest coffee which he had then placed in a Maxwell House can from Severus and a spell resistant robe from Remus. They had all laughed at the coffee can joke and then enjoyed a cup from it. “Thanks guys, this coffee is excellent, and this robe will be nice when I have first years misfiring spells all over the place. I swear sometimes eleven year olds have no patience.”

The gifts Severus received were evidence indeed to the manner of man his two companions thought him to be; if he ever had doubt that people valued and cared for him he could look back to this Christmas holiday and all doubts would be forced away. Remus watched anxiously as he opened the gifts he had got him, the first being the B.Y.O. record. Severus gave a slight smile as he looked over the album cover. “Thank you Remus.”

“You want to put it on now and listen to it?” Donal offered.

“Not just yet. I think perhaps tonight after dinner might be best. It’s not exactly Christmas music.”

For a moment, Remus’ heart sank, ‘Maybe he’s just being polite and doesn’t like it… Maybe I should have given him Ella.’ But then Severus’ smile as he read the insert put those fears to rest. The next present that Severus received had been from Donal, a fine pair of dragonhide gloves which would protect his hands from volatile potion ingredients.

The last two gifts Severus received were very similar to each other. Two rare planets found only in Asia, a white dragon lily from Donal and a panda lily from Remus. After Severus had unwrapped the second flower they all laughed a little. “Either I’m very difficult to shop for or they had a sale on lilies.”

“Or, great minds think alike.” Donal replied. “However, I didn’t know panda lilies were still around. I had thought they were extinct.”

Remus gave Donal a mysterious look, then chuckled. “They were thought to have gone extinct during the feudal era, but this solicitor I recently met business had acquired some and kept them alive over the years.”

“And here I’ve been avoiding lawyers, who knew they could actually be useful.” Donal joked and they all laughed.

‘I’m really glad Severus invited Donal, he’s got a good sense of humor and has helped keep these days from being too intense. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed hanging out in a group where the goal wasn’t to get lit. I never want to go back to Gavin and his friends, but I don’t know if I want to let go of how getting high feels.’ Remus looked at the Christmas tree, lost in his own inner conflict. He failed to notice Severus and Donal go up behind him each holding on to one end of a cracker. Donal winked and Severus held up three fingers counting down, and then BOOM!

Remus nearly ran into the fireplace as the cracker went off sending fireworks throughout the library. Once Remus had recovered he saw the other two rolling around on the ground laughing so hard tears were streaming out of Severus’ eyes and Donal had proved his face really could turn a brighter shade of red than a tomato. The scene itself was so laughable that soon Remus found himself joining in on it and quite some time passed before any of them could look at the other without busting out in fits of giggles.


End file.
